5 months ago...
heartache shouldn't feel this bad.
i walk around all day feeling like someone has sucker punched me in the gut
i feel like i'm going to puke at least once an hour
i feel like i've swallowed a rock and it's lodged everywhere all at once
i feel like my eyes havn't blinked in centuries
or have spent the past decade in tears
i've determined that someone has put a curse on me
and my mind is too scattered and frantic to determine who or why
i've never been good at making friends
so i have no one to unburden this upon
i just have to concentrate on not throwing up
as this stone inside me gets heavier and... ug.
i know it's akward on the phone now
i just try not to say anything that will poison your new
relationship
it's hard
when i feel sabotaged
i know i shouldn't
but i do
i've never felt so...
girly
that's not the right word...
i've always tried to be reasonable
to look at things logically and fairly
but now
i know there's no reason to any of my thoughts
it's all tangled emotions
fear
and sorrow
and anger
and confusion
and resentment
and rejection
the only sense i can muster up
is that nothing in my head makes sense
i'm suspectiong voo-doo, ferchrissakes!
the parts that hurt me the most:
pictures of you two
especially when she's in your hat
or at that park in anchorage
or at the diner
feeling like the reason you don't call
is because she doesn't want you to
or because i make you sick
feeling like you were falling away from me before this
and i was too stupid to realize
or that i somehow made you unhappy
but if not
then how quickly you were over me
how what little bits of reason i can remember
before this stone ate up my brain
don't mean anything to anyone
how i met your family
and i really just want to cry on connie's lap
but it seems like it would be violating parole or something
how stupid i was
to assume that you'd always be there for me
and that i didn't need anybody else to lean on
how stupid i was
to assume that we would christen your futon
how stupid i was
to think nobody would see a clerical error
and that anything that good could last for me
how stupid i am
to keep wearing this ring
this ring that bound you to sharon
you see?
there's no reason left in me...
and everytime i try to reach out
to find some relief in words
all i get
is cosmo and chocolate
"oh, sweety, you don't derserve that kind of man"
and they don't realize
that no,
i dont deserve you
i probably deserve a papercut on the eye ball
i probably deserve to burn in hell
i probably derserve to die cold and alone
but i felt better knowing you loved me
whether i deserved it or not
nights-
-or days-
go by
and i make the effort
i put myself to bed
i turn out all the lights
and close the curtains
and stare
how am i supposed to sleep
with this feeling
like ive been punched in the gut
like i've been half strangled
this feeling
that i am the worst person in the world
and i can't even tell why
i roll over
close my eyes
try to force a dream into my head
and for a minute or two
i can follow a thought
but then
i scream
or punch at the air
or bite my lips
to hold back tears
a few days later i'll sleep
the sleep of the dead
for a full day
and when i wake up
nothings changed
and i get no rest
dont take this as an accusation
i just need to put things into words
a desperate attempt
at self-preservation
and i keep telling myself
not to say anything to you
that will keep you from being happy
when you first told me
my brain said "no way"
and proceeded to make a list
of every reason she was wrong for you
the next time
i started to worry that i was mistaken
and hunted for back-up
and i told myself
as i've always told myself
that as long as you were happy
i would be fine
but the cornered animal in me
just knows
feels
senses
that this isn't it
and i can't hate you
because i feel i need to protect you
but i know
underneath all the pain
that i can't possibly be making sane decisions right now
that nothing i see is the way it really is
and that in all probability
you're happier with her
why else would you drop me like this?
voo-doo thoughts creep up
psychology and psychotics
a damsel in distress
with a clinical need
to fill in the void
this is all a trick, isn't it
isn't it?
like i said
i can't possibly be making sane decisions right now
you won't read this
you're not even looking
you don't really care
its just a shadow
of an old responsiblity
a remnant of an emotional obligation
you need to help people
to purge some indescribable guilt
whatever
do you see this shit?
im not in my head
im not anywhere, really
and the more crap
that keeps
spewing
from my fingers
the more i know
i should stop
the harder it is
to let go
the more this crazy bitch inside me
pushes
if i just
keep
on
typing
these stupid nothings
in my head
i will get to the bottom of this
but the more i keep
on
spewing
the less i like what i see
like a purge
a century too late
after dust
has become
the least of your worries
even
the mouse droppings
are nothing
compared to the corpses
of unrecognizable vermin
mostly rotted
in the dark
is that a collar?
someones cat must have died here, too
i wonder how hard they searched for it
and how long it took them
to find a replacement
i still can't believe how quickly i was discarded
i must have done something wrong
things like this don't just happen overnight
but you cant give me any straight answers
like you dont even know what happened yourself
you, the verbacious one
so in tune with your heart
seems like bullshit, now
you didn't see this episode on t.v.?
or maybe these are the answers you were given
fucking re-runs
listen to me
fucking bitch
no wonder you dont call
or write
or anything
who wants to talk
to a depressed
semi-hostile
psychotic
when you could be fucking your best friend?
maybe sex makes you stupid.
theres gotta be a trick to it
this cant be normal
some thing
some where
has gone
horribly
terribly
wretchedly awry.
