feelings.
i've been too busy to write, and that makes me sad. i used to have the time or the inspiration to sit down and have it out on my journal, but i'm just too tired. or maybe it's maturity. discussing my emotions rather than keeping them inside and then pouring them out on the internet. who knows. at any rate, i do miss writing. coffee has replaced tea, and balance bars replacing eggs and cereal. lately i've been coming home from work, changing immediately into pajamas, and lying on my bed, not calling anyone nor bothering to pick up the phone. i almost feel like i'm acting through the day at work, being social, happy, cordial. when i go home and lie down, i feel at home. comfortable in my own skin.
i've started taking 1/2 a pill again. it's been 2 1/2 years since i've been on anti-depressants. i started at 10mg, after a year moved to 20, and after another year, moved back to 10mg. now i've on 5mg, which basically is just the dosage for weaning myself off. i've heard if you quit taking the pills coldturkey, you'll basically have a nervous breakdown, and i'm just...well, not into that. so far i've been doing well. my mom's doing the same thing, and she's already lost weight. i'm excited for that. i think i've gained 10lbs since i started taking them. and no matter what, i can't lose the weight. well, not like i've been trying. but i think it's time. i wanna get back to me. the way i used to be, before i got down.
i feel content, but not quite "me." the pills i take make the bad not so bad, but the good, mediocre. i can be emotional, but that's just me. i can lose my temper, be rash and impatient. but i can also be loving, happy, kind, and carefree.
i've had one relationship, a real one, whilst taking these pills. the only reason it worked for as long as it did, was because he was also on anti-depressants. but our relationship fizzled to an end. we could never really FEEL for each other, because our emotions and feelings were muted. it wasn't anyone's fault, but it's almost depressing to think about it.
how have i been on these drugs for so long?
i want to feel again.
hurt. rage. happy. orgasmic. indifference. compassion.
feelings. whoooooaaaa feelings.
i've started taking 1/2 a pill again. it's been 2 1/2 years since i've been on anti-depressants. i started at 10mg, after a year moved to 20, and after another year, moved back to 10mg. now i've on 5mg, which basically is just the dosage for weaning myself off. i've heard if you quit taking the pills coldturkey, you'll basically have a nervous breakdown, and i'm just...well, not into that. so far i've been doing well. my mom's doing the same thing, and she's already lost weight. i'm excited for that. i think i've gained 10lbs since i started taking them. and no matter what, i can't lose the weight. well, not like i've been trying. but i think it's time. i wanna get back to me. the way i used to be, before i got down.
i feel content, but not quite "me." the pills i take make the bad not so bad, but the good, mediocre. i can be emotional, but that's just me. i can lose my temper, be rash and impatient. but i can also be loving, happy, kind, and carefree.
i've had one relationship, a real one, whilst taking these pills. the only reason it worked for as long as it did, was because he was also on anti-depressants. but our relationship fizzled to an end. we could never really FEEL for each other, because our emotions and feelings were muted. it wasn't anyone's fault, but it's almost depressing to think about it.
how have i been on these drugs for so long?
i want to feel again.
hurt. rage. happy. orgasmic. indifference. compassion.
feelings. whoooooaaaa feelings.