(no subject)
Dear You,
I bet you didn’t think I would be thinking about you today. As I was sitting around the kitchen table talking about a topic most people that I know of do not talk about. Weird sexual things. I have always been open minded to these things. I could talk about it and not think anything about it. Growing up I hung out with guys more than girls and my goodness I learned a lot. I also learned that boys think girls are sexy, hot and stay horny even when we are not trying to be. When we speak of anything to do with sex men think we are giving permission for something to happen. My dad would say...your personality will get you into trouble...I know exactly what he means now. I have no idea what he meant back then. I just wanted to fit in somewhere. I wanted to laugh and stay out of all the drama that come with girls. I guess that part of me is the part that got me into trouble that I couldn’t say no because I should have been watching my mouth and carring myself like a lady at all times. Sometimes I wished I were a boy. I would wear two shirts to smash my boobs so boys would not look at them. I would walk around like I had a goober. I would have a mouth just like the boys. Thinking if I was like you then nothing will ever happen. Boy was I wrong. The summer I would visit you we would sleep close together. Sometimes the floor would keep me warm. Snug in a nice warm bed right next to your bed. When the house was quiet you always found a way for your hands to go under my cover. I didn’t make a sound. Sometimes you would hit a spot that gave a jolt through me body. I thought your brother was the same. One dad as we were sitting on the couch with a blanket stretched out over both of us I started to rub my toes on his hip. He didn’t move. He didn’t acknowledge. When a commercial come on he got up and left. Very few men in my life would say no or treat me as a lady. They would stay their ground. Your brother was one of those boys. I thought about that time over the years and feel horrible for what I did. I sent friends request on social media over the years and was never accepted from him. I understand and I let it go. I am not sure if he remembers or he knows the boundaries or possibly he thinks of me as a woman that gets around. I could sit here and think of a million reasons why he does not accept my request. A million reason that will bring my spirit down and throw my self esteem out the window so I dare not think to much into it. I can see his family grow through his beautiful wife. I have not seen your social media and have not once looked it up. I believe we are friends but I don’t take time to look. Maybe once or twice over the years and each time I do I am reminded of the time I had to write to your parents saying I was sorry for being the one to ask for sex from you first. I had to admit to something I should not have admitted to. I took the blame and I should not have. It was never me that started it. You were the one that started fondling me under the covers during summer visits. It was you that made me freeze just like I did with the other men in my life. I was saving myself for marriage so my v card has not been taken as of these summers. I did allow you to take me after 16, after the one person I trusted hurt me. Took a part of my confidence. I just didn’t care any more. That is when our relationship turned for more intense visits. Every summer and very visit in btween we found time to have sex. Can you remember the time everyone went to a pagent and we left a little early. Drove my Oldsmobile cutless that had a little bounce with every bump in the road. We couldn’t get home fast enough. Ran downstairs to the basement and had sex. I never had an orgasm with you. I bet you don’t remember the time after my daughter was born that we were in your car and you put your hand on the back of my head and pushed it down on you. You cum so fast and hard and you knew how I felt about that. I gagged and spit it out in the floorboard. I also had my daughter pacifer and dropped it in your car. The family thought for a long time that she belonged to you. They were so wrong. When we would have our time together you were the only one for me. I was not sleeping around. I didn’t want to or have the chance to. Until I told our secret to a family friend. I thought he would keep the secret. I was falling for you. I don’t know why or where the feeling were coming from. I never once thought of you as my cousin because I was adopted and my grandmother kept saying we were not blood family. Over the years the more I thought about it, I think she knew something was up. But then again she thought I was having sex with her husband and thought my daughter was his because of how close he was with my daughter. That really bothered me over the years. Why would she even think that. Why would she even ask me if she was his. Back then I thought that was so gross. Was she jealous? What did she think of me or see in me to ask me that? So when our parents found out you told your parents that it was me that started it. I was the one that asked you to have sex in the basement. As I listened to the adults all I could think of was the pain I had caused them and myself. So I admitted to it. You and I both know it was not me. Is this the reason you don’t speak to me and barely spoke to me when my sister died. You sat across the table from me and spoke about your life but never not once looked me in my eyes. What did you think of me way back