Worth It Chapter 12/14
Title: Worth It - Chapter 12
Author: deansdirtybb
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R
Words: 5209
Warnings: Wincest, talk of blood drinking, major angst
Disclaimer: I’m just borrowing these characters (if only these pretty, pretty boys were actually mine). I make no money here, my only profit is the joy and ruined panties of my readers.
Spoilers: Specifically Season 3, although some themes from Season 4 might slip in.
Summary: The latest part of my WIP. We’re following Season 3, with an AU twist of Sam using his powers before Dean’s deal is up to try to save him.
AN #1: I have borrowed dialogue from 3.15 “No Rest for the Wicked.” Of course I can never resist twisting Show’s words for my own amusement.
AN#2: To my adorable beta sammichgirl - so sorry for breaking your heart with this one, bb…and thank you for beta’ing through the pain. I owe you hugs and cookies for this one!
I am a total comment-whore and NEED the feedback. Please be kind enough to scratch my itch and let me know what you think, I promise to scratch back J
Masterpost
Worth It - Chapter 12
The three weeks they’d had disappeared in a flurry of research. They had the name and now they could find the spell to summon or locate her. The boys went straight to their best resource, Bobby, and holed up there. Sam hated having to hide the new aspect of their relationship when all he wanted to do was spend every second they had touching and kissing, but he couldn’t argue with Dean when he refused to show anything beyond brotherly affection in front of the man who had been like a father to them for most of their lives.
Sam took advantage of Dean’s distraction to use every possible opportunity to dial Ruby’s number again. She had failed to answer. Every. Single. Time. The shaking in his hands had worsened and he couldn’t seem to stop himself from snapping at Dean and Bobby. His skin felt tight and itchy; he just wanted to crawl out of it.
Dean had noticed the changes in Sam, and in true Dean Winchester fashion, he blamed himself, believing Sam was so upset about losing his older brother, soul mate and now lover that he wasn’t able to function. He let Sam think it went unseen, but quietly kept a watchful eye on his little brother.
* * * * *
As the weeks turned into days, and then hours, Sam went from twitchy to desperate. It wasn’t just the need for blood running under his skin; it was the need to be strong and ready enough to save Dean. He started looking for a way to summon Ruby since she either could not or would not answer her phone. Once he’d found it, he began pushing Dean to summon her. Dean predictably and stubbornly refused to call on the demon despite any reason Sam had, and Sam hadn’t been able to steal away enough time to do it alone.
Dean had taken to sleeping for no more than an hour or two at a time to avoid the increasingly disturbing and vivid nightmares. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Sam, Dean’s nightmares followed him into his waking mind as the hellhounds and his own black-eyed image turned into hallucinations that taunted him at all hours. The eldest Winchester was wearing thin, but he tried to hide it from Sammy.
They were in the room at Bobby’s house that they had shared since they were kids. Dean was sitting cross-legged on the bed, back against the wall, clutching a cup of coffee and leaning over a dusty worn volume, but his eyes had gone unfocused as his brain churned out another lucid vision. It was the same hellhounds that had been chasing him every night. But now he was awake, opening his eyes didn’t make it stop. Sam’s presence didn’t make it stop. In fact, Sam’s beautiful face twisted in front of his eyes and he only felt worse, terror intensified by lack of any kind of relief for even a moment. Dean knew he was losing it. Fast.
Sam came into the room so quietly Dean didn’t notice him. He watched Dean’s unfocused gaze and the tension in his muscles, the quickening of his breath. The very same things Sam had seen night after night when Dean was being dragged into one of his nightmares. Sam wondered how long Dean had been hiding this new development from him, but decided not to call him on it.
“Dig up anything good?” Sam asked Dean.
Dean looked up from the book he hadn’t been reading and shook his head, “No,” he croaked out. He cleared his throat, “Nothing good.”
“Well, Bobby has. Finally.”
“Yeah?” Dean asked hopefully.
“Yeah,” Sam said smiling, “A way to find Lilith.”
“Oh. With just uh,” Dean turned his bleary eyes to his watch, “Thirty hours to go.” Dean looked down, not able to have the positive reaction he knew Sam needed to see from him.
Sam sat down on the bed next to Dean. He closed the large book and took it from Dean’s lap, setting it down on the floor. “Hey, Dean,” Sam said, placing a large hand on the side of Dean’s neck, thumb stroking the strong, tense line of Dean’s jaw, “Look, we're cutting it close, I know. But we're gonna get this done.” Sam leaned in, resting his forehead against Dean’s, “I don't care what it takes, Dean. You're not gonna go to hell. I'm not gonna let you.” Dean’s eyes met Sam’s, fear and hope swirling in the emerald gaze. Sam turned his head and placed the gentlest kiss on his brother’s lips, “I swear,” Sam said earnestly, “Everything's gonna be okay.”
“Okay, Sammy,” and for just a second, Dean let himself believe that his brother held a secret tool that would keep him out of the pit. He pushed his hand into Sam’s hair and brought his brother’s mouth back down into a deeper kiss. Sam’s lips were sweet, and Dean was glad that no matter what was going on in their lives or even between them, he and Sam would always be the comfort for each other to get through the worst of anything.
Sam smiled into the kiss, and stood, drawing his brother up off the bed with him. “Come on, Dean. Let’s go see what Bobby’s got.” Dean nodded and let Sam pull him out the door and halfway down the hall before they let go of each other’s hands.
Bobby had a map open on the table and a wooden tripod dangling a pointed pendulum over the map. “So you need a name, that's the whole kit and caboodle. With the right name, right ritual, ain't nothing you can't suss out.”
“Like the town Lilith's in?” Sam asked.
“Kid, when I get done, we'll know the street.” Bobby started the pendulum swinging and began chanting in Latin. The boys watched as the pendulum swung over the map, and then stopped pointing at a town.
“New Harmony, Indiana,” Bobby said. Dean looked up from the map, frowning at Bobby who said, “And we have a winner.”
“Alright,” Sam said, knocking the pendulum from its place, “Let’s go.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Just holster it up there, Tex,” Dean said, putting his hand up.
“What's the problem?” Sam asked. He was getting irritated, and given his recent short fuse, it took a lot of energy to not light into Dean before even hearing him out.
“What's the problem?” Dean spat out, “Come on, where do I begin? I mean, first of all, we don't even know if Lilith holds my deal. We're going off of Bela's intel? Now when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked. Okay. Second, even if we could get to Lilith, we have no way to gank her. And third, isn't this the same Lilith that wants your giant head on a pike? Should I continue?” Dean’s voice rose slightly throughout his tirade. He was scared; he did not want to go to hell. But he could not risk Sammy getting hurt, and Dean would burn in Hell for eternity before he’d let Sam do something that would get himself killed.
