Just passing the time...
Never know what's going to come next at this point. I let everything flow and do everything that's expected of me. I've been trying too hard lately. I've purposely made sure I don't try to overwork myself now because I have been to the point that by the end of the day I can hardly get up. Everything hurts so bad. I am working myself so hard. I do this all to enjoy my weekends. So I can relax and not worry like I do during the week. The horrible week. The horrible week that's ahead of me. It's going to be hard and every week it gets worse. Probably only because every week gets closer and closer to graduation and than you're sitting in the corner crying, scared because you never knew how hard it was going to be. Well that's my guess anyways. Graduating, as great as it seems, is so hard. There is so much pressure to do your absoulete best. I'm afraid that I'm going to do so well and get all my marks back up which I have already done and than exams will come. I have a deep rooted fear of tests and even if I know the material, I always mess up. The best mark I've gotten this semester on a test was Biology and that was a 93% and that was a couple of weeks ago. I know it's not bad but it's that good because I've been working so hard. I just got my project back from Chemistry and I got a 94%.. pretty good for someone who was failing and went from a 38% to passing with flying colours. I think that's something to look up to. Although I'm not at all proud of my behaviour in the not so distant past. I'm not proud of the way I reacted to all of the situations that are going on in my life. I still don't understand how I went from being a complete dumbass pothead to getting 90% on everything. How the hell did this shit come about? I was afraid of failing and not graduating. I know now that that can never happen. I fucking did it! I proved it to myself. No matter how far I am in a hole it seems that I can always dig myself out. That gives me hope for a bright future. That gives me confidence. I believe that I might be able to do anything and it seems that I can. The only thing that I have been unsuccessful in is getting a job. I have been working so hard. Doing so many things in the little time that I have left in this life. My life shall end when school is over because I will be reborn as an adult. I will have to make adult decisions. I will have my own life, freedom. I will have responsibilites as a person, an adult. I have three classes tommorrow. I always love these days except that I have to spend my frees at the school and I have no one good on them as usual. I can't really stand many people nowadays. Could be the quitting everything. I haven't had a smoke in 4 days. I haven't smoked pot in almost two weeks, e two weeks, acid two weeks. I drank last weekend but drinking isn't bad, well in my opinion anyways. EVERYONE drinks.. god! I've been so straight edge lately that it's scary. So I wouldn't say that my personal relationships with people are too bad but they're definitely not perfect. Kris and I are okay. I wouldn't say we're perfect but that's what makes it so interesting. You never know how we are going to be towards each other which is great; it's completely unpredictible. Well I'm just a completely unpredictible person. This might be because I don't let people in on much so when I do things they are like, "WTF?" because I don't let them know who I am so they never quite seem to understand my motives behind things. Unfortunately, I used to think a lot of people knew me but I was definitely wrong about that because I would assume people knew what I was talking about when I talked to them but that wasn't really the case. They would either look at me strangely or assume that I'm talking about something else. I sometimes do wish that I could have someone around that would just understand what I say but than I realize how sad that would be. Than I wouldn't get the crazy looks or the screams. Sometimes it's better that people not know you because it's funner that way. I would rather not have people explore the dark recesses of my mind. They would get scared and than I wouldn't have any friends. I am a person who could live their lives without friends though. I mean, sometimes they seem like a great idea but sometimes it is so much fun just being by yourself. I can just wallow in self pity, masturbate, whatever the hell I want and no one can look at me and say, "hey, you can't do that!" or tell me that what I am doing is wrong because no one is fucking watching! My room is my dungeon. I have my own throne that I sit on and let only really special people sit on. It's always dark inside there. I would say that my room reflects me better than anything because everything in it is something important to me. Everything in there means something and holds so many memories whether they be good or bad. When it comes to the past I tend to try and forget about the bad stuff, it might be hard sometimes but it's better than feeling bad all the time. I rather remember all the fun times and the happy times. The times that helped me create the person I am today. I have come one hell of a long way. I have made a lot of changes. I would prefer the past be hard than easy because my past was extremely difficult but something must have went right because look who I am today. I am determined, motivated, enthusiastic. I work for everything I have and will never stop working for what I want. I will not end this life until I have gotten everything I want unless someone were to come up to me right now and shoot me in the head, even than I may die satisfied but I really want to see what comes after high school. Doesn't everyone? I haven't been angry in a long time which has always been a goal of mine. I mean, I get annoyed more than any one person should but I keep it pretty under control which is a really good thing because if I didn't there would be a lot of dead corpses lying around and I would be in jail by now. I went to my therapists yesterday. She is impressed with my progress but she thinks that I am putting way too much on my plate and thinks that I'm going to completely destroy myself by taking on too much. I can see it happening too.. it will be bad. I will just overload myself and metaphorically blow up. That tends to happen a lot in my life so it won't be a big deal like it used to be. As long as it isn't as bad as it was the last time it happened in January. I had to be exempt from exams for being "clinically insane" but that just happens to be for different reasons than overworking myself. I am so much more than my apperance decieves. There is so much more to me that people could never know. I'm not special or unique.. I am but I'm not the only one, everyone is. I believe that in my heart. No matter how bad someone pisses me off I still appreciate them as a person. It's my right as a Canadian citizen to do so.. right? Well it's important to just let things fly and see where this all takes me. I can't wait to graduate but I don't want to wish my life away.. now, on to Turner's Syndrome!