for colleen: remember always!
december 24th, 2004
trip wrapped into a small tiny package and given to livejournal for christmas
the truth behind the weekend is a big lie. i packed up everything thursday after work, it was a week ago now. i slipped the directions to philadelphia into my suitcase before he could see them. it didnt matter, i had broken up with him a week before so it wasn't like i really cared, but would rather not hear it. so slowly and carefully i chose my outfits and nessecities, leaving out lots of things like body wash and dental floss and things you never really think to put into your suitcase i suppose. we started the drive around 8 instead of 6 and still got to philadelphia at 1:30. i drove 95 and colleen drove close to that. we stopped at a gas station in pennsylvania to fill up with $1.75 gas. we stood in awe of the sign that told us we just paid double in buffalo. well not double. inside we went for bathroom and ice cream and evian. i tried not to stare at the creature behind the counter, a man, a woman, a beast? used the urine soaked bathroom before leaving and heading back on the 81 toward the city that may sleep but not when it knows i am coming. home away from home, the best months of my entire life spent there. i am being nostalgic maybe. maybe. i could think of ariale's voice on the drive down, singing along to songs written about her in a bad way, making light of everything. talking about ex boyfriends and new boyfriends and seeing trucks turn into different things, ala floating cars. colleen had ariale syndrome, i guess i have that affect on people. soon, semi trucks were elephants and zebras and colleen shoudln't have been driving. i laid my head on my white car's headrest that i had never formed a relationship with before, and thought of all the ways i could get him back to my hotel room that night.
got to south phila and daniel helped us park and walk up a straight line of stairs that my feet quivered to walk up. just scared. we sat in a room with a keanu reeves and unicorn poster and laughed about his eyes, but in whispers. alot of whispering and kayta babble and colleen cuteness. daniel remained neutral and seemed ok, i guess, his beard was inviting and colleen invited herself off with him in the middle of the night to a land far far away. i woke up around 5 and moved from the small couch to the larger one. from the larger one i moved to the air matress. curled myself in the best 'invisible to roommates' ball and woke up at 8am to septa busses talking to me and la cucaracha on car horns or stereos or something, i'm not sure. i waited until noon, wireless internet. daniel woke up from colleen land and came to say good morning, he joined me for a cigarette. we talked about art and school and rochester and buffalo and didnt say a bad word about colleen. of course she woke up and discovered our conversation and thought i was divulging the secrets of the universe aka c. wandel. i didn't say a word. two more cigarettes on the porch before heading back to the couch i slept on, where the sun hit me directly and blinded me to the point where all i could see was my own pupil. they watched tv or something, so unsure. this was remniscant of last philadelphia i knew. we left to the hotel, drove from 3 until 5 looking for said hotel and finally came across it. half the sign was missing but i knew a microtel when i saw one, i knew it had to be.
checked in and stayed for hours. slept until 9 and drove into the city to see him. to see him. miraculously i pulled directly in front of his apartment, amazing luck or draw of fate or teleconisis. i had colleen call him to advise him where we were and soon he walked out and into my car and i felt warm. i felt warm and happy and when i touched him i felt hot. hot and cold and worried and calm at the same time. he drove us to a parking lot and paid our fourteen dollar parking and when i got out of the car i dilly dallied a bit before walking around to him and falling into him for the first time in 2 years. 2 years but he looked beautiful and perfect and and like i remembered him but different. the embrace was rib cracking and good smelling and tear inducing and when i let him go he walked a bit ahead of me and it gave me time to breathe. take a deep breath. this is the boy you loved. you are here with him. take that in.
i watched him walk ahead for a bit and walked beside colleen watching his hips swing when he walked and his arms wrap around his body. we got into his place and saw edward and the hug was not rib cracking, but nice. how do i explain how much these two people meant to me, how do i put into words what it feels like to see them outside of your old pink bedroom at your mother's house, outside of south st or outside of parks in the city. outside of doctors offices when you were sick, fourth floor bedrooms, or the beach. the van on the way to the beach, the van on the way home from the beach. these things totally enveloped me, poured on top of me like water on someone else's favorite tea that you will take a sip of and appreciate because it means something to someone who is close to you. the bars stay open until 2, so we went early, and ed and i spoke of long lost loves (being tube kitties) and fp. i choked on things to say to chris who walked a little beside me with his friend juaquin, so i stayed close to my colleen and pretended like it hadn't been 2 years since i'd seen ed. got id'd at the bar where no one else did. colleen and i showed new york state liscenses and everyone seems so impressed by that. so impressive. i felt impressive though neither of us could take a shower due to no hair dryer provided at the hotel.