“Ain't you just bringing down the room,” Bobby said testily.
“Yeah, well, it's a gift,” Dean shot back.
“I'm sorry, so then what are we supposed to do, Dean?” Sam asked. He was about 15 seconds from completely losing his cool and he balled his hands into tight fists to keep them from shaking.
“Just 'cause I gotta die doesn't mean you have to, okay. Either we go in smart or we don't go in at all.”
“Okay, fine,” Sam said, “If that's the case I have the answer.”
“You do?” Dean asked.
“Yeah. A sure-fire way to confirm it's Lilith and a way to get us a bona fide demon-killing ginsu.”
“Damn it, Sam, no.” Dean could barely wait for Sam to finish his sentence before he was arguing. They had been over this at least a dozen times and he was not going to let his little brother summon Ruby and end up even further entangled with that demon bitch. Especially if Dean was not going to be around to help him disentangle. Dean turned from Sam’s glare and took a few steps away.
“We're so past arguing,” Sam said with finality, “Dean, I am summoning Ruby.”
Dean spun back around to face his little brother, “The hell you are!” Dean shouted, “We have enough problems as it is.”
“Exactly,” replied Sam, voice tight as he stepped towards Dean, “And we've got no time and no choice either.”
“Come on man, she is the Miss Universe of lying skanks, okay,” Dean spat out, “She told you that she could save me, huh - lie. She seems to know everything about Lilith but forgot to mention, oh right - Lilith owns my soul!” Dean could just not believe that given all of Ruby’s lies, Sam still wanted to place the trust of saving Dean’s soul in her hands.
“Okay, fine,” Sam tried, “She's a liar. She's still got that knife.” Sam would try any argument he could to get Dean to agree to this. He needed to see Ruby.
“Dean,” Bobby said, trying to break in as the tension between the boys escalated along with the volume of their voices.
Dean ignored Bobby, “For all we know, she works for Lilith.”
“Then give me another option, Dean. I mean, tell me what else,” Sam said, ability to be patient and hold back long gone.
“Sam's right,” Bobby agreed.
“NO! DAMN IT!” This time Dean’s shout was so abrupt and heated it knocked both Sam and Bobby back. Bobby’s eyebrows shot up and the men all just stood staring at each other for a few moments.
Dean took a deep breath, calming himself before continuing, “Just no. We are not gonna make the same mistakes all over again.” This was met with wide eyes from the other two men. Sam could not believe that Dean was actually flat out refusing the one chance they had at saving his soul. Dean dropped his gaze for a second, he looked back up as he said, “You guys wanna save me, find something else.”
Dean walked across the room to sit down at a table behind a stack of books. Sam watched his brother move, emotions warring. He was irritated with his brother’s stubborn need to protect Sammy at all costs, he was angry with Ruby for disappearing when he needed her so badly, but most of all he was scared of losing Dean who had become so many things to him.
Sam heard the rustling of Bobby putting on his coat as he heaved a sigh. “Where are you going, Bobby?”
“I guess to...” Bobby threw up his arms, “find something else.”
Sam sighed as he heard the front door close behind Bobby on his way out. He made his way over to Dean. Sam stood silently next to his brother until Dean shut the book he had in his hands, and then he knelt down next to Dean, looking up into his face.
Dean’s anger melted as he stared into Sammy’s hazel eyes. He had never wanted Sam in this position; hurting his brother was always the last thing Dean wanted. He brought his hand up to Sam’s face and Sam turned to place a kiss into Dean’s palm.
“I’m sorry, baby boy,” Dean whispered.
“I know you are, Dean. I know you never meant to hurt me; that everything you do is to protect me. But, Dean,” Sam sighed, “losing you is going to hurt. Knowing you’re in hell, being tortured in ways I can’t-” Sam cut himself off, unable to even allow his mind to go there. He swallowed and blinked back tears before continuing. “Dean, if there’s anything, anything that even has the possibility of saving you, I have to try it. Can’t you understand that?” Sam’s brow creased as his eyes searched Dean’s.
Dean did understand that. He’d sold his own soul from that frame of mind; anything to save Sammy, anything to keep from having to find a way to live without his brother. “I get it, Sam. I do,” Dean paused, blowing out a breath as he looked down at the floor between them. “That’s exactly how we got here. I was willing to do anything to save you. And I did. And look where that got us.” Dean brought his watery green eyes back to meet Sam’s gaze.
“I can’t lose, you, Dean. I can’t,” Sam paused as his voice quivered, “I don’t even know how to be if you’re not right here next to me, De. I…I, I just…I can’t-” Dean cut Sam off with a kiss. It was all comfort and the only peace Dean had to offer him. Sam allowed Dean to pour all that he had into the kiss and accepted it greedily before gently pulling back. “Dean, we need that knife. I need it. I need to save you.”
Dean drew in a breath. He knew why Sam thought he needed the knife, but he didn’t trust Ruby, not one inch, and when Sam’s plan failed, Sam wouldn’t end up saving Dean, he’d only succeed in bringing himself down with his older brother. “I’m sorry, Sammy, but no. She is not the answer.”
“She’s the only answer we’ve got Dean.”
“I won’t help you damn yourself along with me, Sam,” Dean said warningly.
“And I won’t sit by and watch you die, Dean,” Sam said, that same Winchester set in his jaw.
Dean pushed his chair back and stood. He looked at Sam, mouth opening then closing when he thought better of saying anything more. Silently, Dean turned and left.
* * * * *
Sam knelt on the basement floor finishing the symbols for the spell to summon Ruby. If she wasn’t going to answer his calls, she wasn’t leaving him any choice. Sam needed her. He needed her blood and her help to finish his training. He began the Latin verse, then lit a match and dropped it into the bowl in the center of the symbols to finish the summoning spell.
Sam stood and looked around the room. “You know phones work too,” Ruby’s voice came from behind him. He turned toward her glaring. “Hey, Sam. How's tricks?”
Sam’s glare deepened, “Where the hell have you been?”
“Around.”
“I have been calling you for weeks, Ruby. Weeks,” Sam bit out between clenched jaws.
“So, I missed a couple calls, what’s the big deal?”
Sam’s hands clenched into fists at his sides, “What’s the big deal?!” he shouted. If he didn’t need her, she’d already have been dead. “You know what the big deal is. I need your help to save Dean. You got me started training and then,” he lowered his voice again as he spit out the next part, “and then you got me started with the blood. And with just weeks to go you disappear!”
