Apology + Big Brother + Avril + Mark Watson + Pink + Bernard Fanning + Guy Sebastian
Dear Rove,
First up, real sorry this is coming to you on a Friday. I tried to write this yesterday, but my internet was down. So I went to the pub instead. I love days off. Although, I have to work tomorrow, which is retarded. So yeah, that’s why this is coming to you late. Man, that guy from Idol with the massive afro is on Kerry-Anne’s show. Holy shit, his jaw is huge. Fucking look at him. That mouth is massive. I bet he can put his fist in his mouth with relative ease.
Okay, so, it’s that time of year again and Big Brother is starting. I’m so sad. I can’t believe people are still interested in this show. It’s so boring. A bunch of bogans go in to a house, get pissed and slap each other around with their testicles. I mean, turns out that really worked in Camilla’s favour. I now have to put up with her every morning at work. God damn radio. Remember in the American one how that dude put a knife to some chick’s neck? That’s television! The best we had was a sexual assault and some chick fell out of the spa when that arse-shaking-fatty was on the show. This seriously has to be one of the most forgettable shows on television. This is what, series 7? They’ve sent about 15 people in to the house each season, so that’s like 90 people that have gone through the house. Of them, only about 5 or 6 have remained in the public eye. Wes is on totally wild, Fitsy? Fryzie? Something like that and Bree (remember her, she wouldn’t get naked in the house, but then she thought she was going to be evicted, so she pulled her cans out “by accident”) host some show which has something to do with Big Brother and ruining my Friday nights, I’ve already mentioned Camilla. That’s actually about all I can remember. Those people are all fucking retarded. With the possible exception of Wes. He’s pretty cool. Still, why anyone would like to watch these people 6 nights a week and have some say in their share accommodations arrangements by way of phone is beyond me. And then there’s Gretel. And we all know how much I like that whore.
So I was watching Letterman the other night, and it was the day before his 60th birthday and I couldn’t help but think about how long he has been on TV for. Then I thought, “Thank god Rove won’t last that long.” Then, I was watching again a couple of nights later and Avril was on. Oh my god, what a whore. Why am I not surprised that she married that wanker from Sum41? I’m actually happy with that arrangement to be honest. I’m a big fan of rounding up second class citizens and putting them all together in the same area, like in a camp or something. Actually, re-reading that, I’d like to have another crack at what I am trying to say, because that sounds a lot like I think the Jewish concentration camps were wicked. Which is not the case. What I am trying to say is that the more these fuckwits get together, the less everyone else has to put up with them…but then they will have concentrated fuckwit-children. But that’s ok too, because kids get hit by cars all the time. So anyway, Avril was singing her new song about trying to be some dude’s girlfriend (what a slut). It was just awful. Then she was talking to Letterman and she just wouldn’t fucking stop touching her hair. It reminded me of all the emos in the valley. If you’re wiping your hair out of your face because it is annoying you, actually fucking move it! Don’t trace around it and then repeat five seconds later. I was getting so pissed of watching Avril do that while Letterman stroked her ego. I wanted to throw something at the TV, but I’d already put the cat to bed! Oh, and the dumb whore doesn’t even have enough moves to fill a three and a half minute song! She has like four moves and then sounds the rest of the time bopping on the spot, as if she is twelve. Fucking whore. Most Canadians are cool - because they have an American accent, but actually know what they are talking about. Avril’s not though, watching her is like eating glass.
Man, your line up this week is so bad I don’t even want to talk about any of them - except for Mark Watson. He’s quite funny. He’s been on TV a lot this week. By a lot, I mean twice. The Comedy Gala and Spicks and Specks. I’d not seen him before, but I was quite impressed. Not as cool as Jason Byrne though. I love him. He’s so crazy. My girlfriend doesn’t like him though. He was on Spicks and Specks too. He was quite good. Although, I like him more when he has some poor guy up on stage and he’s swearing at him. Good times. Anyway, this time of year is usually pretty cool for TV because all the comedians are in town to make good shows better, or in your case, awful shows slightly less awful for five minutes. Oh, I was quite surprised that Wil’s material wasn’t very old as well. I think I’d only heard one or two jokes before. Speaking of old jokes, open mic night was on at the pub, and the MC was a guy that I’ve did some gigs with back when I was trying my hand at comedy. I never liked this guy; I thought he was a fuckhead. Anyway, it’s been like two years or something since I have been on stage. This guy is still telling the same jokes he was telling when I was gigging with him. It’s like fuck man! You’re here every Thursday night, there’s a fair chance that everyone in this room has heard your set before. Get some new material! I should get some new material and get back in the game. It’s been too long and I need an excuse to go to pubs and drink during the week.