the bar was cozy and crowded, the waitress informed us that a table would be opening soon, to just wait for it. we walked up the stairs, smoked a couple of cigarettes (smoking in bars, god) and waited patiently. chris was off somewhere doing something and we stood around talking in a corner about girls and mighty taco and normal ed things that he talks about. where are you, christopher? he comes and grabs us, the table is open, we need to go now. down the stairs and around the corner. around another corner and there is where we will reunite, this small booth in this crowded and loud bar. i sat beside him a little far for now. colleen and juaquin fit nicely in their side and we all spoke from across the table. "i'm glad your here" a text message made my phone vibrate and i replied "me too". were things starting to shape up? did it matter that when i looked at him i felt like we had never parted and we had been together this whole two years? what is that supposed to mean. our phones formed a circle in the center of the table and when one's rang, we all grabbed ours and made a valiant effort to get at least one txt before anyone noticed. a game of who can take the most camera phone pictures without anyone noticing. "colleen thinks you are cute!" i txt'd him. "you are right, she is really cute. is it bad news? wows 4 this being awkward" rang back. rang back and back again, i couldn't get it out of my phone or my mind, i stared at it and said to myself what have i gotten myself into. this boy two years ago saw only me with beautiful ariale around, beautiful girls at beautiful parties, amazing things, and his eyes set on me and pretended like i was the only beautiful female in the entire city of philadelphia. what happened? i squeezed out of the booth after staring at my shoes for 10 minutes, pulled colleen outside and cried on the corner of a parking garage. men walked past and the waitress peaked her head out and blew me a kiss. i worried about makeup running the most and hugged colleen. it is not her fault. it is not your fault. god, what do i even do now. my eyes stopped being so red after 10 or so minutes we went back inside. back inside where he asked if i was ok, i lied and told him yes. five minutes passed before he opened my cigarette box and saw only half a pack left. "oh do we need to go buy some cigarettes? lets go". down the street and across the street, he held my hand and pulled me closer to him. my hand fit in his like they were made from a mold to fit together, sculpted specifically to meet each others just perfectly. this is the first time my veins felt him rushing through in years.
shake my head a bit and snap out of it. he tells me he likes my hair. i say i like his. he says my weight gain is attractive and i am curvier now. cigarettes in hand now and we start walking back, just a bit, to the bar, he says "i cant believe you're here, the girl i was going to move to buffalo for". i say "you would have regretted it, aren't you glad you didn't?" and he says "no." the word "fate" comes up now and again, and we discuss the text message and he says it is awkward because he thought i was coming here to see him and the first thing i say is my friend thinks he's cute. he thinks she's cute too. it wasn't consolation but it was enough for me to think it didn't really mean half of what i thought it meant. back into the bar and sat back down, he pulled me close to him and i rested my head on his chest. "dont worry, we've been closer than this, before" and i smiled. by now, ed's girlfriend had arrived and stolen him from the show. the bar filled with smoke and colleen and juaquin hit it off. too busy writing tipsy love notes to the wrong person. christopher mentioned old memories once or twice and i said something about them as well and he seemed off. colleen and i used the bathroom and while i had her pinned against the wall, whispering in her ear, a girl pops out and says "did i interupt something?" as clever as it would hvae been to say "yes" we said "no" and giggled and hurried into the tiny bathroom to pee. "juaquin is goregous, he wants you so bad, go for it, kiss him for meeeee, if you love me, you will kiss him". she obliges.
back to the apartment and at first we planned on going back to the hotel. it was late, ok 3am. so late. why dont you just stay here. i crawl into bed and wrap myself in his sheets that smell like him and even feel like him. his bedroom is laid out exactly like it was in his old apartment, his bed feels the same and his pillows feel the same and his arms feel the same. "its like we never skipped a beat" and we kissed. we kissed and i cant remember ever not kissing him. i felt natrual and perfect and this is the second time i could feel him coursing through my veins. if i closed my eyes tight enough and let go of everything i felt 19, looking out a 4th story window while our legs entwined. what do i say now. he kissed me and i am worried about him wishing it was my best friend anyway. no consolation. he didn't console me, just kissed me. "what do you think would have happened if i had moved to buffalo" "would we have had like 14 kids by now?" i cringe at these questions now because they are all i have left from this weekend. i touched his stomach and his collar and he told me he hadn't been touched like this in years. i am the only one who has ever touched him like that. i pictured myself coursing through his veins. afterward, he turned his back to me and fell asleep. i woke up at 8 to negative thoughts and my clothes in a pile on his floor and smoked a couple hundred cigarettes in his bathroom while he slept.