“Look, I’m sorry, Sam. I had things to take care of. I can’t just be at your beck and call 24/7.” Ruby stopped and looked away then back at Sam, “I’m here now. So. You called?”
“Did you know?” Sam asked.
“Um - gonna need a tiny bit more,” Ruby replied, full of her usual attitude.
Sam rolled his eyes, “About Dean's deal. That Lilith holds the contract.”
“Yes, I did.”
“And… what? You didn't think that was important?” Sam asked, voice tight.
“You weren't ready,” Ruby said plainly.
“For what?”
“If I told you, you two yahoos would have just charged after her half-cocked and Lilith would have peeled the meat from your pretty, pretty faces.”
“Well, we're ready now,” Sam said, “I want your knife.” He took a step forward, “And I need your blood. We’re gonna finish training. Now.”
Ruby looked him up and down, and began walking a slow circle around him as she spoke, “You're right about one thing. You are ready. And now's the time, too. Lilith's guard's down.”
“Is that so?”
“She's on shore-leave. A little R&R.”
“The hell's that mean?” Sam asked.
“Trust me, you don't wanna know,” Ruby answered, still circling Sam, “You didn't lose those hex bags I gave you?”
“We've got 'em.”
“Good. Then she won't sense that you're coming,” Ruby said from behind Sam.
Sam turned around, “So you'll give us the knife?”
“No.”
“But you just said-”
“I know how to save your brother, Sam,” Ruby said cutting him off.
Sam knew he needed the demon to save his brother, but even with that motivation he was finding it hard to tolerate her games, “No, you don't! You told Dean you couldn't! You've been lying to me all along, so just give me what I need!”
“You're not the one I've been lying to.”
“Oh, so you can save him?”
“No,” she answered, “But you can. Lilith is scared of you.”
Sam huffed, “Right... she's scared of me.”
Ruby ignored the sarcasm, “If you wanted, you could wipe her off the map without moving a muscle.”
“I don't believe you,” Sam said, though part of him really hoped that was true.
“It's the truth.”
“And you decided to tell me this just now?”
“Um... demon. Manipulative's kinda in the job description. Fact is, is that you would have never considered it. Not until you were -”
“Desperate enough?” Sam quipped.
They looked at each other for a moment before Ruby shrugged and Sam looked away. “You don't like being different,” Ruby said, “You hate the way Dean looks at you sometimes. Like you're some kind of sideshow freak. But suck it up because we've got a lot of ground to cover, and we've gotta do it fast. But we can do it. We’ve already done all the general training for your powers; just let me show you how to direct them at a demon as powerful Lilith and we’ll take her down.”
Sam’s jaw clenched and he looked down at the floor. He was all too aware of how little time they had, and of how much time she had wasted by not answering his calls.
Ruby heaved a sigh, “Look. Call me a bitch, hate me all you want, but I have never lied to you, Sam. Not ever.” She paused and Sam looked back up at her, “And I'm telling you. You... can save your brother, and I can show you how.”
“So that's you, huh? Our slutty little Yoda.” Both Sam’s and Ruby’s heads turned at the sound of Dean’s voice.
“Dean,” Ruby said, unable to hide the contempt in her tone. “Charming as ever.”
Dean took a few steps toward the demon and his brother, “Aw, I knew you'd show up. Because I knew Sam wouldn't listen.” Sam looked up at Dean, then away just as quickly. He was irritated that Dean knew him that well, but more than that worried about how much of the conversation his brother had heard before making his entrance. “But you're not gonna teach him anything, you understand me?” Dean said, directing fury at Ruby, “Over my dead body.”
“Oh. Well, you're right about that,” she replied with a smirk.
“What you are gonna do is give me that knife. And then you can just go crawl back into whatever slop you came from and never bother me or my brother again. Are we clear?”
“Your brother is carrying a bomb inside of him and we'd be stupid not to use it.”
Sam was afraid of how much Ruby was about to reveal, “Dean, look, just hold on for one-”
“Sam!” Dean yelled angrily, “Don't. Come on man, what, are you blind? Can't you see that this is a trick?”
“That's not true,” Ruby broke in.
“She wants you to give into this whole demonic psychic whatever, okay. I mean hell, she probably wants you to become her little Anti-Christ Super Star.” Sam cringed at just how close to the truth Dean came with that statement. Ruby had wanted Sam to give in to his powers, and Sam had done so willingly, would do it all again if it meant he’d never have to know the pain of living without Dean.
“I want Lilith dead. That's all,” Ruby seethed from between clenched teeth.
“Why?” Dean asked.
“I've told you why!”
“Oh, right, yeah,” Dean mocked, “Because you were human once and you liked kittens and long walks on the beach.”
“You know, I am so sick of proving myself to you. You wanna save yourself, this is how. You dumb, spineless dick,” Ruby spat out.
Dean looked at her, and then began to turn silently to go. Sam knew what was coming, but had no time to warn Ruby or do anything to stop it before Dean spun back around, landing a solid punch to Ruby’s face. Ruby took a step back, swiping the blood from her lip before lighting into Dean with first her left then her right fist.
“Ruby, hey!” Sam yelled, trying to at least slow her down before she killed Dean. Ruby spun on Sam, hitting him in the back, and then kneeing him in the stomach. Sam flew back with the force of it. Without the blood or training for weeks he didn’t have the strength to stop her. He watched, bleeding on the floor as Ruby continued to beat his brother.
Sam looked on in horror as Ruby kicked Dean repeatedly, rolling him over and over again. Every time Dean tried to get up, he was met with another kick to the gut or side. When they’d crossed the room, Dean tried getting up one more time, and Ruby took hold of him, bringing him face to face before head butting him. Dean fell back on his ass again, but he only smiled as he slowly made it to his feet.
“The hell are you grinning at?” Ruby asked him.
“Missing something?” Dean replied, still grinning through bloody teeth. She frowned and Dean pulled her knife up and held it in front of his battered face. The glare she sent him could have melted steel.
“I'll kill you, you son of a bitch,” Ruby hissed. She lunged toward him, but was stopped in midair as if hitting a wall. Dean just smiled again, looking up at the ceiling over her head. Ruby followed his gaze to see the devil’s trap she’d missed earlier.
“Like I said...” Dean said, tucking the knife away, “I knew you'd come.” Dean walked away from the angry demon.
