(no subject)
So I've no idea what I'm going to do.
I lost my job. It looks like I'm eligible for unemployment, so at least I should survive, although I'll be broke for a bit. I've no doubt I'll be back in the workforce sooner than I wish most like. Too employable lol. The corporate slave trading game. bleh.
I'm depressed. Been depressed for a bit truly. Have made a couple lethargic attempts to pick myself back up, but have never been able to quite get completely unburied from all the shit that's fallen apart in my life while I wallow in this...just little dents here and there. I've been on antidepressants...and I think it helps a bit, I'm not as physically/chemically depressed as I might be otherwise. I think this is more of the mind than anything. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do next soon, find some meaning and direction again. Done it before I suppose.
I've considered finding a job in a different place. Portland job market is bad anyway...so it might be a good choice. I've been here for 3 years now. I LOVE Portland, but I feel very alone. I'm often alone so I'm somewhat used to it, even think that in many ways that is just my nature. I've a couple friends here, people that I knew before moving here for the most part. Strange isn't it that with my outside~work interests (music/promotion being a very social kind of thing in some regards) I've not come across more people with similar interests? I wonder if it's just me. I mean I was never closed to meeting people, and even have met a few cool people that have passed through my life and not stayed, but maybe I didn't try hard enough? I try to tell myself that I don't care, I mean honestly I struggle to keep in contact with the friends I have at times like this, what in the world is my problem? Is it that I've felt slighted and rejected by some people I wish would have accepted me? Am I as fragile as that? Yes, I'm fragile...bleh...don't know...
For someone that functions on inspiration, this is so hard to just do more than the minimum needed to scrape by because I've just not been inspired for a while I guess. The label/company was a great inspiration, and I feel the idea still has a lot of potential, but it's at a standstill. I feel like that must be my fault too. I mean there are several reasons I could list that made themselves obstacles, but I think that I maybe could have overcome them if I would have tried harder. If I end up moving, the company might not be salvagable. I've considered that. I could just take it apart and maybe re-build it in whatever new region I'm in if I end up outside of the northwest. I could find someone to take it over. (highly unlikely) So in a way I guess I'm waiting to figure out what I end up doing with the job situation before I do much more with it. Need to find more material and funding as well if I'm going to continue, but I've just been on this hiatus, in limbo. I suppose that is allowed, it is my thing for the most part, I've rid myself of obligations and timelines which is a big relief.
I've no special someone in my life, and I often think these days that I'll NOT find someone. So many things about me that are not 'ideal'. People like to love me from a distance I think, and sometimes that is easier I suppose. I don't think I'm very easy to love. I think I am very worthy of love, and have many lovable qualities, but I've many flaws as well I suppose. The flaws are hard for people to swallow I think when they've been presented with some package that looks not so flawed from a distance. I've been rejected too many times to count and it's broken my heart over and over again.
So close to tears so often these days. Doin' my best. I keep saying...I'm fine, truly fine. I am still amazed at the beauty of life, I still know how to be happy, I can still smile and laugh. This is so hard to understand. It makes me feel that my lethargy is more laziness related than depression related. So back in the catch 22 cycle to where I blame myself. Is it depression? Is it me? Probably a mixture of both.
I've difficulty eating as much as I should. Ridiculous isn't it? Sometimes it is just too much effort for someone who is in this kind of state to go through the motions of making something (especially when the kitchen must be unburied first) or even going out to pick something up when I've not cared enough to even get in the shower for days and would rather no one saw me! lol
I need to be on top of things before it falls apart. I just realized my car insurance was due 3 days ago and I just forgot because I've not been working so the dates don't have as much meaning. I hope I don't get cancelled. I will have to call and make a phone payment tomorrow and hope for the best. Bills/finances, another hard thing to do. I've piles of papers and receipts that need filed and organized and recycled or shredded/recycled, etc...junk mail, omg...too much to fathom, it just keeps coming lol!
