(no subject)
i feel like i should explain myself. explanation: um.
all i can say is that for the past two weeks i have been nowhere. i got off the meds i've been on for the past four years of my life and i'm still getting adjusted to my new brain. its like moving back into an old house i don't entirely remember (to reference a recurring dream,) trying to relearn all the wallpaper and the placement of the furniture. i get sudden anxieties like i haven't since I was fourteen, but i'm old enough now to balance somewhere between analysis and distraction.
..but enough about that.
the obligatory gossip rundown is that i'm still dating nate. not dating--dating implies commitment implies attachment implies eventual heartbreak. we decided that we're only together in the animal sense. he brings me dinner back to the cave dorm, picks the fleas out ofplays with my hair. there's pressure in having a boyfriend, there's no pressure in having a mate.
and here is the inner-emotional run down. i still have weird nostalgia/confusion/desparation pangs about phil, and lately about aj, and also lately about paul. and ha, guess which three i've talked to in the past week! lately i find myself going through my old shoebox trying to file-index all the different people i've been. i shred photographs and cry about it and i write about it too much, but maybe i learned this: none of it will ever form a cohesive picture. maybe i'm just attached to the sense of definition i get from keeping their letters stacked under my bed, but i dont know if i'm letting go(?) of the boys i've loved or the memory of all of these myselves anymore.
or, if you want the vapid surface rundown. this week i taught myself how to crochet. this week i have made crocheting a pair of legwarmers my sole purpose in life. this week i have eaten sysco-brand crab rolls with watered down wasabi and sticky rice, popcorn shrimp and jerked chicken and enough mango/starfruit/pineapple to put me in a coma, morelle cherry pasta and fried perch, empanadas, empanadas, empanadas. also pad thai that could never compare with what kit taught me how to make last year out of microwaved tofu squares. it's international week here, so our visual arts department has been reduced to writing the word DIVERSITY in popsicle sticks and gluing it to windows. tonight i am hosting coffeehouse as excuse to wear cubano dress. tonight i am not using participles.
from that angle, life looks alright.
all i can say is that for the past two weeks i have been nowhere. i got off the meds i've been on for the past four years of my life and i'm still getting adjusted to my new brain. its like moving back into an old house i don't entirely remember (to reference a recurring dream,) trying to relearn all the wallpaper and the placement of the furniture. i get sudden anxieties like i haven't since I was fourteen, but i'm old enough now to balance somewhere between analysis and distraction.
..but enough about that.
the obligatory gossip rundown is that i'm still dating nate. not dating--dating implies commitment implies attachment implies eventual heartbreak. we decided that we're only together in the animal sense. he brings me dinner back to the cave dorm, picks the fleas out ofplays with my hair. there's pressure in having a boyfriend, there's no pressure in having a mate.
and here is the inner-emotional run down. i still have weird nostalgia/confusion/desparation pangs about phil, and lately about aj, and also lately about paul. and ha, guess which three i've talked to in the past week! lately i find myself going through my old shoebox trying to file-index all the different people i've been. i shred photographs and cry about it and i write about it too much, but maybe i learned this: none of it will ever form a cohesive picture. maybe i'm just attached to the sense of definition i get from keeping their letters stacked under my bed, but i dont know if i'm letting go(?) of the boys i've loved or the memory of all of these myselves anymore.
or, if you want the vapid surface rundown. this week i taught myself how to crochet. this week i have made crocheting a pair of legwarmers my sole purpose in life. this week i have eaten sysco-brand crab rolls with watered down wasabi and sticky rice, popcorn shrimp and jerked chicken and enough mango/starfruit/pineapple to put me in a coma, morelle cherry pasta and fried perch, empanadas, empanadas, empanadas. also pad thai that could never compare with what kit taught me how to make last year out of microwaved tofu squares. it's international week here, so our visual arts department has been reduced to writing the word DIVERSITY in popsicle sticks and gluing it to windows. tonight i am hosting coffeehouse as excuse to wear cubano dress. tonight i am not using participles.
from that angle, life looks alright.