Talking to myself makes me feel a little better
The only time I ever want to write in this is when I'm depressed. Which I currently am.
I feel... jostled. I don't know how to feel, because when I start to feel comfortable with one emotion, an event happens to shred that feeling. So I start feeling a new emotion, a counter-attack to the previous one, and then another event happens to bring that one down too. I don't know how to feel, where to stand. I feel testy, on edge. Like on a big teeter totter.
I'll start with Kayla, because its the biggest and most obvious subject matter.
It feels like we're on almost on the same page. But we're reading different books. Which makes it frustrating. We know what each other want, then we know absolutely nothing about each other at all. I never understood some of Kayla's objections on my behalf. She always felt like she had no life, no friends, and that I was always going and hanging out. I did go out a few times, but that was over a long period of time. I never hung out more than once a month, and that was a lot. In reality I was lucky if I hung out once every 3 months. Now, Kayla is hanging out every night or every other night, spending money she tells me she doesn't have and having me watch Zoe (most of the time, not all of the time) to do these activities. Some of the people she's hanging with is unsavory to say the least.
Which brings me to another Kayla subject: She talks about how she wants to be with me, but hangs out with people she knows I feel extremely uncomfortable about. And her best friends love them.
Oh man, not to be ADD, but its a horrible feeling when someone you care a lot about and have invested 5 years of your life with doesn't hold you in high regard. She'd take the opinion and preference of one of her best friends over me anyday. I've known her longer and been through all the lows she has. I've been there with her, side by side. Her friends might swade her into doing things she normally wouldn't and I can't get her to come to the movies with me. Thats probably what scares me the most now. No matter how I much I'd want to be with her, her friends would have the last word.
And I know now that things will never be the way I'd like them to be. Even a little. Not to sound TOO pathetic, but I'm a needy person. Not HORRIBLY needy, but enough to maybe constitute a weirdness (unless you're like me). But Kayla doesn't need me. Not even in the least. And that makes me feel like a passing fancy. That she expects for us not to last, that I'm a good temporary fix. And for someone whos needy and doesn't feel that need back, its pretty sucky.
Its weird when I think of how I feel towards Kayla that its completely normal. I know its not. But I've gotten into such a groove with her that when things change, its hard for me to follow and keep up. Being needy isn't a good thing. I would love for things to be just Kayla, Zoe, and I, but I know things won't and can't be like that. We're too opposite, a fact thats been with us since we've been together.
I put myself in a misery, I feel terrible and hurt and upset, yet I'm still clinging to life. Which makes me think "Why am I trying to do this? Why am I trying to shove a square piece into the circle slot?" I'm a walking catch 22. I want to be with her, and I push for it, I try and fight for it, but then I feel like I'm forcing it. Like its not what she REALLY wants, she just feels bad for me or still cares about me, but doesn't really love me. I throw myself for a loop and question why I do this to not only myself but to her. I wish there was a button in my brain that just turned off that feeling. I hate forcing people to do things they don't want to. So the strongest feeling I have now is the feeling of not wanting to be a bother, and just back away.
When we're alone I can feel that she wants to be with me. When we're with others, it feels like I'm an outsider. Her friends are not my friends. Its clearly apparent everytime I hang out with them.
Is this a figment of my imagination? Is this really happening? Not the fact that me and Kayla are falling apart, but just everything. I feel like it isn't real. Like I'm making it all up. Sometimes I wish I was.
Money.
Or lack there of.
I have no money. I owe a lot of money. I need another job. Nobody is hiring. I'm having trouble keeping afloat. Trouble just eeking by.
Thats a good metaphor for my life too.
I need to move out too. I feel pathetic and uneasy being here. I feel like I live in a hotel room. Luckily I don't have to pay for it. Not yet. But I'd much rather be paying rent in a shitty run down apartment then living free with my parents. Because It would be mine.
Its weird thinking that others will read this. It makes you double check things a lot. I type this and then think to myself "does this sound too pathetic? Will people read this and think of how much of a sorry sap I am? Get frustrated with me?" Its weird that I can never write without critique. Well I can, pretty easily actually, but part of this venting is having someone understand me just a little bit better. It still feels like I need to add a disclaimer to the end of every entry.
*All of the aforementioned writing is the personal view of myself. This is how I see the world and therefore my take on it. If someone decides to read it in its entirety, just remember that its the mumblings of an incoherent man and not to be taking with much heed. Thank you*