This time imperfect
Dear you,
It's strange to be writing to you. I think about you a lot, but this time it's different. I don't know why.
I miss you. I miss you so very much. I want to talk to you so badly. Tell you all the things that the last almost nine years have brought. There is so much to tell you.
I'm listening to one of your favorite bands. This one specific song always makes me think of you. It's almost ironic.
I want to laugh with you. I want to talk about the time I mailed you a lemon. The countless hours we spent talking. I will never, ever forget the time that you called me and came as close as you ever would to telling me that you had feelings for me. I have so many fucking regrets about that night. I had basically been in love with you for several years and never admitted it to you. When you called me, I had just started dating someone new a few months beforehand. You started talking about us being best friends and what if we were like Dawson and Joey, best friends that were in love and clearly meant to be together. My heart... at that time, it raced. Now, it breaks. We didn't know then that Dawson and Joey wouldn't end up together forever. We didn't know then that when I didn't immediately tell you how I felt about you, there wouldn't be more time. I didn't know that the relationship I had just started would end so soon and so badly. I had no way of knowing that I wouldn't get another chance to tell you. I really hope that you knew.
You always meant a lot to me. Even after we stopped talking a lot. There were sometimes months in between our conversations, but it never mattered. You were my best friend. You were you, and I loved you.
The afternoon that you texted me last is something I think about quite a bit. You told me that you were in the hospital and it wasn't good. There was something wrong with your heart and you probably weren't going to make it. I remember telling you no. No, that's crazy. You were so young. You couldn't possibly be that sick. You couldn't leave me. I asked you to call me. You said you couldn't at the moment, but tell you what was new. What was going on in my life. I told you. You were so happy for me. I asked you to tell me what happened, what was wrong. You said, "later, I'll tell you later."
You told me that you were so thankful for all the good times we had together. How much we laughed. You were so happy that we were friends.
Later. It never came. You never told me what happened. I never spoke to you again.
I would give a lot to have an hour with you. I would tell you how much you meant to me. How much I always loved you. God, I loved you so much. I would make sure you knew how much you made me laugh, how much I truly cared about you. It seems so cliché, but you were a light in my life. I would hug you, I would make sure you knew I would never forget you. And that I also had some sort of crazy fantasy of being neighbors and best friends and also in love, climbing through your window.
I really hope you knew.