[FIC] Thawing the Ice for gblvr
Gift type: Fanfic
Title: Thawing The Ice
Author: deancasdestiny
Recipient: gblvr
Rating: light PG-13
Warnings: Genderswap (AlwaysAGirl!Dean), references to character death, (not a death!fic)
Spoilers: Seasons 4 and 5 in all, specific reference to 5x22.
Wordcount: 1,521
Summary: A year after leaving, Castiel visits Deanna again.
Author notes: gblvr, I went with your general likes and dislikes. There's genderswap, a little bit angst, but a hopeful ending, and some kissing. I hope you enjoy this.:)
Deanna stopped staring at nothing in particular out the window of the diner and picked at her dinner. She’d ordered the usual burger and fries and forced herself to eat something even though she wasn’t really hungry.
She hadn’t been much of anything at all in the past year since Stull cemetery and Sam throwing himself into the cage with Michael and Lucifer. She’d promised him beforehand she wouldn’t try to bring him back and that she’d keep hunting if that was really what she wanted. The prospect of not much but lonely highways, crappy motels and diners and an even crappier job ahead of her for years wasn’t appealing, but it was the only life she’d ever known.
It had never been much of a life in the first place, and now she was all alone. Everyone she’d ever cared about or who had cared about her in any way was dead or gone with the exception of Bobby, who called frequently to check up on her, The constant aloneness had left her feeling numb, cold and empty in a way she never could have imagined.
A big part of her still wished she’d been able to go into the cage instead of her brother. She’d have done it in an heartbeat if it had been possible.
She choked down a few more bites of her burger and when the waitress came back with the check, she decided just to ask for a takeout container for the rest of the meal.
After paying and heading out to the Impala, she was highly surprised to find Castiel standing by the car.
Castiel, whom she hadn’t seen in a year. Castiel, who got resurrected by a resurrected himself Gabriel and went back to Heaven with him just like that without even so much as an actual goodbye.
The angel, of course, looked the same as ever - trench coat and suit, sex hair (which was rather ridiculous, because since when should an angel have sex hair?) , stubble and impossibly blue eyes.
The sight of him now brought back that familiar knot of something that she couldn’t quite define at the pit of her stomach.
“ Hello, Deanna,” he said in that low, gravelly voice as she approached.
“Cas. Long time, no see. What’s going on?” she asked.
“I‘ve taken a break from my duties to see how you have been doing.”
“Not that I’m not happy to see you but just so you know - a year later is generally a little late for a social call,” she said.
“I have been busy during this time helping Gabriel in dealing with my brothers and sisters since Michael is in the cage and also rebuilding from the aborted war with Hell. There was not really any time to return to Earth until now.”
“So how’s that going? Last I checked, you weren’t exactly Mr. Popularity up there.”
“I was never Mr. Popularity,” he said with all seriousness. “To be honest, it has been complicated and stressful, I believe the word is. Most of my brothers and sisters don’t like the fact that I returned with Our Father‘s blessing after rebelling, but they will just have to deal with it. They wouldn’t dare cross Gabriel, at least not right now. Unfortunately, it seems as if Raphael has not given up on the apocalypse. I believe he is starting to plan something with his sympathizers, but neither Gabriel or I have been able to figure out what as of yet. We have been keeping eyes on him, though. Plus, a few have followed my example of free will and gone AWOL and simply disappeared.”
“ Lovely. Sounds like a wonderful situation,” she snorted and walked over to the driver’s side of the car. “I’m going back to my room. Get in.” She opened the door and put the takeout container in the space between the two seats while he got into the Impala also, but it looked like it wouldn’t stay while she was driving. “Can you hold this for me?”
“Yes,“ he nodded and took the container from her.
She looked at him for a moment as she started up the car, and saw a profound sadness and tension that hadn’t been there before in his eyes. She turned the Impala out of the parking lot and out onto the street. The motel was less than two miles away; it wouldn‘t take long to reach it. “You’re really worried, aren’t you?” she asked quietly.
“I’d be a fool not to be. Things are different now. For the first time, it feels like almost anything might happen. The thought is not particularly pleasant. And I know Raphael; he will not stop once he sets his mind on something. He must be prevented from carrying out whatever he‘s planning.”
“Cas, it sounds like your talking about an actual war with him.”
“We may have no choice. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that. I am tired of us killing each other.”
“I hope it doesn’t come to that, either,” she told him, wanting to offer something more in the way of comforting words but finding herself unable to. “You still do owe him a smiting, though.”
“Yes, I suppose I do,” he agreed with an almost smile. “ I find that can't bring myself to feel regret over the prospect of his death. At any rate, I am glad to find you well.”
She shrugged. “Well” was a relative term. “Still alive, anyway.”
He only gave her an unhappy look in response to that.
