Something I wrote Last Thursday
sometimes I feel the need to stand up in front of everybody and scream what I'm feeling so they can understand. most of the time I know when I'm making mistakes, and I know that I will regret them but somehow my heart just doesn't register it. when you love someone so much and end up hurting them or you disagree with something that they say it hurts, really bad. when they are mad at you it hurts. when there is really nothing you can do to make it better it hurts. there are days that I will not miss but there are also those times that I regret leaving behind. I know that it's the right thing to do. I need to spend some time away from the place I know all too well. I know some people really disagree with this but it's right for me and they just have to trust me just this once. I know that it's the right thing to spend some time without the world I know, but because of my decisions the world I know as of right now is crumbling. I'm crumbling inside. it hurts to know that no one supports my decisions and it hurts when they make fun of me because of it. but because of who I am I smile and suck it up. I know this may sound stupid, but I do what people expect out of me. I don't like letting people down. I don't like when people don't approve of my decisions. it seems that whenever I do mess up nothing is ever going to be the same. my mind is completely and totally dead. it seems that every decision I make is blown out of proportion and it completely encompasses my whole life. I know most of the time people think I am making the wrong decision, but sometimes I feel the need to break out of the norm and do what I want when I want. my life is not over just because I made one wrong decision and I am tired of people acting like it is. yes, I know that I am not perfect, you don't need to keep on reminding me and sometimes I'm ok with not being perfect. sometimes I just want to make mistakes to show that i can make my own decisions whether they be good or bad. whether I am right or wrong I don't care, and I don't want to hear what you think about my decisions. I don't know how my life is going to end up and frankly right now I don't want to know. all I know is that I can't and don't want to fix every mistake I make along the way. And sometimes my friends are just going to have to deal with that. I know that people are there to look out for everybody's best interest, but how can you experience anything if you don't make a few wrong decisions along the way. by no means am I saying that my decisions are the way to go, but what i am saying is that it's alright to make some mistakes here and there. and the way I choose to deal with them is my choice. no one else's but MINE! I'm sorry that my actions have hurt others and I'm really really sorry that there is no way to fix it. but I am not going to stop taking chances with my life and I'm definitely not going to stop being myself just because it effects others. I think that people have expectations of others and they may be good or the may be bad for the person, but in the end it's thats persons decison whether or not to except others feelings. whatever happens, happens. we all go through tough stuff that we wish we could forget but most of the time it helps us realize something about ourselves and about how we live our lives. life is one big experiment and we need to take chances. otherwise what is there to live for? mistakes are a part of life. and I know this may not make sense to anyone but me but the truth is it doesn't matter! and this is my life and right now this is what is going on in my brain. basically I believe that mistakes are inevitable and essential to life and although we may regret them they make us stronger and help us realize that life will never ever be predictable if you take chances.