Hey, have you heard of that footballer called Fuifui Moimoi? What a hilarious name! I was watching the news last night and they started talking about him. Where the hell is he from to have a name like that? It’s awesome. Pity his hair makes him look like a wanker though.
I’m not going to talk about Pink, because this is like her fourth or fifth time on your show and she’s actually quite boring. It’s kind of hard to have any new material about her since she doesn’t do anything, ever, except trick girls in to thinking that by listening to her music, they’ll become empowered and take over the world, or something. I just don’t know though. Oh, I will say this though, that song of hers, I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m sure it has a name. Anyway, the lyrics go, “I’m not here for your entertainment.” Now, I hear this everyday at work - ‘U and ur Hand.’ That’s what it’s called. Apparently Avril and Pink had the same English teacher - There is no ‘I’ in ‘boy’ you fucking retard! How someone loves you, Avril, I’ll never understand. Anyway, So, I hear this shit at work everyday and I get very angry because Pink (I still refuse to use an exclamation mark as an I, by the way) works in a bustling little industry known as the ‘Entertainment Industry.’ Now, maybe it’s just me…but if you work in the entertainment industry, I dare say that where ever you are and what ever you are doing, YOU’RE THERE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT YOU FUCKING WHORE! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO, IT’S YOUR JOB AND YOU SUCK AT IT BECAUSE I’M NOT ENTERTAINED, I’M BORED! Fuck, I didn’t mean to talk about her. Anyone with an exclamation mark in their name isn’t worth knowing (except me. I’m awesome).
So one of my friends went and saw Wilco the other night (don’t worry, I’ve already stopped talking to her). She sends me a message that says, “So it turns out I’m standing next to Bernard Fanning.” So I sent one back saying (and I do apologise for the use of this word, but it was highly appropriate) “Say this: the person who just sent me a message thinks that you’re a cunt.” He said “thanks.” Then, about five minutes later, she sent me another message that said, “Now I’m standing next to Glenn Richards. Do you have a message for him?” Glen is of course the front man for Augie March (we’re so close that I can call him by his first name. According to Charles Firth’s book, using someone’s first name gives the impression that you know them and therefore know what you’re talking about. Of course though, neither Charles, nor myself actually have any idea what is going on, ever). I sent one back saying, “Tell him that I just called Bernard a cunt.” She didn’t though; she went to the toilet instead. God damn pisshead. I felt a little bit bad for a few days, because I hadn’t heard Powderfinger’s new song. Then I heard it on the way home yesterday and breathed a sigh of relief…because its shit and Bernie’s a cunt.
Instead of talking about Merrick and Rosso and Guy Sebastian I think I’m going to wrap this up. Why? Because they’re old hat. I don’t know if you know this, but one of my loyal readers went to school with Guy (see, it’s totally working, maybe Charles is on to something). Anyway, this guy went to school with Guy (if it wasn’t for the capitalisation, that sentence would have made no sense!) Anyway, after I give him a pound of shit last time he was on your show, this fella (now I know who I am talking about. Fucking Guy’s (capital) parents. Naming their kid a generic term for a boy. Retards). This fella came rushing to Guy’s defence and told me that he works really hard and he tries hard and is very talented. I can’t remember what I said in return…but Guy is in love with some hooker who rides an elevator! What the fuck is that song about? It’s just awful. As for Merrick and Rosso, are they even on the radio anymore? I can’t even check. I broke my car radio. The volume knob broke off one when I had it turned up really loud. That was fucking annoying. I got it lowered now with some make shift control that barely works, so I won’t fix. Also, my car battery died when I left my lights on (I’m a member of RACQ though, so that was the only four letter word I needed). When the guy gave me a jump, it wiped my radio, so it didn’t remember any stations anymore. After programming Triple J, I got over it and now that’s all I have.
Now we might as well take a reader’s submission. This is what someone who reads this had to say about you this week:
It’s blank because there were no submissions this week. Brad.corp@gmail.com if you’re keen. If you want to rant about Rove or ask a question, send it there. If you want to complain to me about my email, fuck off. What are you doing still reading if you don’t like it? And you tell me to get a life. Moron.
Hey Pete, did you feel like you deserved to MC the Comedy Gala? I only ask because you weren’t very funny. Also, I had a dream the other night that I saw you at the shops. I yelled out, “Hey Pete, I’m the guy that sends Rove hate mail!” And you said, “Oh, is that you? You’re a fucking arsehole!” Then I got on my motorbike, and I’m not sure, but I think I rode off in to the sky.
As I like to now, I’ll end with a question so that you feel obligated to reply.
I’ve had this cough for about five weeks now and I cough up a mouth full of phlegm two or three times a day. Do you think I should go and see a doctor?