“What? “ she asked a bit testily. “What do you want me to say? That’s everything’s just peachy-keen and hunky-dory ? It’s kinda impossible to be happy with my entire family, especially Sam, gone.”
“You still might find some measure peace and comfort if you just let yourself, and believe it or not you do deserve it.”
She had nothing to say to that. She hated that he could still see through her, that he could still see that she never would quite believe she deserved anything good, no matter how might she might want it.
“You are an extremely frustrating woman, Deanna Winchester,” he said with a shake of his head.
“Been told that before,” she replied as she brought the Impala into the parking space in front of her room and shut off the engine.
He sighed and put the take out container he’d been holding on the dashboard. He fixed her with a stare that she found it impossible to look away from and then reached out and took her hand.
Something flared in her at the touch; the simple contact reminding her of what it felt like to be touched when she’d almost forgotten.
“It’s frustrating that I can fix this with the barest of thought,” he said and brushed a finger over a months- old scar on the side of her hand that was from a Wendigo and made it disappear; “that I can rebuild your flesh and bones from nothing, and hold the very essence of you inside my grace, but still I can’t fix you... I wish I could fix you.”
“Some things simply can't be fixed,“ she wanted to say, but didn’t . The way he was looking at her as if he truly wished he could take all of her pain away combined with the simple, honest emotion in his voice made her stop. “Cas…” was all she managed instead.
Without thinking, she leaned forward and kissed him chastely. It was only a brush of lips against lips, but it made her feel more than anything else had in a long time.
His immediate reaction wasn’t what might she have expected from him. He leaned into the kiss, returning it awkwardly and tentatively at first, then quickly becoming more comfortable by the time it ended a few seconds later. “I believe I would like to do that again, “ he said as they broke apart.
“Yeah?” she asked and couldn’t help the slight smile that spread across her features.
“I found it enjoyable for you to kiss me.”
She was in completely in uncharted territory here, and wasn’t sure it was exactly a good idea, but even so she said “That wasn’t even a real kiss. C’mere.”
He moved a little further towards her and then she brought a hand up to the side of his face, and gently ran a thumb over his stubble as she kissed him for real. He moaned softly as her tongue slipped past the seam of his lips and into his mouth and slid against his. He was a fast learner and managed to reciprocate a little and then put a hand on her waist to get her as close as he could.
She let out a moan of her own and grabbed hold of the middle of his tie with the other hand as the kiss deepened. In that moment the coldness and emptiness were gone and she felt only warmth.
Maybe he was right; he couldn’t fix her, but this was still something. It might even be a start.
Title: Thawing The Ice
Author: deancasdestiny
Recipient: gblvr
Rating: light PG-13
Warnings: Genderswap (AlwaysAGirl!Dean), references to character death, (not a death!fic)
Spoilers: Seasons 4 and 5 in all, specific reference to 5x22.
Wordcount: 1,521
Summary: A year after leaving, Castiel visits Deanna again.
Author notes: gblvr, I went with your general likes and dislikes. There's genderswap, a little bit angst, but a hopeful ending, and some kissing. I hope you enjoy this.:)
Deanna stopped staring at nothing in particular out the window of the diner and picked at her dinner. She’d ordered the usual burger and fries and forced herself to eat something even though she wasn’t really hungry.
She hadn’t been much of anything at all in the past year since Stull cemetery and Sam throwing himself into the cage with Michael and Lucifer. She’d promised him beforehand she wouldn’t try to bring him back and that she’d keep hunting if that was really what she wanted. The prospect of not much but lonely highways, crappy motels and diners and an even crappier job ahead of her for years wasn’t appealing, but it was the only life she’d ever known.
It had never been much of a life in the first place, and now she was all alone. Everyone she’d ever cared about or who had cared about her in any way was dead or gone with the exception of Bobby, who called frequently to check up on her, The constant aloneness had left her feeling numb, cold and empty in a way she never could have imagined.
A big part of her still wished she’d been able to go into the cage instead of her brother. She’d have done it in an heartbeat if it had been possible.
She choked down a few more bites of her burger and when the waitress came back with the check, she decided just to ask for a takeout container for the rest of the meal.
After paying and heading out to the Impala, she was highly surprised to find Castiel standing by the car.
Castiel, whom she hadn’t seen in a year. Castiel, who got resurrected by a resurrected himself Gabriel and went back to Heaven with him just like that without even so much as an actual goodbye.
The angel, of course, looked the same as ever - trench coat and suit, sex hair (which was rather ridiculous, because since when should an angel have sex hair?) , stubble and impossibly blue eyes.
The sight of him now brought back that familiar knot of something that she couldn’t quite define at the pit of her stomach.
“ Hello, Deanna,” he said in that low, gravelly voice as she approached.
“Cas. Long time, no see. What’s going on?” she asked.
“I‘ve taken a break from my duties to see how you have been doing.”
“Not that I’m not happy to see you but just so you know - a year later is generally a little late for a social call,” she said.