soon after, juaquin and colleen wake up and i walk into the living room and crawl under the covers with her. i cover my face when she asks what happened, i say "im not sure". anyway, continental breakfast is almost over, so i walk back into his room, grab my scarf and whisper "im leaving now, call me later" into his ear. he looks up and says "really?" and i say "breakfast". he kissed me and this is the third time i felt him coursing through my veins.
back to the hotel a little easier this time. we laid in bed watching movies and taking showers and waiting for charlie to let me know when he was coming. two rolled around and he was coming in around four. back to south philly to see daniel, and parking took forever. nice to see daniel so i could smoke again, nice to see daniel because he appreciates gang of four cds on my ipod. colleen and him walk a little ahead of me at times but it is alright because i know she loves me. we walk a little farther and i pass the stores christopher worked in. the stores that stole him from me for 8 hrs a day when i was there. colleen decided to go in and tiny still worked behind the counter. i almost asked if he remembered letting me into shampoo when i wasn't 21 or letting me stay at his apt all day when ari was at work and before christopher loved me. i didn't and pretended like he was new and i didn't remember him. walking down south st, passing by the mcdonalds i was treated to on my birthday, happy birthday, lets go to mcdonalds. the wawa was right around the corner that we walked to every night to get hagen daz, coke, and cigarettes. god how weird is it to be on south street now. we turned around and packed up after saying goodbye to daniel. down pine looking for the park i ate bagels in at least once a week. this beautiful park, its beautiful. my feet hurt but not so bad and i really cant complain about the weather because it warmed up just for me. around four now, we drive to the train station and christopher calls just in time. how do i get to 32nd st. god, market is one way, this way. he gives me directions and we get there and wait an hour for charlie to find our car, or our car to find charlie. charlie, get in the car. make a right here, back on the 95. back to the hotel, chinese food and mandy moore movies. he tickeled for a bit but my heart was in other places. colleen took my slack and we drove back into the city after getting ready, wearing BLACK?! wearing black. back into the city. charlie, back into the train station. mcdonalds and solicitors calling either me or colleen a bitch. we forgot we had the camera but it came out that instant and we took hundreds of beauties and colleen grew a mustahce in a matter of seconds.
charlie got on his train and i gave him a psuedo hug while colleen gave him a rib cracking one. this was similar to the jesse keeler situation of september. though this time my heart didn't really mind. back into the car and into the city, parked in the same lot. another 14 bucks. we knew we'd just stay overnight anyway. called chris from broad and asked if we could come over. juaquin says "..i guess" and we call when we get to his door asking if that was a yes or a no. we're at your door, do you want us to come in, or no? he says "whyd you say "or no""? "whyd you say or no, why?" no hugs or kisses in the elevator, colleen pushes me into a wall or something and we walk back into the apartment, mad max, what the fuck is this, what are you retards doing, lets go. finsihed the movie up and he touched my leg and pulled me down to him. we didn't kiss. to the next bar, such a long walk, such a bad neighborhood. it all looks the same because my heart revolves around it all. new bar and friends already there. he makes juaquin and i switch seats and i get dirty looks the whole night from him because of it. christopher seems like his heart is into nothing and i ask him if he's alright. "my tummy hurts". a thousand pictures later, i sit on his lap and he kisses my neck and my forehead and my eyelids. back to outside, the cold, a cab, the apartment. a rooftop view and a fire escape later. i thought of us looking over niagara falls, on top of that building, we enjoyed the view and each others company both times. both times. back to the bedroom and things were more hush hush this time, no one felt it was as scandelous to be sleeping with each other.
back in bed and we dont talk this time. my eyes close and my clothes go back on the floor and his body is so warm. this is the fourth time i feel him coursing through my veins. his hands are so warm. he is so warm.
sunday morning it ended , woke up and woke colleen up and waited for chris to finish showering. he comes out and says "sorry to cut the weekend short, i have to go to work, ill call you later" and kisses me goodbye. rib cracking hug but his heart wasnt into it. this is when i felt him leaking out of my veins.
the drive home, we lost our debit and credit cards. we listened to only sad songs to remind us of the city we just fell in love with, or re fell in love with. we talked and didn't have to talk because i have never felt so close with her before. she understands and she is the only one to understand because she was there.
i miss you so much: so soon i'll see you again!