I'm the one who reads your mind
The mind races, and the aim of sleep once again fails.
I thought tonight would feel worse than it did. I feared that I would care, and now I am upset because I don't. But at the same time, I wonder whether I actually feel apathetic, or whether my cynical mind is trying to corrupt me again, trying to convince me that I am, in fact, that Ice Queen that it desires. Who knows anymore.
The past few weeks I've had no time to really think about anything but work. Performance related jobs really do take it all out of you sometimes, and today in the office, I very nearly handed in my notice. To feel inadequate at something is a feeling I cannot tolerate, and I guess subconsciously, today was the final test. But I pulled it out of the bag. Nay, I exploded triumph out of the bag, and shot it up to the sky. I love days like this.
But now, with that side sorted, at least in reassuring my mind, I wander onto other thoughts, other ideals. Other things that I fail at, that need direct and immediate attention. But I have made a decision that I know is the right one, and one that will hopefully benefit me long term. I'm thinking about that these days, long term. Whilst it is brilliant to try to live for each day, steps need to be taken to make me more sound of mind, so that the former is indeed possible. And it will be, someday.
I think I've accepted now, that I will never be good enough for anyone. I know that sounds negative, and ridiculous, but for me, that isn't
the case. Surely once you accept that you are not perfect, and never will be for anyone, you begin to be at peace with yourself...? A long talk with a virtual stranger recently, made me think even more about the concept of potentiality. Not to know that something "will be", or "should be", but just to know that it could. I like that. The mentality that everything has potential, and therefore nothing is meaningless. Although once the potentiality is quashed, the situation itself is also destroyed. Just to be able to detect that, must be a gift blessed to no one, but desired by all. I would kill for that ability, but alas.
And so, as the dawn threatens, and I remember that I had decided to be "up and out" by 9am tomorrow, the ramblings tail off, and I am left with a sense of dread regarding my inefficiency this weekend. Still, I have two days to redeem it..
I thought tonight would feel worse than it did. I feared that I would care, and now I am upset because I don't. But at the same time, I wonder whether I actually feel apathetic, or whether my cynical mind is trying to corrupt me again, trying to convince me that I am, in fact, that Ice Queen that it desires. Who knows anymore.
The past few weeks I've had no time to really think about anything but work. Performance related jobs really do take it all out of you sometimes, and today in the office, I very nearly handed in my notice. To feel inadequate at something is a feeling I cannot tolerate, and I guess subconsciously, today was the final test. But I pulled it out of the bag. Nay, I exploded triumph out of the bag, and shot it up to the sky. I love days like this.
But now, with that side sorted, at least in reassuring my mind, I wander onto other thoughts, other ideals. Other things that I fail at, that need direct and immediate attention. But I have made a decision that I know is the right one, and one that will hopefully benefit me long term. I'm thinking about that these days, long term. Whilst it is brilliant to try to live for each day, steps need to be taken to make me more sound of mind, so that the former is indeed possible. And it will be, someday.
I think I've accepted now, that I will never be good enough for anyone. I know that sounds negative, and ridiculous, but for me, that isn't
the case. Surely once you accept that you are not perfect, and never will be for anyone, you begin to be at peace with yourself...? A long talk with a virtual stranger recently, made me think even more about the concept of potentiality. Not to know that something "will be", or "should be", but just to know that it could. I like that. The mentality that everything has potential, and therefore nothing is meaningless. Although once the potentiality is quashed, the situation itself is also destroyed. Just to be able to detect that, must be a gift blessed to no one, but desired by all. I would kill for that ability, but alas.
And so, as the dawn threatens, and I remember that I had decided to be "up and out" by 9am tomorrow, the ramblings tail off, and I am left with a sense of dread regarding my inefficiency this weekend. Still, I have two days to redeem it..