Sincerely,
BRAD!
First up, real sorry this is coming to you on a Friday. I tried to write this yesterday, but my internet was down. So I went to the pub instead. I love days off. Although, I have to work tomorrow, which is retarded. So yeah, that’s why this is coming to you late. Man, that guy from Idol with the massive afro is on Kerry-Anne’s show. Holy shit, his jaw is huge. Fucking look at him. That mouth is massive. I bet he can put his fist in his mouth with relative ease.
Okay, so, it’s that time of year again and Big Brother is starting. I’m so sad. I can’t believe people are still interested in this show. It’s so boring. A bunch of bogans go in to a house, get pissed and slap each other around with their testicles. I mean, turns out that really worked in Camilla’s favour. I now have to put up with her every morning at work. God damn radio. Remember in the American one how that dude put a knife to some chick’s neck? That’s television! The best we had was a sexual assault and some chick fell out of the spa when that arse-shaking-fatty was on the show. This seriously has to be one of the most forgettable shows on television. This is what, series 7? They’ve sent about 15 people in to the house each season, so that’s like 90 people that have gone through the house. Of them, only about 5 or 6 have remained in the public eye. Wes is on totally wild, Fitsy? Fryzie? Something like that and Bree (remember her, she wouldn’t get naked in the house, but then she thought she was going to be evicted, so she pulled her cans out “by accident”) host some show which has something to do with Big Brother and ruining my Friday nights, I’ve already mentioned Camilla. That’s actually about all I can remember. Those people are all fucking retarded. With the possible exception of Wes. He’s pretty cool. Still, why anyone would like to watch these people 6 nights a week and have some say in their share accommodations arrangements by way of phone is beyond me. And then there’s Gretel. And we all know how much I like that whore.
So I was watching Letterman the other night, and it was the day before his 60th birthday and I couldn’t help but think about how long he has been on TV for. Then I thought, “Thank god Rove won’t last that long.” Then, I was watching again a couple of nights later and Avril was on. Oh my god, what a whore. Why am I not surprised that she married that wanker from Sum41? I’m actually happy with that arrangement to be honest. I’m a big fan of rounding up second class citizens and putting them all together in the same area, like in a camp or something. Actually, re-reading that, I’d like to have another crack at what I am trying to say, because that sounds a lot like I think the Jewish concentration camps were wicked. Which is not the case. What I am trying to say is that the more these fuckwits get together, the less everyone else has to put up with them…but then they will have concentrated fuckwit-children. But that’s ok too, because kids get hit by cars all the time. So anyway, Avril was singing her new song about trying to be some dude’s girlfriend (what a slut). It was just awful. Then she was talking to Letterman and she just wouldn’t fucking stop touching her hair. It reminded me of all the emos in the valley. If you’re wiping your hair out of your face because it is annoying you, actually fucking move it! Don’t trace around it and then repeat five seconds later. I was getting so pissed of watching Avril do that while Letterman stroked her ego. I wanted to throw something at the TV, but I’d already put the cat to bed! Oh, and the dumb whore doesn’t even have enough moves to fill a three and a half minute song! She has like four moves and then sounds the rest of the time bopping on the spot, as if she is twelve. Fucking whore. Most Canadians are cool - because they have an American accent, but actually know what they are talking about. Avril’s not though, watching her is like eating glass.
Man, your line up this week is so bad I don’t even want to talk about any of them - except for Mark Watson. He’s quite funny. He’s been on TV a lot this week. By a lot, I mean twice. The Comedy Gala and Spicks and Specks. I’d not seen him before, but I was quite impressed. Not as cool as Jason Byrne though. I love him. He’s so crazy. My girlfriend doesn’t like him though. He was on Spicks and Specks too. He was quite good. Although, I like him more when he has some poor guy up on stage and he’s swearing at him. Good times. Anyway, this time of year is usually pretty cool for TV because all the comedians are in town to make good shows better, or in your case, awful shows slightly less awful for five minutes. Oh, I was quite surprised that Wil’s material wasn’t very old as well. I think I’d only heard one or two jokes before. Speaking of old jokes, open mic night was on at the pub, and the MC was a guy that I’ve did some gigs with back when I was trying my hand at comedy. I never liked this guy; I thought he was a fuckhead. Anyway, it’s been like two years or something since I have been on stage. This guy is still telling the same jokes he was telling when I was gigging with him. It’s like fuck man! You’re here every Thursday night, there’s a fair chance that everyone in this room has heard your set before. Get some new material! I should get some new material and get back in the game. It’s been too long and I need an excuse to go to pubs and drink during the week.
