(no subject)
Uuuuugggggghhhh.
I am so stressed right now it's not even funny.
Tomorrow is going to be such a long ass day. =[
Ortho. appt @ 9:30, Class 11-12:40, Work 2-10:30..
Work is fucking pissing me off, they have me working soooo fucking much this weekend. I get paid friday, and it better be a fast ass paycheck or I'm going to be pissed off. I'm so tired, it's not even funny. I want to sleep so bad, but I can't. I just can't sleep like I use to, I use to be able to just fall asleep whenever and where ever I wanted too. What the hell happened to me!?!?!?!
AND what the hell is the point of making all this money but having absoluetly no time to spend it, I mean honestly, when am I going to get a break?
I hate school right now.
I hate my job.
So yes, work has me working nonstop for basically the next two weeks, then I have normal everyday homework I must do on top of that, plus make appts. and run errands for my mom. When am I going to have time to work on my term paper due on the 23rd. What about my exams I need to be studying for, especially the 2 state exit tests I'll be taking before I leave for vacation on the 24th.
Work also has moved me to the "service desk" which more then likely means they want to see if I can hack it because I'm more then likely going to be promoted, which means management and more working, yayy! Just what I need. Please throw me into an unfamilar enviroment that I know nothing about so I can stress out more. I mean for pete sake, what are they trying to do to me. I'm just there to be a cashier and make a simple 6.50 an hour, not to be promoted after my first 2 weeks. Yes I work hard and they prolly think I deserve it, but I don't want it. I don't want to be the best at what I'm doing for once, I just want to be mediocre, and I know that must sound horrible, but I'm being honest.
I've always tried to be the best at everything I do. Life has always been a competition for me, I'm always trying to impress my parents or people around me by working hard and doing the best there is out there, but I've noticed through out the years, I don't always have to be the best. I don't always have to be the "perfect, good grade, well behaved" daughter to be accepted, all that it's caused me is stress, and lots of it. Yes, at the end of it all I feel alot better about myself, I feel accomplished, confident, and all that good stuff, but just once, just this one time, I don't feel like being the best anymore.
I want to concentrate on myself for once. I want to concentrate on my own happiness for once. I'm sick of always trying to please everyone else before even noticing that I, myself, need to be helped out and pleased to. So what if I've created a false happiness by placing a shitty grin on my face day in and day out, and actually giving myself false hopes of being happy, by seeing that I make other peoples day. I do all this shit for everyone else. I am the one that's always there when needed. So where is the person that is out there to make my day, the person that is always going to be there for me when I need someone, huh? .. I just think right now would be a good time for me to think about myself for once. I am having a little trouble with this whole growing up and maturing, maybe I shouldn't be pushing it so much, but I'm trying to make my mother happy with me for once, I just want to make my parents proud to have me as a daughter.
Ahhh, I just need to stop bitching. I need to be able to find happiness in myself and not depend on other people to bring it to me, or just hand it to me like a gift. I just need something, or someone, to give me the strength to pull through this, I don't know what to call it, this.. uhh.. Down time in my life? ha, that's not quite the name for it, but I'm sure you all understand what I am saying.
It's been a long time since I've gone on want of my ranting episodes, but it's just hard this time when I have no one to trust, no one to turn to for help, no one is just there when I need them. No, it may not be there fault, maybe it's just bad timing, but either way, I've had very few friends that I could trust. I know one person I'll always be able to turn to, and I will love her for that till the day I die. She really is the perfect example of a "best friend".
Not to mention, the carnival is here at my old high school, and I don't know if I'll have time this weekend to go, with work and school and ahh everything else. I'm losing it, deff. but slowly. I just need to go to the gym and work out, let some of this stress go for a few hours, I haven't been there in so long, and it sure as hell is showing. I also need to be looking for a prom dress. That's one good thing I can look forward to besides my vacation to Pa, and my birthday. Prom with my best friend Adam and Sarah and Adam's best friend Corey. We're going to have a blast. =]
Okay, well I'm tired, and like I said, tomorrow is going to be a hella long day. I've just exhausted myself.