Ruby watched him walk, then when she saw he was headed for the stairs she shouted, “Wait! You're just gonna leave me here?”
Dean stopped; he wasn’t paying any attention to Ruby. He looked to his brother, “Let's go, Sam.”
Sam was torn, completely put on the spot. He finally had Ruby here in front of him, ready to finish the training he needed to save Dean, her veins pumping the very blood he needed for the strength to do it. But now Dean had her knife, the only legitimate excuse Sam had been able to give Dean to justify further contact with a demon. Dean had planned this out just to give Sam what he had asked for, and he couldn’t let Dean leave alone. There would be no way to explain without revealing the truth of his training with Ruby. He looked at Ruby, then the trap. She wouldn’t be able to leave. He quickly decided to leave with his brother, he’d be able to come and free Ruby later once Dean was distracted.
Sam followed Dean up the stairs as Ruby shouted from her invisible cage. “Oh, oh you - so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine! You deserve hell! I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM!!”
Dean managed to get in one last sarcastic quip as they climbed the stairs, “And I wish you'd shut your pie hole, but we don't always get what we want.”
The boys climbed the stairs in silence. In fact they kept going through the first floor of the house and up the stairs to the bedroom without saying a word. Dean walked through the door and Sam followed him, quietly closing the door behind them.
“We're just gonna let Ruby rot down there?” Sam asked, breaking the silence.
“That's the idea.”
“Dean, what if, uh...” Sam paused, treading cautiously, “What if Ruby's right? What if I can take out Lilith?” Dean looked up at Sam, face a mix of anger and doubt. “Quit looking at me like that.”
“What, are you gonna give her the Carrie-stare and Lilith goes "poof"?” Dean asked.
Sam had to walk a very narrow line in this, he couldn’t let Dean know the real reason he needed Ruby, but he wanted to convince his brother she could help them in some way. “I don't know what Ruby meant. You know…maybe we should just go ask her.”
“Sam, you wanted the knife - I got you the knife,” Dean said wearily. He turned away from Sam to shove things into his duffel bag.
Sam walked up behind Dean, putting one hand on his brother’s bicep and the other on his shoulder. “Dean, just listen to me for a second. Last time Lilith snapped her fingers and put thirty demons on our ass, and all we got's one little knife? I mean, like you said, we go in smart or we don't go in at all.”
“Well, this ain't smart,” Dean said, shaking himself free of Sam’s hold.
“We got one shot at this, Dean. Just one. So if there's a sure-fire way then maybe we should just talk about it.”
Dean turned to look at his brother and stepped toward him as he said, “Sam. We are not gonna make the same mistake all over again.”
“You said that but what does it even mean?” Sam asked.
Dean sat down on the edge of one of the beds. “Don't you see a pattern here? Dad's deal, my deal, now this? I mean every time one of us is - is - is up the creek the other is begging to sell their soul. That's all this is, man. Ruby's just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it's paved with and you know where it's going.” Dean looked down at his hands in his lap.
Sam crossed the room, “Dean,” he said gently as he sat down next to his brother, “What do you think is gonna happen? This is me, I can handle it.” Sam needed so desperately to convince Dean it would be ok if he worked with Ruby because he’d already crossed that line. If Dean couldn’t accept Sam’s new skill set, then Sam still faced losing him even if Dean didn’t end up in hell.
Dean took a shaky breath and looked at the wall away from Sam. Sam put a hand over his brother’s, “And if it'll save you...”
Dean sniffed, “Why even risk it?” he asked, looking into Sam’s eyes for the answer.
Sam ducked his head, before turning back to Dean with the answer they both already knew was coming, “Because you're my brother. Because you did the same thing for me.”
Dean huffed and shook his head, “I know... and look how that turned out.” Sam looked away again not able to argue with or acknowledge the truth in that statement.
Dean put a hand on Sam’s neck and Sam met his gaze again, “All I'm saying…” Dean stopped for a moment to steady his shaking voice and quell the tears building in his eyes, he stroked Sam’s cheek as he said, “Sammy, all I'm saying is that you're my weak spot.” Sam closed his eyes against the pain he felt with that admission, but looked back into watery emerald eyes as Dean continued, “You are, baby boy. And I'm yours.”
Sam choked back a sob, “You don't mean that. We're…” Sam searched for a word big enough to cover everything they were to each other, but could only come up with, “we're family.”
Dean’s hand moved around to the back of Sam’s neck as he leaned their foreheads together. “I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it too. I mean, what we'll do for each other, you know, how far we'll go? They're using it against us.”
“So what? We just stop looking out for each other?”
“No, we stop being martyrs, Sammy. We - we - we stop spreading it for these demons. We take Ruby’s knife, and we go after Lilith our way. The way Dad taught us to. And if we go down, then, uh... then we go down swinging.”
Sam pulled back and swiped a fist over his eyes. “No, Dean.” Sam broke into sobs, the weight of the last year finally crashing over him in a wave. They were so close to the end of their time to fight this, and now Sam could already feel that Dean had given up. He was talking about fighting, but Sam knew his brother, knew that Dean was just trying to get Sam through this without doing anything that could end in welching on his deal.
Sam stood from the bed, blind panic and crushing pain coming to a crescendo in his head, “I’m not gonna let you go to hell!” he yelled through his tears.
“Yes you are!” Dean yelled grabbing onto Sam’s shirt and shaking him once. Dean looked deep into Sam’s eyes and then said calmly, quietly, “Yes, you are.”
Sam just stood staring into his brother’s eyes, trying to remember how to breathe.
“I'm sorry,” Dean said, “I mean this is all my fault, I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you.”
Sam looked away again, tears running down his cheeks, “Then, what am I supposed to do?” he asked, hating that it sounded like he was 10 years old again, asking his big brother for the answers Dean always seemed to have.
Dean took a step closer bringing their bodies into contact. He brought his hands up and gently wiped the tears from Sam’s face, and then he cupped his little brother’s face and kissed each tear-stained cheek. “Keep fighting,” he whispered, “Take care of my wheels.” Dean forced a tiny smile, “Sam, remember what Dad taught you... okay?” Sam nodded, feeling a fresh set of tears stinging at his eyes. “And remember what I taught you.”
The tears spilled down his cheeks again, and Dean leaned in to kiss them away. “I love you, Sammy. Always have. I need to know you are gonna keep fighting, you’re gonna have a life after-”
Sam cut Dean off with a kiss full of all the intensity he felt. He knew what the rest of the sentence was going to be and he just absolutely could not bear to hear those words coming from the beautiful mouth of the person he loved more than he would ever find a way to express.
