Topic 30 Secrets
*so fucking locked that if anyone breaks into it I will kill you Faith style. got it? Awesome.*
The biggest secret I have is something you wouldn't get me to admit to you under any amount of torture. It's the secret thoughts I keep in the back of my head and only even ponder when Sammy is getting his two hours of fucking sleep at night. The things I used to not even dare to ponder when Dad was around because I was so convinced that he would look into my eyes and read my thoughts. He's good at feeling a person out just by looking at them.
I hate them both sometimes. Both of them for being so goddamn stubborn that they really want to die when this is over. They are so selfish and it's all about their pain. They lost the woman they love and I'll never get it. Right. Because it's different for me. Yeah, I get that. But they wouldn't understand things from my perspective either. They don't know what it's like walking around with living corpses. What's it like to love two people so much that you would do anything for them, and you know the first chance they get they are going to take off and leave your ass.
They run when they get hurt. They shut themselves off from everyone and everything and throw themselves into work. Two sides of the coin, and I hate them for it because I'm like Mom. I care too much. I try and keep everyone together because I heard her when she said as a family we're stronger. I love them so much that I hate them for not caring like I do. For thinking that going out in a blaze of glory is more heroic than fighting to live. Fuck them. I hate them so much sometimes that I wonder what they would do if I just disappeared in the middle of the night without a word to either of them. If I took off to find this thing on my own and finish it off before either of their dumbasses can get killed doing it.
Then I wonder if they would even come after me or if they are so lost in their need to end this now that I wouldn't be a blip on the radar and that makes me hate them for. It sucks, you know, to smile and hide behind sarcasm because the chick flick moments don't work for Winchesters.
The biggest secret I have is something you wouldn't get me to admit to you under any amount of torture. It's the secret thoughts I keep in the back of my head and only even ponder when Sammy is getting his two hours of fucking sleep at night. The things I used to not even dare to ponder when Dad was around because I was so convinced that he would look into my eyes and read my thoughts. He's good at feeling a person out just by looking at them.
I hate them both sometimes. Both of them for being so goddamn stubborn that they really want to die when this is over. They are so selfish and it's all about their pain. They lost the woman they love and I'll never get it. Right. Because it's different for me. Yeah, I get that. But they wouldn't understand things from my perspective either. They don't know what it's like walking around with living corpses. What's it like to love two people so much that you would do anything for them, and you know the first chance they get they are going to take off and leave your ass.
They run when they get hurt. They shut themselves off from everyone and everything and throw themselves into work. Two sides of the coin, and I hate them for it because I'm like Mom. I care too much. I try and keep everyone together because I heard her when she said as a family we're stronger. I love them so much that I hate them for not caring like I do. For thinking that going out in a blaze of glory is more heroic than fighting to live. Fuck them. I hate them so much sometimes that I wonder what they would do if I just disappeared in the middle of the night without a word to either of them. If I took off to find this thing on my own and finish it off before either of their dumbasses can get killed doing it.
Then I wonder if they would even come after me or if they are so lost in their need to end this now that I wouldn't be a blip on the radar and that makes me hate them for. It sucks, you know, to smile and hide behind sarcasm because the chick flick moments don't work for Winchesters.