(no subject)
i think it's time for one of those long entries where i just type so if you feel curious feel free to read otherwise itll stay under this cut:
i don't even know where to begin. so i'll begin at the beginning i suppose. no that's a lie. i'll just begin with some thoughts.
+ upon reviewing my new years resolutions for the year, i am actually pretty pleased with my progress. !
+ my field trip got cancelled today, wah
+ i really actually hate going to school here in CR. it sucks. i really like it here a lot, but i dont like being tied down to the city. it sucks A LOT. it almost makes me want to just come home. or drop out of my classes here and just travel. ughhh.
in other new news: i think i am moving to eugene, oregon at the end of the summer, maybe with casey.
there i said it! it's out there! nothing is for sure yet. but i really want it to happen. it's been in the back of my mind for basically two years, and it's always been a secret dream of mine, and now it might actually happen. i dont want to talk it up too much, because i dont want to get too down if it doesn't happen. but i think it really might. i've been thinking about it almost nonstop for the past week, and now i'm on to thinking about more concrete things such as jobs and living arrangements and what i would do. agh. i hope hope hope it happens.
i really do. i will miss richmond, and belle isle, and especially alyssa and ben and amy, and of course everyone in fairfax and everything. a lot. a lot a lot. but it's time for me to start making some changes in my life.
after all, one of my new years resolutions was to be who i am and be who i want to be; follow my gut feelings and instincts. all of that is telling me to go. only the "ifs" are telling me to stay. i live my life by "what if" a lot. and i dont think its a very good way to live.
i feel very detached from where i am right now. in costa rica. it's not a good thing. it's probably partially to do with all this thinking about the future and such, and missing my friends and home and family and everything. but i dunno.
its also like i built it up to be this big thing. coming here. i thought it would be a lot different. i thought it would change me. i thought i would be doing crazy things i dont normally do and seeing amazing things.
its not so much that im not, or it hasn't but, my expectations were unrealistic, and i almost feel like i've gotten all that i can out of this experience. i realize that's kind of like giving up though, and i'm not ready to give up. i want to be here. i like it here. it's just when i think about summer and seeing casey and katy and bre and matt and krista and everyone and then about moving and living with my aunt and being in oregon and doing marching band again, i just get so excited that my boring life in heredia doesn't live up to that thought.
hm. i dont even know.
the next topic i would like to cover is this: i was thinking back on highschool and how i've come so far since then, but in some ways am basically still living the same life, primarily due to the fact that i didn't go to college or experience that year in the way that most people do. anyway, while reflecting on high school i decided that something happened during highschool. it wasn't just now all of a sudden that i stopped liking myself. something happened between freshman year and senior that changed the way i thought and who i was. because i loved freshman year, i loved who i was, i loved my friends, i loved my life. sophomore year, i dont really remember. junior year, i did a lot of drugs and got fucked up and didn't do much of anything really. and then senior year, i pretended that i was everything i wanted to be again and that i liked who i was, but even though i was doing things i liked, something was still missing. so i pinpointed sophomore year. something happened there. i decided to reread all of my lj entries from then to see if i could figure something out, since i dont have my old journals with me here, and this is what i discovered: i stopped being me. it's that simple. i used to just do things and be things and say things that made me happy. i reflected on all of the things that made me happy and didn't worry to much about the ones that didn't. i was really positive. but then i started sacrificing want i wanted for what other people wanted. for fear of going off on a tangent im just going to be blunt and say this, although everyone including me already knows it: i changed my beliefs and wants so that i could be with drew. i used to blame him for this, but i'm realizing more and more that it was me. all the telltale signs were there that is was awful and only going to get worse, which is exactly what happened. but i kept ignoring it, so it got worse and worse and blahblahblah, we all know the end of that story. so basically around sophomore year drew and i broke up and got back together like a bajilion times and i basically just broke. after that i stopped writing in here. which i find very interesting: i don't have a single entry from the end of my sophomore year until halfway through my senior year.
i gave my self up, i sacrificed myself my values my hopes my dreams my aspirations. everything. i lost my sense of self by my own hand, and it's taken me this long to get it back.
but back it's coming. it really really is. i can tell, i can feel it. i'm in control again. not that i ever wasn't but i remember that i am now. again. or something like that.
i've made a lot of mistakes along the way, and i'm not proud of them. i hurt casey a lot, i hurt myself a lot, i fucked up, i pissed off a ton of my friends, made people think i was crazy.
but it's all in the past now and its time for me to make a new mark. and im going to. it's already started.
i just know. i can feel it tingling in the tips of my toes.
i don't even know where to begin. so i'll begin at the beginning i suppose. no that's a lie. i'll just begin with some thoughts.
