Reflections of the past year and new thoughts
So I thought about rereading my past year's thoughts and summing them up, but why bother? I might as well just sum it up and see what I remember.
A year ago I was leaving the temple. I thought it was for the best. My back had gotten hurt, my bank account, depleted, and I thought I still had no idea about who I was. I was wrong about the last part. I realized that my past still haunts me and that I actually am physically harmed by it. I miss the solitude and focus, yet I know that it was not the life for me.
I returned to Ohio freaking out about life and found what I thought would be my dream job. I began working as an outdoor educator. The hours were rough, the weather tough, and the days took all my energy to get through. I missed my family as much as when I was out of state. I understand teaching better, but I also dislike school structure more than ever. I couldn't wait to leave, but now I long for the few hours of free time we had to sit around fires, drink, sing songs, and enjoy the company of whom we worked with.
And then there was my relationship. ... I'm still trying to figure out all this. *sigh* I'm still hurt, still looking back fondly, and thinking I'm stupid because I should be remembering how much it hurt. Things were magical, and I really do think I loved him. Now I think I just long for what he did with me. It all makes me wonder what I want, what I will do, and why I still love him even though it hurts. Right now I'm even crying as a type. This was the hardest thing of the year. It was harder than having mono and pneumonia. It's hard every day because I am now someone different from it. Everyday I have to deal with this part of the last year. And everyday I go through life dealing with things in a way I'm not used to because I am filled with new thoughts, desires, and new levels of confusion. I have even ... even acted on impulses that could've ruined friendships. I don't even know if I've learned anything from it.
I've rekindled a friendship that has made we wonder about my future, my goals in life, and how I feel about marriage. I'm poorer than I've ever been. I'm living with family. I might be jeopardizing a friendship by moving in with a friend just to escape. I have no direction but forward. I have no guaranties except that I cannot give up because I do love life. I just have to breathe and sleep through the hard times when I feel like I can't make it.
It's been a journey so far this last year... from being homeless for a month, leaving my job, going to live in a temple, leaving and being unemployed, working at a camp, getting a my first boyfriend, going through a break up, being depressed, getting sick, being unemployed for 3 months, traveling Ohio in search for jobs, hooked on motorcycles, realizing the limitations of friendships, messing around with someone the day before he got married, crying so hard and hating life, living with family for 6 months, getting a part time job and food stamps, getting a guitar, having nature withdrawal problems, and realizing that I will never know what life will throw my way. This year has made me grow up a bit, but in no way has it made me bitter. I actually think that this year has offered me more than I can begin to guess. Thanks old year, but it's time for a new year! Adios!
A year ago I was leaving the temple. I thought it was for the best. My back had gotten hurt, my bank account, depleted, and I thought I still had no idea about who I was. I was wrong about the last part. I realized that my past still haunts me and that I actually am physically harmed by it. I miss the solitude and focus, yet I know that it was not the life for me.
I returned to Ohio freaking out about life and found what I thought would be my dream job. I began working as an outdoor educator. The hours were rough, the weather tough, and the days took all my energy to get through. I missed my family as much as when I was out of state. I understand teaching better, but I also dislike school structure more than ever. I couldn't wait to leave, but now I long for the few hours of free time we had to sit around fires, drink, sing songs, and enjoy the company of whom we worked with.
And then there was my relationship. ... I'm still trying to figure out all this. *sigh* I'm still hurt, still looking back fondly, and thinking I'm stupid because I should be remembering how much it hurt. Things were magical, and I really do think I loved him. Now I think I just long for what he did with me. It all makes me wonder what I want, what I will do, and why I still love him even though it hurts. Right now I'm even crying as a type. This was the hardest thing of the year. It was harder than having mono and pneumonia. It's hard every day because I am now someone different from it. Everyday I have to deal with this part of the last year. And everyday I go through life dealing with things in a way I'm not used to because I am filled with new thoughts, desires, and new levels of confusion. I have even ... even acted on impulses that could've ruined friendships. I don't even know if I've learned anything from it.
I've rekindled a friendship that has made we wonder about my future, my goals in life, and how I feel about marriage. I'm poorer than I've ever been. I'm living with family. I might be jeopardizing a friendship by moving in with a friend just to escape. I have no direction but forward. I have no guaranties except that I cannot give up because I do love life. I just have to breathe and sleep through the hard times when I feel like I can't make it.
It's been a journey so far this last year... from being homeless for a month, leaving my job, going to live in a temple, leaving and being unemployed, working at a camp, getting a my first boyfriend, going through a break up, being depressed, getting sick, being unemployed for 3 months, traveling Ohio in search for jobs, hooked on motorcycles, realizing the limitations of friendships, messing around with someone the day before he got married, crying so hard and hating life, living with family for 6 months, getting a part time job and food stamps, getting a guitar, having nature withdrawal problems, and realizing that I will never know what life will throw my way. This year has made me grow up a bit, but in no way has it made me bitter. I actually think that this year has offered me more than I can begin to guess. Thanks old year, but it's time for a new year! Adios!