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Sep 16, 2008 13:23

It's been forever and a day since I posted something here. Don't all livejournal blogs look like this lately? At any rate, I've limited writing on Livejournal until I really had something important to say. I use my MySpace for the goofier shit, which in the past few months has been in short supply. Not that I haven't had goofier things to write about, but more like that I tend to think of the goofy shit when I'm nowhere near something to write it down on (my memory is horrible lately), or it's in a socially inappropriate situation, ie in the middle of work or class.

But to get to the point, I feel like I've changed. Day to day, I'm still the same. I'm still the same loving father to Connor and husband to Kate I have been since Day One and that will continue. There is no stop to that. But I haven't had the same overall outlook on life since my mother passed away, and this is why: I've been thinking of the finality of things.

My mom is the first person so close to me that I've lost. It's a permanent loss, and other than having vague dreams that INVOLVE her but she's nowhere to be seen, I haven't even seen my mother in my dreams. This cements the permanence of things, that there ARE things that can't be undone. All my life, every time something bad happened, there was always something good to come along to replace it, make me forget that I was sad about it in the first place. If I was in debt, Mom and Dad save me. If I forgot an assignment, I just do twice as well on the next one and my grade is saved. If I don't sell something at work, I just sell twice as much the next day. What this all has in common is that pain, misery, or just plain general unpleasantness has never been permanent, or never seemed permanent, until lately.

Even when Kate and I argue, the arguement is over later, we hug, kiss, love and everything is better.

But there's no replacing my mother. She's dead. Gone. Permanently.

Now this has the unpleasant side effects in my life of making me scared of losing someone else, and being stunted in my decisions because of the permanence of them. There's no saving throw for life, and this has been the chief way of showing me. Even school... I love going, but I'm afraid of it ending because I'm supposed to use that to find a permanent place in life. Forever. Until the day I, too, sleep in the cold ground dead.

It's not always hopeless. Contrary to what my tone may betray, my writing has gotten much better. The upside of "permanence" is that it cements that my marriage and parenthood are indeed "forever" and I don't have to worry about that "leaving" me. Despite my cynicism and general hate of people's actions, I still enjoy my life. I love living. I love to be alive. And I can only hope that that, too, remains PERMANENT.
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