What is the point here. Just an honest update from deanna. Life is very precarious right now. I can do this...I've gotten myself unburied before. Much love to my friends/family, I'll keep ya'll updated. Will hopefully have some news of positive progress soon for ya. I'm fine...truly! lol <3
I lost my job. It looks like I'm eligible for unemployment, so at least I should survive, although I'll be broke for a bit. I've no doubt I'll be back in the workforce sooner than I wish most like. Too employable lol. The corporate slave trading game. bleh.
I'm depressed. Been depressed for a bit truly. Have made a couple lethargic attempts to pick myself back up, but have never been able to quite get completely unburied from all the shit that's fallen apart in my life while I wallow in this...just little dents here and there. I've been on antidepressants...and I think it helps a bit, I'm not as physically/chemically depressed as I might be otherwise. I think this is more of the mind than anything. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do next soon, find some meaning and direction again. Done it before I suppose.
I've considered finding a job in a different place. Portland job market is bad anyway...so it might be a good choice. I've been here for 3 years now. I LOVE Portland, but I feel very alone. I'm often alone so I'm somewhat used to it, even think that in many ways that is just my nature. I've a couple friends here, people that I knew before moving here for the most part. Strange isn't it that with my outside~work interests (music/promotion being a very social kind of thing in some regards) I've not come across more people with similar interests? I wonder if it's just me. I mean I was never closed to meeting people, and even have met a few cool people that have passed through my life and not stayed, but maybe I didn't try hard enough? I try to tell myself that I don't care, I mean honestly I struggle to keep in contact with the friends I have at times like this, what in the world is my problem? Is it that I've felt slighted and rejected by some people I wish would have accepted me? Am I as fragile as that? Yes, I'm fragile...bleh...don't know...
For someone that functions on inspiration, this is so hard to just do more than the minimum needed to scrape by because I've just not been inspired for a while I guess. The label/company was a great inspiration, and I feel the idea still has a lot of potential, but it's at a standstill. I feel like that must be my fault too. I mean there are several reasons I could list that made themselves obstacles, but I think that I maybe could have overcome them if I would have tried harder. If I end up moving, the company might not be salvagable. I've considered that. I could just take it apart and maybe re-build it in whatever new region I'm in if I end up outside of the northwest. I could find someone to take it over. (highly unlikely) So in a way I guess I'm waiting to figure out what I end up doing with the job situation before I do much more with it. Need to find more material and funding as well if I'm going to continue, but I've just been on this hiatus, in limbo. I suppose that is allowed, it is my thing for the most part, I've rid myself of obligations and timelines which is a big relief.
I've no special someone in my life, and I often think these days that I'll NOT find someone. So many things about me that are not 'ideal'. People like to love me from a distance I think, and sometimes that is easier I suppose. I don't think I'm very easy to love. I think I am very worthy of love, and have many lovable qualities, but I've many flaws as well I suppose. The flaws are hard for people to swallow I think when they've been presented with some package that looks not so flawed from a distance. I've been rejected too many times to count and it's broken my heart over and over again.
So close to tears so often these days. Doin' my best. I keep saying...I'm fine, truly fine. I am still amazed at the beauty of life, I still know how to be happy, I can still smile and laugh. This is so hard to understand. It makes me feel that my lethargy is more laziness related than depression related. So back in the catch 22 cycle to where I blame myself. Is it depression? Is it me? Probably a mixture of both.
I've difficulty eating as much as I should. Ridiculous isn't it? Sometimes it is just too much effort for someone who is in this kind of state to go through the motions of making something (especially when the kitchen must be unburied first) or even going out to pick something up when I've not cared enough to even get in the shower for days and would rather no one saw me! lol
I need to be on top of things before it falls apart. I just realized my car insurance was due 3 days ago and I just forgot because I've not been working so the dates don't have as much meaning. I hope I don't get cancelled. I will have to call and make a phone payment tomorrow and hope for the best. Bills/finances, another hard thing to do. I've piles of papers and receipts that need filed and organized and recycled or shredded/recycled, etc...junk mail, omg...too much to fathom, it just keeps coming lol!
What is the point here. Just an honest update from deanna. Life is very precarious right now. I can do this...I've gotten myself unburied before. Much love to my friends/family, I'll keep ya'll updated. Will hopefully have some news of positive progress soon for ya. I'm fine...truly! lol <3