Ugh, so close, yet so far...
I hate this hole I've put myself into. This self-inflicted vicious circle of depression. I most strongly feel that I am the reason as to why I have no real friends. I don't put my trust into anyone's hands right now. I can not trust one person. Gosh the ana communities help like no other. Just looking at other girl's successes take away my pain. Mostly because I know that I will be there one day.
Thinking about Ana and dieting and fasts and fantasizing about walking down the hall, without my inner thighs touching takes away the hurt and the lonliness. Like if I could just be thin, people would know. If my bones showed and I got taken out of school to be hospitalized, people would know. But, they wouldn't change. No one changes because of one person. But I won't let myself go just because I can't change the world; I can change me. Getting down to 100 pounds would be like, a mountain top experience for me. Like, euphoria, or Heaven. Just knowing that I can push out my stomach and not have a bulge that protrudes and humiliates me. Knowing that there's probably some guys who like me, and girls that envy me.
But that dream seems so far away. Too far away to obtain.
Enough about that. I'll be perfect. I'll be thin. I'll have all A's. I'll go to prom with MC. I'll be popular. They're such 6th grade, little girl wishes and hopes. But they linger in my mind, in my heart. Only waiting to be fulfilled. Because if not, they'll stay there forever.
Thinking about Ana and dieting and fasts and fantasizing about walking down the hall, without my inner thighs touching takes away the hurt and the lonliness. Like if I could just be thin, people would know. If my bones showed and I got taken out of school to be hospitalized, people would know. But, they wouldn't change. No one changes because of one person. But I won't let myself go just because I can't change the world; I can change me. Getting down to 100 pounds would be like, a mountain top experience for me. Like, euphoria, or Heaven. Just knowing that I can push out my stomach and not have a bulge that protrudes and humiliates me. Knowing that there's probably some guys who like me, and girls that envy me.
But that dream seems so far away. Too far away to obtain.
Enough about that. I'll be perfect. I'll be thin. I'll have all A's. I'll go to prom with MC. I'll be popular. They're such 6th grade, little girl wishes and hopes. But they linger in my mind, in my heart. Only waiting to be fulfilled. Because if not, they'll stay there forever.