life and the definition of "wifey material"
I can safely say for the first time I'm genuinely rethinking my former outlook on the future.
Like, my boyfriend makes me want to be a better person for him. A better girlfriend. The kind of girl he'd be proud to keep forever. Which is scary, but hey.
I think what I had previously deemed commitment phobia was really just me smothering my desire to be wanted in that way. Frankly, I have never and probably will never be wifey material. Though I find myself watching baby shows and Say Yes to the Dress even though I never thought I would. Not saying I'm dying for it, because I'm not. I'm just warming up to the idea of a happy someday (several years from now) family of my own, where my dad, who was my inspiration and literally a mirror image of my own personality could see what I'm capable of, and my mother, whom I could never understand, would be cast in a new light.
Honestly, I downplayed my nesting instinct and disregarded the comments friends and family about my maternal instincts because I couldn't - and still, realistically, cannot - see anybody wanting to settle down with me. I am confident in myself and my strength, my ability to endure when I'm wearing thin, my intelligence. I like to think I'm at least mildly attractive (although a lot of people still put too much stock in race). But I'm indecisive, emotionally turbulent, fairly flamboyant, and more than a little androgynous. I don't have too many aspirations and I'm not ambitious, and I'm hardly interested in money (though I'm flaky with it). And all those things make me a horrible candidate for a partner.
But I want to be, so bad.
I want to show him I can be good enough.
But I don't know how.
And somehow, when the topic comes up, even though it makes me feel sparkly and beautiful inside, I keep rebuffing him or changing the subject. I can't stop myself from shielding my heart from him.
I'm not running to the altar. I'm in no hurry and I don't know if i'd be ready anyway.
I just want to show him how I feel.
But I'm a coward when it comes to this.
I just want to tell him that his love, his smile, his support is like a snuggle I never want to end.
Like, my boyfriend makes me want to be a better person for him. A better girlfriend. The kind of girl he'd be proud to keep forever. Which is scary, but hey.
I think what I had previously deemed commitment phobia was really just me smothering my desire to be wanted in that way. Frankly, I have never and probably will never be wifey material. Though I find myself watching baby shows and Say Yes to the Dress even though I never thought I would. Not saying I'm dying for it, because I'm not. I'm just warming up to the idea of a happy someday (several years from now) family of my own, where my dad, who was my inspiration and literally a mirror image of my own personality could see what I'm capable of, and my mother, whom I could never understand, would be cast in a new light.
Honestly, I downplayed my nesting instinct and disregarded the comments friends and family about my maternal instincts because I couldn't - and still, realistically, cannot - see anybody wanting to settle down with me. I am confident in myself and my strength, my ability to endure when I'm wearing thin, my intelligence. I like to think I'm at least mildly attractive (although a lot of people still put too much stock in race). But I'm indecisive, emotionally turbulent, fairly flamboyant, and more than a little androgynous. I don't have too many aspirations and I'm not ambitious, and I'm hardly interested in money (though I'm flaky with it). And all those things make me a horrible candidate for a partner.
But I want to be, so bad.
I want to show him I can be good enough.
But I don't know how.
And somehow, when the topic comes up, even though it makes me feel sparkly and beautiful inside, I keep rebuffing him or changing the subject. I can't stop myself from shielding my heart from him.
I'm not running to the altar. I'm in no hurry and I don't know if i'd be ready anyway.
I just want to show him how I feel.
But I'm a coward when it comes to this.
I just want to tell him that his love, his smile, his support is like a snuggle I never want to end.