Chapter 13
Author: deansdirtybb
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R
Words: 5209
Warnings: Wincest, talk of blood drinking, major angst
Disclaimer: I’m just borrowing these characters (if only these pretty, pretty boys were actually mine). I make no money here, my only profit is the joy and ruined panties of my readers.
Spoilers: Specifically Season 3, although some themes from Season 4 might slip in.
Summary: The latest part of my WIP. We’re following Season 3, with an AU twist of Sam using his powers before Dean’s deal is up to try to save him.
AN #1: I have borrowed dialogue from 3.15 “No Rest for the Wicked.” Of course I can never resist twisting Show’s words for my own amusement.
AN#2: To my adorable beta sammichgirl - so sorry for breaking your heart with this one, bb…and thank you for beta’ing through the pain. I owe you hugs and cookies for this one!
I am a total comment-whore and NEED the feedback. Please be kind enough to scratch my itch and let me know what you think, I promise to scratch back J
Masterpost
Worth It - Chapter 12
The three weeks they’d had disappeared in a flurry of research. They had the name and now they could find the spell to summon or locate her. The boys went straight to their best resource, Bobby, and holed up there. Sam hated having to hide the new aspect of their relationship when all he wanted to do was spend every second they had touching and kissing, but he couldn’t argue with Dean when he refused to show anything beyond brotherly affection in front of the man who had been like a father to them for most of their lives.
Sam took advantage of Dean’s distraction to use every possible opportunity to dial Ruby’s number again. She had failed to answer. Every. Single. Time. The shaking in his hands had worsened and he couldn’t seem to stop himself from snapping at Dean and Bobby. His skin felt tight and itchy; he just wanted to crawl out of it.
Dean had noticed the changes in Sam, and in true Dean Winchester fashion, he blamed himself, believing Sam was so upset about losing his older brother, soul mate and now lover that he wasn’t able to function. He let Sam think it went unseen, but quietly kept a watchful eye on his little brother.
* * * * *
As the weeks turned into days, and then hours, Sam went from twitchy to desperate. It wasn’t just the need for blood running under his skin; it was the need to be strong and ready enough to save Dean. He started looking for a way to summon Ruby since she either could not or would not answer her phone. Once he’d found it, he began pushing Dean to summon her. Dean predictably and stubbornly refused to call on the demon despite any reason Sam had, and Sam hadn’t been able to steal away enough time to do it alone.
Dean had taken to sleeping for no more than an hour or two at a time to avoid the increasingly disturbing and vivid nightmares. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Sam, Dean’s nightmares followed him into his waking mind as the hellhounds and his own black-eyed image turned into hallucinations that taunted him at all hours. The eldest Winchester was wearing thin, but he tried to hide it from Sammy.
They were in the room at Bobby’s house that they had shared since they were kids. Dean was sitting cross-legged on the bed, back against the wall, clutching a cup of coffee and leaning over a dusty worn volume, but his eyes had gone unfocused as his brain churned out another lucid vision. It was the same hellhounds that had been chasing him every night. But now he was awake, opening his eyes didn’t make it stop. Sam’s presence didn’t make it stop. In fact, Sam’s beautiful face twisted in front of his eyes and he only felt worse, terror intensified by lack of any kind of relief for even a moment. Dean knew he was losing it. Fast.
Sam came into the room so quietly Dean didn’t notice him. He watched Dean’s unfocused gaze and the tension in his muscles, the quickening of his breath. The very same things Sam had seen night after night when Dean was being dragged into one of his nightmares. Sam wondered how long Dean had been hiding this new development from him, but decided not to call him on it.
“Dig up anything good?” Sam asked Dean.
Dean looked up from the book he hadn’t been reading and shook his head, “No,” he croaked out. He cleared his throat, “Nothing good.”
“Well, Bobby has. Finally.”
“Yeah?” Dean asked hopefully.
“Yeah,” Sam said smiling, “A way to find Lilith.”
“Oh. With just uh,” Dean turned his bleary eyes to his watch, “Thirty hours to go.” Dean looked down, not able to have the positive reaction he knew Sam needed to see from him.
Sam sat down on the bed next to Dean. He closed the large book and took it from Dean’s lap, setting it down on the floor. “Hey, Dean,” Sam said, placing a large hand on the side of Dean’s neck, thumb stroking the strong, tense line of Dean’s jaw, “Look, we're cutting it close, I know. But we're gonna get this done.” Sam leaned in, resting his forehead against Dean’s, “I don't care what it takes, Dean. You're not gonna go to hell. I'm not gonna let you.” Dean’s eyes met Sam’s, fear and hope swirling in the emerald gaze. Sam turned his head and placed the gentlest kiss on his brother’s lips, “I swear,” Sam said earnestly, “Everything's gonna be okay.”
“Okay, Sammy,” and for just a second, Dean let himself believe that his brother held a secret tool that would keep him out of the pit. He pushed his hand into Sam’s hair and brought his brother’s mouth back down into a deeper kiss. Sam’s lips were sweet, and Dean was glad that no matter what was going on in their lives or even between them, he and Sam would always be the comfort for each other to get through the worst of anything.
Sam smiled into the kiss, and stood, drawing his brother up off the bed with him. “Come on, Dean. Let’s go see what Bobby’s got.” Dean nodded and let Sam pull him out the door and halfway down the hall before they let go of each other’s hands.
Bobby had a map open on the table and a wooden tripod dangling a pointed pendulum over the map. “So you need a name, that's the whole kit and caboodle. With the right name, right ritual, ain't nothing you can't suss out.”
“Like the town Lilith's in?” Sam asked.
“Kid, when I get done, we'll know the street.” Bobby started the pendulum swinging and began chanting in Latin. The boys watched as the pendulum swung over the map, and then stopped pointing at a town.
“New Harmony, Indiana,” Bobby said. Dean looked up from the map, frowning at Bobby who said, “And we have a winner.”
“Alright,” Sam said, knocking the pendulum from its place, “Let’s go.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Just holster it up there, Tex,” Dean said, putting his hand up.
“What's the problem?” Sam asked. He was getting irritated, and given his recent short fuse, it took a lot of energy to not light into Dean before even hearing him out.
“What's the problem?” Dean spat out, “Come on, where do I begin? I mean, first of all, we don't even know if Lilith holds my deal. We're going off of Bela's intel? Now when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked. Okay. Second, even if we could get to Lilith, we have no way to gank her. And third, isn't this the same Lilith that wants your giant head on a pike? Should I continue?” Dean’s voice rose slightly throughout his tirade. He was scared; he did not want to go to hell. But he could not risk Sammy getting hurt, and Dean would burn in Hell for eternity before he’d let Sam do something that would get himself killed.