♥
I am so stressed right now it's not even funny.
Tomorrow is going to be such a long ass day. =[
Ortho. appt @ 9:30, Class 11-12:40, Work 2-10:30..
Work is fucking pissing me off, they have me working soooo fucking much this weekend. I get paid friday, and it better be a fast ass paycheck or I'm going to be pissed off. I'm so tired, it's not even funny. I want to sleep so bad, but I can't. I just can't sleep like I use to, I use to be able to just fall asleep whenever and where ever I wanted too. What the hell happened to me!?!?!?!
AND what the hell is the point of making all this money but having absoluetly no time to spend it, I mean honestly, when am I going to get a break?
I hate school right now.
I hate my job.
So yes, work has me working nonstop for basically the next two weeks, then I have normal everyday homework I must do on top of that, plus make appts. and run errands for my mom. When am I going to have time to work on my term paper due on the 23rd. What about my exams I need to be studying for, especially the 2 state exit tests I'll be taking before I leave for vacation on the 24th.
Work also has moved me to the "service desk" which more then likely means they want to see if I can hack it because I'm more then likely going to be promoted, which means management and more working, yayy! Just what I need. Please throw me into an unfamilar enviroment that I know nothing about so I can stress out more. I mean for pete sake, what are they trying to do to me. I'm just there to be a cashier and make a simple 6.50 an hour, not to be promoted after my first 2 weeks. Yes I work hard and they prolly think I deserve it, but I don't want it. I don't want to be the best at what I'm doing for once, I just want to be mediocre, and I know that must sound horrible, but I'm being honest.
I've always tried to be the best at everything I do. Life has always been a competition for me, I'm always trying to impress my parents or people around me by working hard and doing the best there is out there, but I've noticed through out the years, I don't always have to be the best. I don't always have to be the "perfect, good grade, well behaved" daughter to be accepted, all that it's caused me is stress, and lots of it. Yes, at the end of it all I feel alot better about myself, I feel accomplished, confident, and all that good stuff, but just once, just this one time, I don't feel like being the best anymore.
I want to concentrate on myself for once. I want to concentrate on my own happiness for once. I'm sick of always trying to please everyone else before even noticing that I, myself, need to be helped out and pleased to. So what if I've created a false happiness by placing a shitty grin on my face day in and day out, and actually giving myself false hopes of being happy, by seeing that I make other peoples day. I do all this shit for everyone else. I am the one that's always there when needed. So where is the person that is out there to make my day, the person that is always going to be there for me when I need someone, huh? .. I just think right now would be a good time for me to think about myself for once. I am having a little trouble with this whole growing up and maturing, maybe I shouldn't be pushing it so much, but I'm trying to make my mother happy with me for once, I just want to make my parents proud to have me as a daughter.
Ahhh, I just need to stop bitching. I need to be able to find happiness in myself and not depend on other people to bring it to me, or just hand it to me like a gift. I just need something, or someone, to give me the strength to pull through this, I don't know what to call it, this.. uhh.. Down time in my life? ha, that's not quite the name for it, but I'm sure you all understand what I am saying.
It's been a long time since I've gone on want of my ranting episodes, but it's just hard this time when I have no one to trust, no one to turn to for help, no one is just there when I need them. No, it may not be there fault, maybe it's just bad timing, but either way, I've had very few friends that I could trust. I know one person I'll always be able to turn to, and I will love her for that till the day I die. She really is the perfect example of a "best friend".
Not to mention, the carnival is here at my old high school, and I don't know if I'll have time this weekend to go, with work and school and ahh everything else. I'm losing it, deff. but slowly. I just need to go to the gym and work out, let some of this stress go for a few hours, I haven't been there in so long, and it sure as hell is showing. I also need to be looking for a prom dress. That's one good thing I can look forward to besides my vacation to Pa, and my birthday. Prom with my best friend Adam and Sarah and Adam's best friend Corey. We're going to have a blast. =]
Okay, well I'm tired, and like I said, tomorrow is going to be a hella long day. I've just exhausted myself.
♥