And it comes up again
Sex...
Why does it always come up?
*sigh*
I mean really, why does it always come up in conversations? Once it's brought up, all I can do afterwards is keep thinking about it, and god knows that I can't say everything that I want to. My friend mentioned that he was going to die balls deep in a Latino rock drummer. All I could think of was how different my idea of a good time is. I pictured that last few times I was with someone and how good it felt to be touched and ... god this is why I hate when sex is brought up! I'm just going to say it and put it out there that all I want is a hand within me and lips around my nipples.. but god knows that you can't say that at work or even to some friends.
GAH! And then it's on my mind, distracting me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't just go find someone nor can I go back to my ex or my friend who's now married. It sucks when values and morals that you believe in ruin having a good time. And then there's the judgments that we cast upon ourselves thinking that they are the judgments of other. However, other people are probably thinking something else or thinking that they should be thinking something other than what they are because of how society is portrayed as viewing certain situations. See how none of that makes any sense. Why do I think that talking about sex is wrong or inappropriate? Why do I only allow myself to be this honest on my journal where none of my day time friends know me? Ha! I know why. Because I'm afraid of losing friends and being judged. But you know what? I'm always going to be judged, and friends should accept me for who I am.
And labels...
Well they come into play too. I guess I'm a nature loving, fire starting, star gazing, alternative music listening, glasses wearing, hair dying, masturbation loving, fast driving, meat eating, pop and alcohol drinking, adult swim watching, 1940's movie watching, country loving, tree hugging, trumpet playing, life exploring, moment living, comic drawing, sentimental, philosophical, masculine, nerdy, used to be vegetarian, cartoon junkie, goth, punk, hippie, 20 something, horror fan, tomboy.
I think that sums something up.
Well, I'm going to stop trying to justify myself for some unknown reason to some unknown part of me. So... fuck this. I'm going to go masturbate.