“Ain't you just bringing down the room,” Bobby said testily.
“Yeah, well, it's a gift,” Dean shot back.
“I'm sorry, so then what are we supposed to do, Dean?” Sam asked. He was about 15 seconds from completely losing his cool and he balled his hands into tight fists to keep them from shaking.
“Just 'cause I gotta die doesn't mean you have to, okay. Either we go in smart or we don't go in at all.”
“Okay, fine,” Sam said, “If that's the case I have the answer.”
“You do?” Dean asked.
“Yeah. A sure-fire way to confirm it's Lilith and a way to get us a bona fide demon-killing ginsu.”
“Damn it, Sam, no.” Dean could barely wait for Sam to finish his sentence before he was arguing. They had been over this at least a dozen times and he was not going to let his little brother summon Ruby and end up even further entangled with that demon bitch. Especially if Dean was not going to be around to help him disentangle. Dean turned from Sam’s glare and took a few steps away.
“We're so past arguing,” Sam said with finality, “Dean, I am summoning Ruby.”
Dean spun back around to face his little brother, “The hell you are!” Dean shouted, “We have enough problems as it is.”
“Exactly,” replied Sam, voice tight as he stepped towards Dean, “And we've got no time and no choice either.”
“Come on man, she is the Miss Universe of lying skanks, okay,” Dean spat out, “She told you that she could save me, huh - lie. She seems to know everything about Lilith but forgot to mention, oh right - Lilith owns my soul!” Dean could just not believe that given all of Ruby’s lies, Sam still wanted to place the trust of saving Dean’s soul in her hands.
“Okay, fine,” Sam tried, “She's a liar. She's still got that knife.” Sam would try any argument he could to get Dean to agree to this. He needed to see Ruby.
“Dean,” Bobby said, trying to break in as the tension between the boys escalated along with the volume of their voices.
Dean ignored Bobby, “For all we know, she works for Lilith.”
“Then give me another option, Dean. I mean, tell me what else,” Sam said, ability to be patient and hold back long gone.
“Sam's right,” Bobby agreed.
“NO! DAMN IT!” This time Dean’s shout was so abrupt and heated it knocked both Sam and Bobby back. Bobby’s eyebrows shot up and the men all just stood staring at each other for a few moments.
Dean took a deep breath, calming himself before continuing, “Just no. We are not gonna make the same mistakes all over again.” This was met with wide eyes from the other two men. Sam could not believe that Dean was actually flat out refusing the one chance they had at saving his soul. Dean dropped his gaze for a second, he looked back up as he said, “You guys wanna save me, find something else.”
Dean walked across the room to sit down at a table behind a stack of books. Sam watched his brother move, emotions warring. He was irritated with his brother’s stubborn need to protect Sammy at all costs, he was angry with Ruby for disappearing when he needed her so badly, but most of all he was scared of losing Dean who had become so many things to him.
Sam heard the rustling of Bobby putting on his coat as he heaved a sigh. “Where are you going, Bobby?”
“I guess to...” Bobby threw up his arms, “find something else.”
Sam sighed as he heard the front door close behind Bobby on his way out. He made his way over to Dean. Sam stood silently next to his brother until Dean shut the book he had in his hands, and then he knelt down next to Dean, looking up into his face.
Dean’s anger melted as he stared into Sammy’s hazel eyes. He had never wanted Sam in this position; hurting his brother was always the last thing Dean wanted. He brought his hand up to Sam’s face and Sam turned to place a kiss into Dean’s palm.
“I’m sorry, baby boy,” Dean whispered.
“I know you are, Dean. I know you never meant to hurt me; that everything you do is to protect me. But, Dean,” Sam sighed, “losing you is going to hurt. Knowing you’re in hell, being tortured in ways I can’t-” Sam cut himself off, unable to even allow his mind to go there. He swallowed and blinked back tears before continuing. “Dean, if there’s anything, anything that even has the possibility of saving you, I have to try it. Can’t you understand that?” Sam’s brow creased as his eyes searched Dean’s.
Dean did understand that. He’d sold his own soul from that frame of mind; anything to save Sammy, anything to keep from having to find a way to live without his brother. “I get it, Sam. I do,” Dean paused, blowing out a breath as he looked down at the floor between them. “That’s exactly how we got here. I was willing to do anything to save you. And I did. And look where that got us.” Dean brought his watery green eyes back to meet Sam’s gaze.
“I can’t lose, you, Dean. I can’t,” Sam paused as his voice quivered, “I don’t even know how to be if you’re not right here next to me, De. I…I, I just…I can’t-” Dean cut Sam off with a kiss. It was all comfort and the only peace Dean had to offer him. Sam allowed Dean to pour all that he had into the kiss and accepted it greedily before gently pulling back. “Dean, we need that knife. I need it. I need to save you.”
Dean drew in a breath. He knew why Sam thought he needed the knife, but he didn’t trust Ruby, not one inch, and when Sam’s plan failed, Sam wouldn’t end up saving Dean, he’d only succeed in bringing himself down with his older brother. “I’m sorry, Sammy, but no. She is not the answer.”
“She’s the only answer we’ve got Dean.”
“I won’t help you damn yourself along with me, Sam,” Dean said warningly.
“And I won’t sit by and watch you die, Dean,” Sam said, that same Winchester set in his jaw.
Dean pushed his chair back and stood. He looked at Sam, mouth opening then closing when he thought better of saying anything more. Silently, Dean turned and left.
* * * * *
Sam knelt on the basement floor finishing the symbols for the spell to summon Ruby. If she wasn’t going to answer his calls, she wasn’t leaving him any choice. Sam needed her. He needed her blood and her help to finish his training. He began the Latin verse, then lit a match and dropped it into the bowl in the center of the symbols to finish the summoning spell.
Sam stood and looked around the room. “You know phones work too,” Ruby’s voice came from behind him. He turned toward her glaring. “Hey, Sam. How's tricks?”
Sam’s glare deepened, “Where the hell have you been?”
“Around.”
“I have been calling you for weeks, Ruby. Weeks,” Sam bit out between clenched jaws.
“So, I missed a couple calls, what’s the big deal?”
Sam’s hands clenched into fists at his sides, “What’s the big deal?!” he shouted. If he didn’t need her, she’d already have been dead. “You know what the big deal is. I need your help to save Dean. You got me started training and then,” he lowered his voice again as he spit out the next part, “and then you got me started with the blood. And with just weeks to go you disappear!”
