(no subject)

May 30, 2005 01:48

so yesterday morning, I graduated from highschool. this was preceded by 4 consecutive days of performances, refereeing between parents, answering literally no ones phone calls (i actually am sorry about this) and not exactly saying my goodbyes. i thought that postponing farewells would lead to some huge overwhelming wave of separation anxiety, but graduation went off with no more than a few tears and i'm sitting here in pajama pants with my first pack of self-bought parliaments and barely even wondering what happened during the last four years of my life.

part of me thinks i'm just too caught up in all this change and excitement to mourn the home i've lost. i know what i'm doing with my life and where i'll be doing it, at least for the next few years; i know it involves travel, and work, and education, and probably men, and a hell of a lot more of this self discipline i've been growing into. i know myself better, if only because i'm pretty much out of the context of everything that's defined me and i'm still on two feet. hell, sitting in the car listening to shitty self-help audiobooks with my mom and godmother, of all places, i experienced epiphany: now that i know what i deserve from my relationships, i find myself suddenly miles from anything remotely close to love codependent attachment.

i have friends here, but no ties here, and for once i'm okay with that. i'm not picking up the phone to find a place to party, i'm not putting off looking for a job, i'm cleaning out old photo albums and drawers and throwing away every goddamn training bra thats been clogging my dresser since i left when i was fourteen. i'm populating my life with new things: heavy books, other more notable graduation presents (i'm sure i'll brag about this in a subsequent post), simple walls. i'm getting to really like space, order, silence.

of course this has not prevented me from staying up until two cutting fabric scraps from my old embroidered pillowcases, but hey, at least i have a written record of my existence to show for it. i'll try to validate myself this way more often.

bed now, because i'm picking up new dogloves (parenthetical !) in le morning.

ta
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