sneaking, paranoia
i'm back in my rut, perhaps not as bad as it has been, but 25 years old and have really nothing to show. friends all around the country, with all sorts of accomplishments, making livings from their talents and passions. i am envious, and 25, and working at a dead-end, incredibly cliche lower-middle-class job, coming home, sleeping, repeat. my motivations are completely dead.
and i think sometimes i could just financially save, take my giant leap i have suggested to myself quite often, for many years, start anew, whatever. a new city and a new line of work and more education and a circle of friends who know nothing of my past and the biases that come along with it. just totally recreate myself.
so, january 1st, i must vacate the apartment i completely hate, and while moving back downtown is a step up, it seems totally trivial and uninspiring, i want so bad to just actually do this, just leave.
absense of faith and the intensity of my (possibly irrational) fears, holding me back, as always.
and i think sometimes i could just financially save, take my giant leap i have suggested to myself quite often, for many years, start anew, whatever. a new city and a new line of work and more education and a circle of friends who know nothing of my past and the biases that come along with it. just totally recreate myself.
so, january 1st, i must vacate the apartment i completely hate, and while moving back downtown is a step up, it seems totally trivial and uninspiring, i want so bad to just actually do this, just leave.
absense of faith and the intensity of my (possibly irrational) fears, holding me back, as always.