paul

[deathbymachine]

silence deafens as we ride in the dark

Comments

ya it was to long to post at once!

[anonymous]

and no matter who wants me it makes no difference to me . .b /c the one i want i can't have. and yes i am saying that a lot b/c i need to realize it. after i got off the phone w/ you . . i felt tears coming so i rushed to go and take a shower . . at least there i couldnt' feel the tears . . i thought about tons of things . . and i thought about how at one point . . i could of had you . . . even for a short amount time . . i could have and i totally completely passed you up . . i'm not sure what you are thinking right now but i sure wish i did. i kinda replay that day over and over and think if i would have done something different . . if i would have seemed more interested . . if i idk . . if i would have done SOMETHING . . then maybe this wouldnt' have happened. i don't know what to do . .and the sad thing is that there is nothing for me or you to do but go on the way we have been. i don't want anything to change b/c i have to have you in my life. ahah and what song just randomly came on my itunes site . . yup . . i'll be . . LOL ahahha this is actually funny and making me laugh . i haven't heard this song in forever. man it's a good song. i think of brett every time i hear this. . . and that is another thing that dan i'm scared i can't handle . . what do i do ? i don't have him anymore . wow whew the only person i have ever loved that much . . and i don't know when i'll ever see him again. i know i will but it will be so long and i can't be in his arms anymore. whose going to make me feel safe? wow i'm so scared. and i'm crying so hard right now and i don't have anyone here . . . and i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm losing two ppl i care so much about. i'm scared.was it wrong that i told you ? i feel safe with you dan. am i wrong for that ? i don't feel as safe as i did . . well do w/ brett. but i do feel safe w/ you. i hope i am not making the wrong choice. i found this quote on marissa's xanga "live your life, meet other guys, and if this is meant to be, then eventually he'll decide he wants to take the jump with you." it is so true. and actually gives me this peace when i read it . . but then i finish and i think that no guy is willing to take that jump. and i find it funny how you say connection. b/c the only guy i've ever had that connection that you speak of is with brett. . . the only one, and i am far from being in love w/ him. to me you take time to look into a person's heart . . and you see what is there . . and you learn to love that. i think by that you form an amazing connection with someone . . just by taking that look and loving what you see. like i said b4 you have never taken that look when it has come to me and you know that is true. but also . . i do realize that we aren't meant for each other. . .well for right now at least. me. .i am a girl who in marissa's words loves so deep . . and i am walking on this road called life trying to find god . . and trying to find happiness. you,you aren't looking for the things i am looking for. we want totally different things in life right now. and right now i'm not so sure what i want. b/c at times i want you and at times i don't. the times i don't is when i realzie that we aren't on the same page and that you aren't willing to take a jump w/ me. when i do want you is when i take that deep look and i see what i've always seen when i looked at you. i love you SO much . . and i need to know what you think on all of this . . . i don't want some simple . . oh i'm fine w/ all of it. i want an answer where you have to think dan . . i want an answer from your heart . . .no holding back . .right? i didn't on this post. . .i am asking you to do the same. again . . i love you.wow it's late and i need sleep. it's been such a long night.