i walk around all day feeling like someone has sucker punched me in the gut
i feel like i'm going to puke at least once an hour
i feel like i've swallowed a rock and it's lodged everywhere all at once
i feel like my eyes havn't blinked in centuries
or have spent the past decade in tears
i've determined that someone has put a curse on me
and my mind is too scattered and frantic to determine who or why
i've never been good at making friends
so i have no one to unburden this upon
i just have to concentrate on not throwing up
as this stone inside me gets heavier and... ug.
i know it's akward on the phone now
i just try not to say anything that will poison your new
relationship
it's hard
when i feel sabotaged
i know i shouldn't
but i do
i've never felt so...
girly
that's not the right word...
i've always tried to be reasonable
to look at things logically and fairly
but now
i know there's no reason to any of my thoughts
it's all tangled emotions
fear
and sorrow
and anger
and confusion
and resentment
and rejection
the only sense i can muster up
is that nothing in my head makes sense
i'm suspectiong voo-doo, ferchrissakes!
the parts that hurt me the most:
pictures of you two
especially when she's in your hat
or at that park in anchorage
or at the diner
feeling like the reason you don't call
is because she doesn't want you to
or because i make you sick
feeling like you were falling away from me before this
and i was too stupid to realize
or that i somehow made you unhappy
but if not
then how quickly you were over me
how what little bits of reason i can remember
before this stone ate up my brain
don't mean anything to anyone
how i met your family
and i really just want to cry on connie's lap
but it seems like it would be violating parole or something
how stupid i was
to assume that you'd always be there for me
and that i didn't need anybody else to lean on
how stupid i was
to assume that we would christen your futon
how stupid i was
to think nobody would see a clerical error
and that anything that good could last for me
how stupid i am
to keep wearing this ring
this ring that bound you to sharon
you see?
there's no reason left in me...
and everytime i try to reach out
to find some relief in words
all i get
is cosmo and chocolate
"oh, sweety, you don't derserve that kind of man"
and they don't realize
that no,
i dont deserve you
i probably deserve a papercut on the eye ball
i probably deserve to burn in hell
i probably derserve to die cold and alone
but i felt better knowing you loved me
whether i deserved it or not
nights-
-or days-
go by
and i make the effort
i put myself to bed
i turn out all the lights
and close the curtains
and stare
how am i supposed to sleep
with this feeling
like ive been punched in the gut
like i've been half strangled
this feeling
that i am the worst person in the world
and i can't even tell why
i roll over
close my eyes
try to force a dream into my head
and for a minute or two
i can follow a thought
but then
i scream
or punch at the air
or bite my lips
to hold back tears
a few days later i'll sleep
the sleep of the dead
for a full day
and when i wake up
nothings changed
and i get no rest
dont take this as an accusation
i just need to put things into words
a desperate attempt
at self-preservation
and i keep telling myself
not to say anything to you
that will keep you from being happy
when you first told me
my brain said "no way"
and proceeded to make a list
of every reason she was wrong for you
the next time
i started to worry that i was mistaken
and hunted for back-up
and i told myself
as i've always told myself
that as long as you were happy
i would be fine
but the cornered animal in me
just knows
feels
senses
that this isn't it
and i can't hate you
because i feel i need to protect you
but i know
underneath all the pain
that i can't possibly be making sane decisions right now
that nothing i see is the way it really is
and that in all probability
you're happier with her
why else would you drop me like this?
voo-doo thoughts creep up
psychology and psychotics
a damsel in distress
with a clinical need
to fill in the void
this is all a trick, isn't it
isn't it?
like i said
i can't possibly be making sane decisions right now
you won't read this
you're not even looking
you don't really care
its just a shadow
of an old responsiblity
a remnant of an emotional obligation
you need to help people
to purge some indescribable guilt
whatever
do you see this shit?
im not in my head
im not anywhere, really
and the more crap
that keeps
spewing
from my fingers
the more i know
i should stop
the harder it is
to let go
the more this crazy bitch inside me
pushes
if i just
keep
on
typing
these stupid nothings
in my head
i will get to the bottom of this
but the more i keep
on
spewing
the less i like what i see
like a purge
a century too late
after dust
has become
the least of your worries
even
the mouse droppings
are nothing
compared to the corpses
of unrecognizable vermin
mostly rotted
in the dark
is that a collar?
someones cat must have died here, too
i wonder how hard they searched for it
and how long it took them
to find a replacement
i still can't believe how quickly i was discarded
i must have done something wrong
things like this don't just happen overnight
but you cant give me any straight answers
like you dont even know what happened yourself
you, the verbacious one
so in tune with your heart
seems like bullshit, now
you didn't see this episode on t.v.?
or maybe these are the answers you were given
fucking re-runs
listen to me
fucking bitch
no wonder you dont call
or write
or anything
who wants to talk
to a depressed
semi-hostile
psychotic
when you could be fucking your best friend?
maybe sex makes you stupid.
theres gotta be a trick to it
this cant be normal
some thing
some where
has gone
horribly
terribly
wretchedly awry.