(no subject)
The Rising Sun Sets in Heaven
A Play by Kim
[In Jack’s office]
JACK: Not to worry, Miss. I’ll… WE’LL take care of it.
PENELOPE: I wasn’t worried, Jack. What worries me is that you think you’re in love with me, and you think you’re some honest to god detective! Besides, you know I’m engaged to Jake, I mean, how could you even think about betraying your brother?
JACK: Brother? I think you’ve got your use of the word wrong, Penelope. But anyway. I’ll take care of everything you asked me to, you know that.
P: Fine, fine.
[Girl comes into office]
GIRL: Hello?
JACK: Oh! We’re in here, miss.
GIRL: Oh, hi.
JACK: Jack.
GIRL: Si- [cut off by Penelope]
P: PENELOPE! [shoves hand in middle where no one takes it]
SILVER: [glances at both, shakes head slightly] Silver.
P: Oh, what a pretty name! Well Jack, I really must be off, you know. Back home to Jake and all that.
JACK: Right, right. [unemotional, as per usual]
[secretary (Sandy) leaves as well]
SANDY: G’night, y’all!
JACK: ‘Night, Sandy.
SI: So, I hear you know people.
JACK: [taken aback] What?
SI: Oh, come on, Jacky. All of your enemies mysteriously lose jobs, resign, take leaves of absence, all the stocks you choose turn huge profits overnight… do you want me to continue.
[Jack gestures for her to stop]
[Silver grins]
SI: I try to be as direct as possible. Things are so much easier that way, don’t you think?
JACK: Perceptive. Very, very perceptive. [Long, awkward pause] very, VERY perceptive.
SI: Oh, like I’m the first to notice Jack Handler building an empire. I’m just the only one who really cares.
JACK: I’m sorry, I still don’t understand why you’re here…?
SI: [voice gets progressively higher in pitch as monologue continues] Of course Jack - I can call you Jack? I’m Silver Laurel, a junior associate at a law firm called Brieman & Reane. Our upper offices manage lawsuits that you put in action, yes, we know about how you got the money to start this business. The senior partners were told to keep quiet, remember? Right. Don’t worry, they didn’t break their promises. Amazing what some money slipped into the right pockets can do, huh? [nervous giggle] I must say - well spent, Jack. The payoff from your lawsuits were huge. Enough to start this little kingdom you’ve got here, and then expand. Your products are everywhere, Mr. Handler.
JACK: So, what do you want?
SI: You. Naw, that’s just a bit of business humor. [laugh]
[weak laughter from jack]
SI: Okay, so what I want is money.
JACK: Weeeeell, I can’t transfer any large amounts to you.
SI: [taken aback] what?!
[Jack’s cell phone rings]
JACK: [answering phone] yeah?
BUDA: Hey, it’s me, okay? Tim Budaped.
JACK: Oh hey, Buda. Whaddup?
SI: Who the hell are you talking to.
JACK: Um, um, um… My wife…
SI: No, you’re not.
JACK: Yeah, I am.
SI: I know you’re not.
JACK: [taken aback] What?
B: Hey, you got a girl there?
JACK: I’m in my office, Buda.
B: Hawt.
JACK: No, fata- Buda.
B: Seeya! [resonating click]
JACK: Well, that was stupid.
SI: Why do they call him Buda?
JACK: “Tim” apparently isn’t “him”.
SI: Well, the point is I’ll be here in 2 days time to collect money. You don’t mind if I stay in a guest room that you might have in your apartment, do you? My condo is broken and then they shut it down. And then rats invaded, then babies…really…big ones…
JACK: Fine, smart-aleck. Let’s us two get a cab [body slams SI]. Or we could get separate cabs. Your choice.
SI: Let’s just go, aight?
[arrive at apartment]
Jack: You can sleep on the futon in the den area.
SI: Neat. Thanks. See you tomorrow…[seductive] Jack.
[next day]
Jack: Yum. I love bacon for breakfast.
[SI enters]
SI: Freaking air vent in the den kept me up all night…[long pause] can I sleep in your room tonight…[seductive] Jack?
Jack: [sensing nothing amiss] Sure.
[at work]
SA: where’s your girlfriend, that girl?
JACK: Dunno whatcher talkin’ ‘bout.
TOMPLOY THE CAT: AOWWWWWW.
JACK: Oh, Sandy, you don’t mind if I brought my cat, Tomploy, in, do ya?
SA: No’t’all. Your phone’s a-ringin’!
[short pause, Jack’s phone begins to ring]
JACK: [taken aback] What? How did you…Ah, never mind.
SA: [mysterious smile on Sandy’s face]
JACK: [answers phone] Yeah?
GZI-GZI: [in poor French/Polish/Italian accent] Gzack? I came in today and saw some KHHO… just laying about. You know how I hate to see the prostitutes become lazy, so I put her to work. Just a-letting you know this, and I put your fat-bastard cat outside. I do not care eef this Manhattan, dumbass. Ciao! [resonating click]
JACK: [heavy-heartedly] Bye… [puts downs receiver missing base, knocks into coffee cup and spills on white shirt] Oh well. I’ll just go to the break room to fix it.
[Sandy sees Jack walking by with coffee stains]
SA: That looks like a whale of a problem there, Jack. [chuckles] Whale of a problem… Whale of a problem. [repeats & mutters to self about Whale of a Problem]
JACK: Oh hey, Mitsu!
[guy walking by yells “yo mitsu! Mitsu… mitsu…” develops beat, beatboxes and walks away]
MITSU: Hey man. Haven’t seen you around in like…forever. [nervous laugh] It’s crazy, inflation, the internet - you can’t really talk to anyone face to face anymore. [cough] ANDROIDS TAKING OVER! [cough] OH GOD!
[awkward silence]
MI: [continuing if nothing had happened nonchalantly] Anyway, I been dancing. [waggles hip] my pelvic thrust is like, rabid dog cray-zee!!!
JACK: [uneasy] well, I actually just wanted to get this coffee stain out of my shirt…[looks down, but coffee stain has vanished] OMG! Where’d that coffee stain go. [wanders out while finishing sentence]
[back at JACK’S house]
JACK: [upon seeing the mess SI left in the kitchen] Oh dear! [seizures, gargles]