(no subject)
animosity
i feel animosity towards you paul. you are unconcerned about me. unconcerned and vile and mean. you've learned what annoys me and you provide me with this annoying behavior at nearly every opportunity.
i am beaten, exhausted, broken.
in my animosity, i want to strike out at you, to physically assault you, and so i have. one time. a restrained slap to the side of your head. the pitiful act brought no relief. nope. i really wanted to jam the scissors laying on a nearby tabletop into your head. yeah. i envisioned them sticking out of the top of your head. right. your head with scissors ensconced would quickly take me down. i wonder, “would it have been worth the physical pain that would inevitably follow?” couldn't be much worse than the mental distress and heart ache your animosity brings to me.
perhaps your attitude is purposeful.
you may feel unworthy of another’s sincere desire to see you succeed at, well, anything. and so you sabotage your growth by making me hate you. yes, i hate. if one loves than one can hate. as you stoke the fires of my hatred and animosity, you prove that others (me) will push you out, throw you away. i've played the role perfectly many times, sending you away, only to, at first, instantly regret and call you back. but, now, i let you go and you come back. and ask me “what’s going on.” giving me another go at throwing you out. and somehow this is all my doing, i am the unstable one. and i always end up feeling guilty.
why is that?
i miss my quiet life. i live alone, well before i gave you shelter here. i have few friends. i sometimes feel lonely. nevertheless, i choose, accept, cherish this patch of planet i call “my life.”
i am depressed.
yep. it's true. no doubt about it. and i’ve been this way for over a year now. it’s no wonder i’m a mess. can’t even control my emotions around you. get lost trying to examine the situation logically because depression knows no logic. of course, you are a master examiner yourself. you instantly perceive weaknesses that you can exploit. things like: care, concern, anxiety, worry.
honest people have and do experience these thoughts and feelings about you.
you are worthy.
of being cared for, of being concerned about, of feeling anxious and worried over.
feel
it’s time for you to feel
feel, and express the feeling to someone
feel
even if it’s just one emotion - feel
and then share it with someone you trust
it won’t hurt
i promise
now that i think about it, you have expressed a feeling to me before. yes. when i reached out with that unconvincing slap at your head, in exasperation i said, “i hate you.”
and you said, “i hate you more.” yeah, i remember it clearly now.
ah well.
i feel animosity towards you paul. you are unconcerned about me. unconcerned and vile and mean. you've learned what annoys me and you provide me with this annoying behavior at nearly every opportunity.
i am beaten, exhausted, broken.
in my animosity, i want to strike out at you, to physically assault you, and so i have. one time. a restrained slap to the side of your head. the pitiful act brought no relief. nope. i really wanted to jam the scissors laying on a nearby tabletop into your head. yeah. i envisioned them sticking out of the top of your head. right. your head with scissors ensconced would quickly take me down. i wonder, “would it have been worth the physical pain that would inevitably follow?” couldn't be much worse than the mental distress and heart ache your animosity brings to me.
perhaps your attitude is purposeful.
you may feel unworthy of another’s sincere desire to see you succeed at, well, anything. and so you sabotage your growth by making me hate you. yes, i hate. if one loves than one can hate. as you stoke the fires of my hatred and animosity, you prove that others (me) will push you out, throw you away. i've played the role perfectly many times, sending you away, only to, at first, instantly regret and call you back. but, now, i let you go and you come back. and ask me “what’s going on.” giving me another go at throwing you out. and somehow this is all my doing, i am the unstable one. and i always end up feeling guilty.
why is that?
i miss my quiet life. i live alone, well before i gave you shelter here. i have few friends. i sometimes feel lonely. nevertheless, i choose, accept, cherish this patch of planet i call “my life.”
i am depressed.
yep. it's true. no doubt about it. and i’ve been this way for over a year now. it’s no wonder i’m a mess. can’t even control my emotions around you. get lost trying to examine the situation logically because depression knows no logic. of course, you are a master examiner yourself. you instantly perceive weaknesses that you can exploit. things like: care, concern, anxiety, worry.
honest people have and do experience these thoughts and feelings about you.
you are worthy.
of being cared for, of being concerned about, of feeling anxious and worried over.
feel
it’s time for you to feel
feel, and express the feeling to someone
feel
even if it’s just one emotion - feel
and then share it with someone you trust
it won’t hurt
i promise
now that i think about it, you have expressed a feeling to me before. yes. when i reached out with that unconvincing slap at your head, in exasperation i said, “i hate you.”
and you said, “i hate you more.” yeah, i remember it clearly now.
ah well.