“Look, I’m sorry, Sam. I had things to take care of. I can’t just be at your beck and call 24/7.” Ruby stopped and looked away then back at Sam, “I’m here now. So. You called?”
“Did you know?” Sam asked.
“Um - gonna need a tiny bit more,” Ruby replied, full of her usual attitude.
Sam rolled his eyes, “About Dean's deal. That Lilith holds the contract.”
“Yes, I did.”
“And… what? You didn't think that was important?” Sam asked, voice tight.
“You weren't ready,” Ruby said plainly.
“For what?”
“If I told you, you two yahoos would have just charged after her half-cocked and Lilith would have peeled the meat from your pretty, pretty faces.”
“Well, we're ready now,” Sam said, “I want your knife.” He took a step forward, “And I need your blood. We’re gonna finish training. Now.”
Ruby looked him up and down, and began walking a slow circle around him as she spoke, “You're right about one thing. You are ready. And now's the time, too. Lilith's guard's down.”
“Is that so?”
“She's on shore-leave. A little R&R.”
“The hell's that mean?” Sam asked.
“Trust me, you don't wanna know,” Ruby answered, still circling Sam, “You didn't lose those hex bags I gave you?”
“We've got 'em.”
“Good. Then she won't sense that you're coming,” Ruby said from behind Sam.
Sam turned around, “So you'll give us the knife?”
“No.”
“But you just said-”
“I know how to save your brother, Sam,” Ruby said cutting him off.
Sam knew he needed the demon to save his brother, but even with that motivation he was finding it hard to tolerate her games, “No, you don't! You told Dean you couldn't! You've been lying to me all along, so just give me what I need!”
“You're not the one I've been lying to.”
“Oh, so you can save him?”
“No,” she answered, “But you can. Lilith is scared of you.”
Sam huffed, “Right... she's scared of me.”
Ruby ignored the sarcasm, “If you wanted, you could wipe her off the map without moving a muscle.”
“I don't believe you,” Sam said, though part of him really hoped that was true.
“It's the truth.”
“And you decided to tell me this just now?”
“Um... demon. Manipulative's kinda in the job description. Fact is, is that you would have never considered it. Not until you were -”
“Desperate enough?” Sam quipped.
They looked at each other for a moment before Ruby shrugged and Sam looked away. “You don't like being different,” Ruby said, “You hate the way Dean looks at you sometimes. Like you're some kind of sideshow freak. But suck it up because we've got a lot of ground to cover, and we've gotta do it fast. But we can do it. We’ve already done all the general training for your powers; just let me show you how to direct them at a demon as powerful Lilith and we’ll take her down.”
Sam’s jaw clenched and he looked down at the floor. He was all too aware of how little time they had, and of how much time she had wasted by not answering his calls.
Ruby heaved a sigh, “Look. Call me a bitch, hate me all you want, but I have never lied to you, Sam. Not ever.” She paused and Sam looked back up at her, “And I'm telling you. You... can save your brother, and I can show you how.”
“So that's you, huh? Our slutty little Yoda.” Both Sam’s and Ruby’s heads turned at the sound of Dean’s voice.
“Dean,” Ruby said, unable to hide the contempt in her tone. “Charming as ever.”
Dean took a few steps toward the demon and his brother, “Aw, I knew you'd show up. Because I knew Sam wouldn't listen.” Sam looked up at Dean, then away just as quickly. He was irritated that Dean knew him that well, but more than that worried about how much of the conversation his brother had heard before making his entrance. “But you're not gonna teach him anything, you understand me?” Dean said, directing fury at Ruby, “Over my dead body.”
“Oh. Well, you're right about that,” she replied with a smirk.
“What you are gonna do is give me that knife. And then you can just go crawl back into whatever slop you came from and never bother me or my brother again. Are we clear?”
“Your brother is carrying a bomb inside of him and we'd be stupid not to use it.”
Sam was afraid of how much Ruby was about to reveal, “Dean, look, just hold on for one-”
“Sam!” Dean yelled angrily, “Don't. Come on man, what, are you blind? Can't you see that this is a trick?”
“That's not true,” Ruby broke in.
“She wants you to give into this whole demonic psychic whatever, okay. I mean hell, she probably wants you to become her little Anti-Christ Super Star.” Sam cringed at just how close to the truth Dean came with that statement. Ruby had wanted Sam to give in to his powers, and Sam had done so willingly, would do it all again if it meant he’d never have to know the pain of living without Dean.
“I want Lilith dead. That's all,” Ruby seethed from between clenched teeth.
“Why?” Dean asked.
“I've told you why!”
“Oh, right, yeah,” Dean mocked, “Because you were human once and you liked kittens and long walks on the beach.”
“You know, I am so sick of proving myself to you. You wanna save yourself, this is how. You dumb, spineless dick,” Ruby spat out.
Dean looked at her, and then began to turn silently to go. Sam knew what was coming, but had no time to warn Ruby or do anything to stop it before Dean spun back around, landing a solid punch to Ruby’s face. Ruby took a step back, swiping the blood from her lip before lighting into Dean with first her left then her right fist.
“Ruby, hey!” Sam yelled, trying to at least slow her down before she killed Dean. Ruby spun on Sam, hitting him in the back, and then kneeing him in the stomach. Sam flew back with the force of it. Without the blood or training for weeks he didn’t have the strength to stop her. He watched, bleeding on the floor as Ruby continued to beat his brother.
Sam looked on in horror as Ruby kicked Dean repeatedly, rolling him over and over again. Every time Dean tried to get up, he was met with another kick to the gut or side. When they’d crossed the room, Dean tried getting up one more time, and Ruby took hold of him, bringing him face to face before head butting him. Dean fell back on his ass again, but he only smiled as he slowly made it to his feet.
“The hell are you grinning at?” Ruby asked him.
“Missing something?” Dean replied, still grinning through bloody teeth. She frowned and Dean pulled her knife up and held it in front of his battered face. The glare she sent him could have melted steel.
“I'll kill you, you son of a bitch,” Ruby hissed. She lunged toward him, but was stopped in midair as if hitting a wall. Dean just smiled again, looking up at the ceiling over her head. Ruby followed his gaze to see the devil’s trap she’d missed earlier.
“Like I said...” Dean said, tucking the knife away, “I knew you'd come.” Dean walked away from the angry demon.
Ruby watched him walk, then when she saw he was headed for the stairs she shouted, “Wait! You're just gonna leave me here?”