“I have been busy during this time helping Gabriel in dealing with my brothers and sisters since Michael is in the cage and also rebuilding from the aborted war with Hell. There was not really any time to return to Earth until now.”
“So how’s that going? Last I checked, you weren’t exactly Mr. Popularity up there.”
“I was never Mr. Popularity,” he said with all seriousness. “To be honest, it has been complicated and stressful, I believe the word is. Most of my brothers and sisters don’t like the fact that I returned with Our Father‘s blessing after rebelling, but they will just have to deal with it. They wouldn’t dare cross Gabriel, at least not right now. Unfortunately, it seems as if Raphael has not given up on the apocalypse. I believe he is starting to plan something with his sympathizers, but neither Gabriel or I have been able to figure out what as of yet. We have been keeping eyes on him, though. Plus, a few have followed my example of free will and gone AWOL and simply disappeared.”
“ Lovely. Sounds like a wonderful situation,” she snorted and walked over to the driver’s side of the car. “I’m going back to my room. Get in.” She opened the door and put the takeout container in the space between the two seats while he got into the Impala also, but it looked like it wouldn’t stay while she was driving. “Can you hold this for me?”
“Yes,“ he nodded and took the container from her.
She looked at him for a moment as she started up the car, and saw a profound sadness and tension that hadn’t been there before in his eyes. She turned the Impala out of the parking lot and out onto the street. The motel was less than two miles away; it wouldn‘t take long to reach it. “You’re really worried, aren’t you?” she asked quietly.
“I’d be a fool not to be. Things are different now. For the first time, it feels like almost anything might happen. The thought is not particularly pleasant. And I know Raphael; he will not stop once he sets his mind on something. He must be prevented from carrying out whatever he‘s planning.”
“Cas, it sounds like your talking about an actual war with him.”
“We may have no choice. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that. I am tired of us killing each other.”
“I hope it doesn’t come to that, either,” she told him, wanting to offer something more in the way of comforting words but finding herself unable to. “You still do owe him a smiting, though.”
“Yes, I suppose I do,” he agreed with an almost smile. “ I find that can't bring myself to feel regret over the prospect of his death. At any rate, I am glad to find you well.”
She shrugged. “Well” was a relative term. “Still alive, anyway.”
He only gave her an unhappy look in response to that.
“What? “ she asked a bit testily. “What do you want me to say? That’s everything’s just peachy-keen and hunky-dory ? It’s kinda impossible to be happy with my entire family, especially Sam, gone.”
“You still might find some measure peace and comfort if you just let yourself, and believe it or not you do deserve it.”
She had nothing to say to that. She hated that he could still see through her, that he could still see that she never would quite believe she deserved anything good, no matter how might she might want it.
“You are an extremely frustrating woman, Deanna Winchester,” he said with a shake of his head.
“Been told that before,” she replied as she brought the Impala into the parking space in front of her room and shut off the engine.
He sighed and put the take out container he’d been holding on the dashboard. He fixed her with a stare that she found it impossible to look away from and then reached out and took her hand.
Something flared in her at the touch; the simple contact reminding her of what it felt like to be touched when she’d almost forgotten.
“It’s frustrating that I can fix this with the barest of thought,” he said and brushed a finger over a months- old scar on the side of her hand that was from a Wendigo and made it disappear; “that I can rebuild your flesh and bones from nothing, and hold the very essence of you inside my grace, but still I can’t fix you... I wish I could fix you.”
“Some things simply can't be fixed,“ she wanted to say, but didn’t . The way he was looking at her as if he truly wished he could take all of her pain away combined with the simple, honest emotion in his voice made her stop. “Cas…” was all she managed instead.
Without thinking, she leaned forward and kissed him chastely. It was only a brush of lips against lips, but it made her feel more than anything else had in a long time.
His immediate reaction wasn’t what might she have expected from him. He leaned into the kiss, returning it awkwardly and tentatively at first, then quickly becoming more comfortable by the time it ended a few seconds later. “I believe I would like to do that again, “ he said as they broke apart.
“Yeah?” she asked and couldn’t help the slight smile that spread across her features.
“I found it enjoyable for you to kiss me.”
She was in completely in uncharted territory here, and wasn’t sure it was exactly a good idea, but even so she said “That wasn’t even a real kiss. C’mere.”
He moved a little further towards her and then she brought a hand up to the side of his face, and gently ran a thumb over his stubble as she kissed him for real. He moaned softly as her tongue slipped past the seam of his lips and into his mouth and slid against his. He was a fast learner and managed to reciprocate a little and then put a hand on her waist to get her as close as he could.
She let out a moan of her own and grabbed hold of the middle of his tie with the other hand as the kiss deepened. In that moment the coldness and emptiness were gone and she felt only warmth.
Maybe he was right; he couldn’t fix her, but this was still something. It might even be a start.