+ upon reviewing my new years resolutions for the year, i am actually pretty pleased with my progress. !
+ my field trip got cancelled today, wah
+ i really actually hate going to school here in CR. it sucks. i really like it here a lot, but i dont like being tied down to the city. it sucks A LOT. it almost makes me want to just come home. or drop out of my classes here and just travel. ughhh.
in other new news: i think i am moving to eugene, oregon at the end of the summer, maybe with casey.
there i said it! it's out there! nothing is for sure yet. but i really want it to happen. it's been in the back of my mind for basically two years, and it's always been a secret dream of mine, and now it might actually happen. i dont want to talk it up too much, because i dont want to get too down if it doesn't happen. but i think it really might. i've been thinking about it almost nonstop for the past week, and now i'm on to thinking about more concrete things such as jobs and living arrangements and what i would do. agh. i hope hope hope it happens.
i really do. i will miss richmond, and belle isle, and especially alyssa and ben and amy, and of course everyone in fairfax and everything. a lot. a lot a lot. but it's time for me to start making some changes in my life.
after all, one of my new years resolutions was to be who i am and be who i want to be; follow my gut feelings and instincts. all of that is telling me to go. only the "ifs" are telling me to stay. i live my life by "what if" a lot. and i dont think its a very good way to live.
i feel very detached from where i am right now. in costa rica. it's not a good thing. it's probably partially to do with all this thinking about the future and such, and missing my friends and home and family and everything. but i dunno.
its also like i built it up to be this big thing. coming here. i thought it would be a lot different. i thought it would change me. i thought i would be doing crazy things i dont normally do and seeing amazing things.
its not so much that im not, or it hasn't but, my expectations were unrealistic, and i almost feel like i've gotten all that i can out of this experience. i realize that's kind of like giving up though, and i'm not ready to give up. i want to be here. i like it here. it's just when i think about summer and seeing casey and katy and bre and matt and krista and everyone and then about moving and living with my aunt and being in oregon and doing marching band again, i just get so excited that my boring life in heredia doesn't live up to that thought.
hm. i dont even know.
the next topic i would like to cover is this: i was thinking back on highschool and how i've come so far since then, but in some ways am basically still living the same life, primarily due to the fact that i didn't go to college or experience that year in the way that most people do. anyway, while reflecting on high school i decided that something happened during highschool. it wasn't just now all of a sudden that i stopped liking myself. something happened between freshman year and senior that changed the way i thought and who i was. because i loved freshman year, i loved who i was, i loved my friends, i loved my life. sophomore year, i dont really remember. junior year, i did a lot of drugs and got fucked up and didn't do much of anything really. and then senior year, i pretended that i was everything i wanted to be again and that i liked who i was, but even though i was doing things i liked, something was still missing. so i pinpointed sophomore year. something happened there. i decided to reread all of my lj entries from then to see if i could figure something out, since i dont have my old journals with me here, and this is what i discovered: i stopped being me. it's that simple. i used to just do things and be things and say things that made me happy. i reflected on all of the things that made me happy and didn't worry to much about the ones that didn't. i was really positive. but then i started sacrificing want i wanted for what other people wanted. for fear of going off on a tangent im just going to be blunt and say this, although everyone including me already knows it: i changed my beliefs and wants so that i could be with drew. i used to blame him for this, but i'm realizing more and more that it was me. all the telltale signs were there that is was awful and only going to get worse, which is exactly what happened. but i kept ignoring it, so it got worse and worse and blahblahblah, we all know the end of that story. so basically around sophomore year drew and i broke up and got back together like a bajilion times and i basically just broke. after that i stopped writing in here. which i find very interesting: i don't have a single entry from the end of my sophomore year until halfway through my senior year.
i gave my self up, i sacrificed myself my values my hopes my dreams my aspirations. everything. i lost my sense of self by my own hand, and it's taken me this long to get it back.
but back it's coming. it really really is. i can tell, i can feel it. i'm in control again. not that i ever wasn't but i remember that i am now. again. or something like that.
i've made a lot of mistakes along the way, and i'm not proud of them. i hurt casey a lot, i hurt myself a lot, i fucked up, i pissed off a ton of my friends, made people think i was crazy.
but it's all in the past now and its time for me to make a new mark. and im going to. it's already started.
i just know. i can feel it tingling in the tips of my toes.