(no subject)
from cyrce13 - George Carlin makes me laugh!!
New Rules by George Carlin
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
there's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let
it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," oooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two,"
will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.
New Rules by George Carlin
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
there's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let
it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," oooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two,"
will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.