HEARTBREAK
I just spilled my heart to some random ass nice guy that I never used to talk to. But he was right there when I all of a sudden felt like shit so I just spilled.
I'm not kidding when I say this. I always get what I want. That sounds like I'm really spoiled, but I don't mean it materialistically. I'm an independent person and I've always taken pride in that. No one asks me if I'm okay or if I need help because they all assume that I'm fine, alone, standing with my own two feet and holding boulders upon my own two shoulders. I'm not some sentimental person who actually runs home after school just to cry from all the stress of simply not crying in public. That's not what I mean at all.
I get what I want and I crush people that stand in my way. Once I make up my mind, it's really hard to sway one of my decisions. I'm one stubborn bitch and I admit it: I'm hard to get along with, to work with.
I actually really liked him. Everyone said that I dug him for his looks, that there was nothing behind it because I couldn't explain why I liked him. Excuse me, fuckers, can you tell me why you wanted to fuck so and so, why you had fantasies of her stripping down for you, him cuddling up on you? Not that I thought of this shit when I liked that guy, but that's how a lot of people want to describe why they liked a certain person.
I didn't talk to anyone about it, but being on house arrest for a fucking week before the SATs is driving me insane. It's the lack of people around me that's making me think of the things that I kind of buried. I never had to think about them because I was always distracted by my family and friends, and I'm thankful to them, but it kind of built up over time. I am over it in a way, I think, but I haven't talked about it so it's not completely gone.
I lost to a girl I shouldn't have lost to. She wasn't anything compared to me but a face. In everything else besides the looks department, I was better. I was smarter, funnier, more charming, and more social. More people like me, and a majority of them won't change their minds. But everyone thought that I was okay just leaving things like this, because I'm "strong." I was the one who made the first move, and for that, everyone applauded me. On top of all that, I've never really lost a "fight." I don't back off until I win or there's neutrality.
And so everyone assumed that I was going to be all right. But I kept comparing myself to her. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not charming enough? Was I not flirty enough?
What did it come down to in the end? I can't even tell anymore. I fought with so many people just because of this guy. I fought with my best friend, I lost a friend who was never really my friend in the first place.... "It's Cammi Zhang. She can handle anything." That was what I got. And as flattering as that is, I don't know why I find something so wrong with it. It's not like I want everyone to know that I was actually really fucked up about it inside. And it was deep. So deep I didn't even cry to myself in private.
Until now.