then? Have you thought of our experience over the years or kept it inside? Did you ever tell your parents the truth? Now your mother rest in the after world and she never knew the truth. You were the one that started it each summer. Each time we slept in the same bed at your house or my house. You were the one to push sex just like a horny teen boy that couldn’t control himself. And I am the one that never said no. Even when I didn’t want to. Once we started there was no stopping and I was the one that crossed the line and started caring and hurt family. So I wrote that letter. Put it in an envelope and mailed it. Then I cried myself to sleep. Praying for a way out. That was the summer. I ran away in the fall. Jumped out of the 2 nd story window after writing a letter that I was not coming back. That night the man that took a part of me was there. Downstairs babysitting teenagers. Oh what kind of trust did my parents have. So off in the night I went. Into the house of a teen boy and had sex till we were exhausted. I did not experience an orgasm then either. I still didn’t see what the big deal of sex. It was not fun at all at this stage in my life. I would float off somewhere else and pray really hard I would get pregnant so I would get kicked out of the house. I just didn’t care. That night was called to halt with the boy’s mother received a phone call from my parents demanding the boy to bring me home. Skip to end of January is the time I finally received my gift of life. Janurary 25 to be exact was the day my life changed. I concieved my daughter. You see my grandmother by adoption which is your grandmother by blood asked if you could be the father. My parents asked if you could be the father. Oh that would be such a tall tale wouldn’t it. But no you are not the father. It was the summer before that we spent our last time together and got caught and everything come tumbling down on me. I lost all respect from everyone. And you lost nothing. I couldn’t face anyone. I had sex twice after that. I didn’t have sex all the time as I was accused of. I was not a whore or slut. I knew exactly who the father is. Want to know a funny thing about this whole story? The family did not want the father to know or his family to know so I had to pretend I was married. I bought the wedding set and all. When I ran into the father at subway 6 months pregnant. I had to tell him I was married to a guy in the service and his name is Lee. Now that is really funny don’t you think. That story was busted wide open when she was 14 months old. The truth come out and the father was informed. So you might be asking why am I writing a letter to you about all this after so many many years. Because something very freeing happened. I learned how to speak up with something bothers me. I learned to talk about the times I have been hurt, took the blame when I shouldn’t have and I have learned that I am beautiful, strong and much more than an piece of meat for a man’s dick to go into. I was between 6 & 7 yrs old when two men took a piece of me and I blamed myself, One in foster care and another with a man my birth mother was with. I was 15 when another man took advantage of me. I was in early teen when you started. All these times I learned how to freeze. There is one difference with them verses you. You hit a spot I didn’t understand the feeling from so I had to explore alone, behind closed doors. That my friend is called hormones kicking in! I didn’t explore these spots with you. I didn’t want to and I knew what would happen if people found out. Then I found myself catching feelings. That is only because I was confused as hell to what my body was doing and somehow found that I liked it. Not liked you, just liked the feeling your fingers would cause each time they rubbed against certain areas. In time I learned I was experiencing changes and completely normal. Not normal with you but still normal. Feeling guilty and taking the blame became a part of what I learned to do when it come to sex. The changes and experiences at such an age built who I was for the next years. It set me up to how my body would react to sex. You my friend were a part of that. How do you feel about it? You help create a woman with low self esteem, took advatange of me, and put all the blame on me. You broke a part of me. And you kept it all these years until now. That is why I write about us. The truth shall set you free they say. So has the truth held you capitive all these years. As we sat across from each other at my sister’s funeral and I hear you speak about your family I noticed you said you didn’t want kids. You didn’t want a relationship. You had a son and divorced. You blamed her for the divorce Of course you did. You are use to blaming others. Now you have married again and she had children. Did you marry her because you come clean with the truth and can now love someone? I wondered if you ever thought about what happened between us and how did it effect your life. I was lost in these thoughts and didn’t hear much of what you said. It’s now time to get up, and move about the room like I care about most of the ones in there. People that rarely spoke about my sister. People that rarely seen her. People that were there to support others that rarely spoke about her. It has been years since most of these people seen or spoke to her. So why in the hell are they even here. And why in the hell are both of you here? Two souls that took a part of my soul without my permission.
Good bye