New year's Day
For some reason, the first of this year has made me reflect even more so than usual on both the last year, and the future. I always make new years resolutions, and never expect myself to carry them through, or actually make any progress other than being able to look back on the year just gone, and feeling better about both my mentality, and my spiritual progress.
I spent today looking back at my resolutions, and to my horror and excitement, found that all but one of them I have not only achieved, but without any conscious effort. This makes me feel proud of the person I have become. This time last year, I looked back, as usual, and still saw a philosophical mess, still saw that messed up girl I have been for the last 5 years. Still saw that string of failed relationships, saw the same mistakes being made again and again, with no sense of progression, or learning from my flaws.
This year however, is a lot different. Hardly a polar opposite, I have still made mistakes, and I still have slight regrets, but now I accept that life is full of these, and more importantly, it is alright, it is acceptable to do things wrong. Life would be a very dull adventure if we were all flawless. My biggest flaw is still that quality which i cherish the most, the fact that I think too much, the fact that in either the darkness or the light, I look to the future, and see all the ways I could be the person I want to be, and all the ways I could fail myself. Is this a bad thing? Surely self awareness is our biggest asset, whilst we all may act in irrational or instinct driven ways, to be aware that my feelings are in fact normal or insane, is the beginning of a process to realign myself, a process to reduce the flaws I hate.
Last year was a big year for me, I developed the courage to act on the thing I feared the most - my sanity, and I think, to a positive end. I don't pretend to be normal, or even remotely accepting of the past few years of my life. But what I do accept is that I have started on a road to rectify those issues that have laid dormant, to stand up and say "This is what has happened, but this is how I am going to solve it", and to start on a path of what I am sure will be a heightened progression in life, and towards enlightenment.
Last year made me be able to say "This is not what I want from life, this is not how my life should be, and therefore I will not accept it". I have finally taken matters into my own hands, and now I feel, for the first time, that I am living for myself, rather than passing the buck, blaming the way I am on the things that have happened, I have taken control. Whilst a lot of the things that have happened were not my fault, to live my life in the shadows of those events would give them power, that I am not prepared to relinquish anymore.
I know that the year to come will not be as easy as the reflection on the last. It will take even more strength, and even more determination to make myself closer to that ideal. But my heart and soul is focused intently on that goal, and for the first time in my life, I have set myself an achievable task. And I will be damned if anyone, or anything stands in my way of that.
I spent today looking back at my resolutions, and to my horror and excitement, found that all but one of them I have not only achieved, but without any conscious effort. This makes me feel proud of the person I have become. This time last year, I looked back, as usual, and still saw a philosophical mess, still saw that messed up girl I have been for the last 5 years. Still saw that string of failed relationships, saw the same mistakes being made again and again, with no sense of progression, or learning from my flaws.
This year however, is a lot different. Hardly a polar opposite, I have still made mistakes, and I still have slight regrets, but now I accept that life is full of these, and more importantly, it is alright, it is acceptable to do things wrong. Life would be a very dull adventure if we were all flawless. My biggest flaw is still that quality which i cherish the most, the fact that I think too much, the fact that in either the darkness or the light, I look to the future, and see all the ways I could be the person I want to be, and all the ways I could fail myself. Is this a bad thing? Surely self awareness is our biggest asset, whilst we all may act in irrational or instinct driven ways, to be aware that my feelings are in fact normal or insane, is the beginning of a process to realign myself, a process to reduce the flaws I hate.
Last year was a big year for me, I developed the courage to act on the thing I feared the most - my sanity, and I think, to a positive end. I don't pretend to be normal, or even remotely accepting of the past few years of my life. But what I do accept is that I have started on a road to rectify those issues that have laid dormant, to stand up and say "This is what has happened, but this is how I am going to solve it", and to start on a path of what I am sure will be a heightened progression in life, and towards enlightenment.
Last year made me be able to say "This is not what I want from life, this is not how my life should be, and therefore I will not accept it". I have finally taken matters into my own hands, and now I feel, for the first time, that I am living for myself, rather than passing the buck, blaming the way I am on the things that have happened, I have taken control. Whilst a lot of the things that have happened were not my fault, to live my life in the shadows of those events would give them power, that I am not prepared to relinquish anymore.
I know that the year to come will not be as easy as the reflection on the last. It will take even more strength, and even more determination to make myself closer to that ideal. But my heart and soul is focused intently on that goal, and for the first time in my life, I have set myself an achievable task. And I will be damned if anyone, or anything stands in my way of that.