Things I've realised today.....
1) Today was god damm hot!
2) Life didnt come with a hand book, so therefore, you cant live life by Black and White rules.
3) Life is the fatal adventure we all travel, as I said, you cant live by black and white rules.
4) I have major desions to choose from: a) either stay up here and start a new life and a new begining B) go back to sydney and take a chance
5) the people you hope to trust in arent always trust worthy. The ones you seek advice from always let you down. The one person I want to take a chance on, who I want to be able to rely on just lets me down everytime I need help, yet on their darkest days I somehow are the first person they call.
See I know I have a good opptuntiy offered to me. The money may not be great, But they are good blokes, and where else would I ever be offered an opptuntiy like they are offering me? But If I stay up here, having a complete fresh start from all the shit that is my life in sydney, maybe something good will happen for me here. Ok so I would be living with my folks again, but on the up side I have my own private access to the house, Mum and Dad are not the same (strict wise) as they were before I left home about 11yrs ago.
The One thing I can say for certain, even thou I still quiet frequently draw myself into isolation and cant stand being around anyone at certain times( I know that comes from the illness as they call it), I cant live by myself. Thats the only thing I can 100% make a desion on. If I go back to Sydney I have lined up accomidation with a very good friend (who I have known for about 10-12yrs) parents, that I live with them. Since I moved out of home, they have been like surigot(sp?) parents. To Me and My Ex and to pretty much all his friends.
I seem to be at a cross roads. Having reveiwed my life to this point, I have thrown away many good things and replaced them with shit things. If you had told me this would be my life 5yrs ago, hell even 12months ago, I wouldnt have belived you. Lately some days have seemed very promising. Which is a good thing.
I think given everything that has happened in the last 6months of my life, I am finaly accepting that he died by his own hand. I feel so much guilt and pain towards it because of what happened in the last 24hrs of his life, and even thou I may have triggered the events that followed I did not tie the rope, I did not tell him to kill himself. He made those desions. Sometimes I feel like it was the altimate Fuck You! when you look at it, it really is, because there is no comeback.
Deep down, I think I have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life, because I think to myself sometimes, given everything, who would ever want to be with me, to love me, to hold me, to care for me, and for them to allow me to do the same in returm. I tell myself I cant think negative, and that some one will come along, cause humans arent designed to be alone. But then relatiy hits and I realise life is not a fairy tale and that there isnt always a happy ending.
Oh and have I mentioned I miss sex. I guess thats a good thing. Cause I did have a high libdo, but that vanished the day he died. I suspect maybe thats a sign that I am healing.
Maybe QLD isnt the answer. I dont know what the answer is anymore. I am still a shell of who I once was, but I am finding my feet again. I just wish someone would build a time machine go into the future and tell me what the right path is for me to take. *bangs head repeatly on the desk*
2) Life didnt come with a hand book, so therefore, you cant live life by Black and White rules.
3) Life is the fatal adventure we all travel, as I said, you cant live by black and white rules.
4) I have major desions to choose from: a) either stay up here and start a new life and a new begining B) go back to sydney and take a chance
5) the people you hope to trust in arent always trust worthy. The ones you seek advice from always let you down. The one person I want to take a chance on, who I want to be able to rely on just lets me down everytime I need help, yet on their darkest days I somehow are the first person they call.
See I know I have a good opptuntiy offered to me. The money may not be great, But they are good blokes, and where else would I ever be offered an opptuntiy like they are offering me? But If I stay up here, having a complete fresh start from all the shit that is my life in sydney, maybe something good will happen for me here. Ok so I would be living with my folks again, but on the up side I have my own private access to the house, Mum and Dad are not the same (strict wise) as they were before I left home about 11yrs ago.
The One thing I can say for certain, even thou I still quiet frequently draw myself into isolation and cant stand being around anyone at certain times( I know that comes from the illness as they call it), I cant live by myself. Thats the only thing I can 100% make a desion on. If I go back to Sydney I have lined up accomidation with a very good friend (who I have known for about 10-12yrs) parents, that I live with them. Since I moved out of home, they have been like surigot(sp?) parents. To Me and My Ex and to pretty much all his friends.
I seem to be at a cross roads. Having reveiwed my life to this point, I have thrown away many good things and replaced them with shit things. If you had told me this would be my life 5yrs ago, hell even 12months ago, I wouldnt have belived you. Lately some days have seemed very promising. Which is a good thing.
I think given everything that has happened in the last 6months of my life, I am finaly accepting that he died by his own hand. I feel so much guilt and pain towards it because of what happened in the last 24hrs of his life, and even thou I may have triggered the events that followed I did not tie the rope, I did not tell him to kill himself. He made those desions. Sometimes I feel like it was the altimate Fuck You! when you look at it, it really is, because there is no comeback.
Deep down, I think I have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life, because I think to myself sometimes, given everything, who would ever want to be with me, to love me, to hold me, to care for me, and for them to allow me to do the same in returm. I tell myself I cant think negative, and that some one will come along, cause humans arent designed to be alone. But then relatiy hits and I realise life is not a fairy tale and that there isnt always a happy ending.
Oh and have I mentioned I miss sex. I guess thats a good thing. Cause I did have a high libdo, but that vanished the day he died. I suspect maybe thats a sign that I am healing.
Maybe QLD isnt the answer. I dont know what the answer is anymore. I am still a shell of who I once was, but I am finding my feet again. I just wish someone would build a time machine go into the future and tell me what the right path is for me to take. *bangs head repeatly on the desk*