Dean stopped; he wasn’t paying any attention to Ruby. He looked to his brother, “Let's go, Sam.”
Sam was torn, completely put on the spot. He finally had Ruby here in front of him, ready to finish the training he needed to save Dean, her veins pumping the very blood he needed for the strength to do it. But now Dean had her knife, the only legitimate excuse Sam had been able to give Dean to justify further contact with a demon. Dean had planned this out just to give Sam what he had asked for, and he couldn’t let Dean leave alone. There would be no way to explain without revealing the truth of his training with Ruby. He looked at Ruby, then the trap. She wouldn’t be able to leave. He quickly decided to leave with his brother, he’d be able to come and free Ruby later once Dean was distracted.
Sam followed Dean up the stairs as Ruby shouted from her invisible cage. “Oh, oh you - so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine! You deserve hell! I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM!!”
Dean managed to get in one last sarcastic quip as they climbed the stairs, “And I wish you'd shut your pie hole, but we don't always get what we want.”
The boys climbed the stairs in silence. In fact they kept going through the first floor of the house and up the stairs to the bedroom without saying a word. Dean walked through the door and Sam followed him, quietly closing the door behind them.
“We're just gonna let Ruby rot down there?” Sam asked, breaking the silence.
“That's the idea.”
“Dean, what if, uh...” Sam paused, treading cautiously, “What if Ruby's right? What if I can take out Lilith?” Dean looked up at Sam, face a mix of anger and doubt. “Quit looking at me like that.”
“What, are you gonna give her the Carrie-stare and Lilith goes "poof"?” Dean asked.
Sam had to walk a very narrow line in this, he couldn’t let Dean know the real reason he needed Ruby, but he wanted to convince his brother she could help them in some way. “I don't know what Ruby meant. You know…maybe we should just go ask her.”
“Sam, you wanted the knife - I got you the knife,” Dean said wearily. He turned away from Sam to shove things into his duffel bag.
Sam walked up behind Dean, putting one hand on his brother’s bicep and the other on his shoulder. “Dean, just listen to me for a second. Last time Lilith snapped her fingers and put thirty demons on our ass, and all we got's one little knife? I mean, like you said, we go in smart or we don't go in at all.”
“Well, this ain't smart,” Dean said, shaking himself free of Sam’s hold.
“We got one shot at this, Dean. Just one. So if there's a sure-fire way then maybe we should just talk about it.”
Dean turned to look at his brother and stepped toward him as he said, “Sam. We are not gonna make the same mistake all over again.”
“You said that but what does it even mean?” Sam asked.
Dean sat down on the edge of one of the beds. “Don't you see a pattern here? Dad's deal, my deal, now this? I mean every time one of us is - is - is up the creek the other is begging to sell their soul. That's all this is, man. Ruby's just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it's paved with and you know where it's going.” Dean looked down at his hands in his lap.
Sam crossed the room, “Dean,” he said gently as he sat down next to his brother, “What do you think is gonna happen? This is me, I can handle it.” Sam needed so desperately to convince Dean it would be ok if he worked with Ruby because he’d already crossed that line. If Dean couldn’t accept Sam’s new skill set, then Sam still faced losing him even if Dean didn’t end up in hell.
Dean took a shaky breath and looked at the wall away from Sam. Sam put a hand over his brother’s, “And if it'll save you...”
Dean sniffed, “Why even risk it?” he asked, looking into Sam’s eyes for the answer.
Sam ducked his head, before turning back to Dean with the answer they both already knew was coming, “Because you're my brother. Because you did the same thing for me.”
Dean huffed and shook his head, “I know... and look how that turned out.” Sam looked away again not able to argue with or acknowledge the truth in that statement.
Dean put a hand on Sam’s neck and Sam met his gaze again, “All I'm saying…” Dean stopped for a moment to steady his shaking voice and quell the tears building in his eyes, he stroked Sam’s cheek as he said, “Sammy, all I'm saying is that you're my weak spot.” Sam closed his eyes against the pain he felt with that admission, but looked back into watery emerald eyes as Dean continued, “You are, baby boy. And I'm yours.”
Sam choked back a sob, “You don't mean that. We're…” Sam searched for a word big enough to cover everything they were to each other, but could only come up with, “we're family.”
Dean’s hand moved around to the back of Sam’s neck as he leaned their foreheads together. “I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it too. I mean, what we'll do for each other, you know, how far we'll go? They're using it against us.”
“So what? We just stop looking out for each other?”
“No, we stop being martyrs, Sammy. We - we - we stop spreading it for these demons. We take Ruby’s knife, and we go after Lilith our way. The way Dad taught us to. And if we go down, then, uh... then we go down swinging.”
Sam pulled back and swiped a fist over his eyes. “No, Dean.” Sam broke into sobs, the weight of the last year finally crashing over him in a wave. They were so close to the end of their time to fight this, and now Sam could already feel that Dean had given up. He was talking about fighting, but Sam knew his brother, knew that Dean was just trying to get Sam through this without doing anything that could end in welching on his deal.
Sam stood from the bed, blind panic and crushing pain coming to a crescendo in his head, “I’m not gonna let you go to hell!” he yelled through his tears.
“Yes you are!” Dean yelled grabbing onto Sam’s shirt and shaking him once. Dean looked deep into Sam’s eyes and then said calmly, quietly, “Yes, you are.”
Sam just stood staring into his brother’s eyes, trying to remember how to breathe.
“I'm sorry,” Dean said, “I mean this is all my fault, I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you.”
Sam looked away again, tears running down his cheeks, “Then, what am I supposed to do?” he asked, hating that it sounded like he was 10 years old again, asking his big brother for the answers Dean always seemed to have.
Dean took a step closer bringing their bodies into contact. He brought his hands up and gently wiped the tears from Sam’s face, and then he cupped his little brother’s face and kissed each tear-stained cheek. “Keep fighting,” he whispered, “Take care of my wheels.” Dean forced a tiny smile, “Sam, remember what Dad taught you... okay?” Sam nodded, feeling a fresh set of tears stinging at his eyes. “And remember what I taught you.”
The tears spilled down his cheeks again, and Dean leaned in to kiss them away. “I love you, Sammy. Always have. I need to know you are gonna keep fighting, you’re gonna have a life after-”
Sam cut Dean off with a kiss full of all the intensity he felt. He knew what the rest of the sentence was going to be and he just absolutely could not bear to hear those words coming from the beautiful mouth of the person he loved more than he would ever find a way to express.
Chapter 13