Hey, have you heard of that footballer called Fuifui Moimoi? What a hilarious name! I was watching the news last night and they started talking about him. Where the hell is he from to have a name like that? It’s awesome. Pity his hair makes him look like a wanker though.
I’m not going to talk about Pink, because this is like her fourth or fifth time on your show and she’s actually quite boring. It’s kind of hard to have any new material about her since she doesn’t do anything, ever, except trick girls in to thinking that by listening to her music, they’ll become empowered and take over the world, or something. I just don’t know though. Oh, I will say this though, that song of hers, I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m sure it has a name. Anyway, the lyrics go, “I’m not here for your entertainment.” Now, I hear this everyday at work - ‘U and ur Hand.’ That’s what it’s called. Apparently Avril and Pink had the same English teacher - There is no ‘I’ in ‘boy’ you fucking retard! How someone loves you, Avril, I’ll never understand. Anyway, So, I hear this shit at work everyday and I get very angry because Pink (I still refuse to use an exclamation mark as an I, by the way) works in a bustling little industry known as the ‘Entertainment Industry.’ Now, maybe it’s just me…but if you work in the entertainment industry, I dare say that where ever you are and what ever you are doing, YOU’RE THERE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT YOU FUCKING WHORE! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO, IT’S YOUR JOB AND YOU SUCK AT IT BECAUSE I’M NOT ENTERTAINED, I’M BORED! Fuck, I didn’t mean to talk about her. Anyone with an exclamation mark in their name isn’t worth knowing (except me. I’m awesome).
So one of my friends went and saw Wilco the other night (don’t worry, I’ve already stopped talking to her). She sends me a message that says, “So it turns out I’m standing next to Bernard Fanning.” So I sent one back saying (and I do apologise for the use of this word, but it was highly appropriate) “Say this: the person who just sent me a message thinks that you’re a cunt.” He said “thanks.” Then, about five minutes later, she sent me another message that said, “Now I’m standing next to Glenn Richards. Do you have a message for him?” Glen is of course the front man for Augie March (we’re so close that I can call him by his first name. According to Charles Firth’s book, using someone’s first name gives the impression that you know them and therefore know what you’re talking about. Of course though, neither Charles, nor myself actually have any idea what is going on, ever). I sent one back saying, “Tell him that I just called Bernard a cunt.” She didn’t though; she went to the toilet instead. God damn pisshead. I felt a little bit bad for a few days, because I hadn’t heard Powderfinger’s new song. Then I heard it on the way home yesterday and breathed a sigh of relief…because its shit and Bernie’s a cunt.
Instead of talking about Merrick and Rosso and Guy Sebastian I think I’m going to wrap this up. Why? Because they’re old hat. I don’t know if you know this, but one of my loyal readers went to school with Guy (see, it’s totally working, maybe Charles is on to something). Anyway, this guy went to school with Guy (if it wasn’t for the capitalisation, that sentence would have made no sense!) Anyway, after I give him a pound of shit last time he was on your show, this fella (now I know who I am talking about. Fucking Guy’s (capital) parents. Naming their kid a generic term for a boy. Retards). This fella came rushing to Guy’s defence and told me that he works really hard and he tries hard and is very talented. I can’t remember what I said in return…but Guy is in love with some hooker who rides an elevator! What the fuck is that song about? It’s just awful. As for Merrick and Rosso, are they even on the radio anymore? I can’t even check. I broke my car radio. The volume knob broke off one when I had it turned up really loud. That was fucking annoying. I got it lowered now with some make shift control that barely works, so I won’t fix. Also, my car battery died when I left my lights on (I’m a member of RACQ though, so that was the only four letter word I needed). When the guy gave me a jump, it wiped my radio, so it didn’t remember any stations anymore. After programming Triple J, I got over it and now that’s all I have.
Now we might as well take a reader’s submission. This is what someone who reads this had to say about you this week:
It’s blank because there were no submissions this week. Brad.corp@gmail.com if you’re keen. If you want to rant about Rove or ask a question, send it there. If you want to complain to me about my email, fuck off. What are you doing still reading if you don’t like it? And you tell me to get a life. Moron.
Hey Pete, did you feel like you deserved to MC the Comedy Gala? I only ask because you weren’t very funny. Also, I had a dream the other night that I saw you at the shops. I yelled out, “Hey Pete, I’m the guy that sends Rove hate mail!” And you said, “Oh, is that you? You’re a fucking arsehole!” Then I got on my motorbike, and I’m not sure, but I think I rode off in to the sky.
As I like to now, I’ll end with a question so that you feel obligated to reply.
I’ve had this cough for about five weeks now and I cough up a mouth full of phlegm two or three times a day. Do you think I should go and see a doctor?
Sincerely,
BRAD!