Why did it take me so long to get this?
A few years ago, I moved my friend, Kirby, and he gave me his laptop in the process. When I turned it on and started deleting files, I ignored everything I could, but there was a folder with all my emails to him and I thought it would be a fun little nostalgic trip to see what he'd saved. (Please note, he was sitting right next to me at the time) Nothing notable except there was an email he'd gotten from my ex-roommate. Apparently, she would regularly send out emails making fun of me to all our mutual friends. He'd deleted all but the most recent. I was hurt deeply to realize that almost all of my friends had been receiving these about once a week for over a year and never told her it was mean or mentioned to me that she hated me so much. I never knew. And I didn't tell anyone about it. It's embarrassing to be the one who's not only left out but then made fun of.
I guess I didn't learn anything from that.
Tonight, I'm dealing with some of the same emotions and I'm kicking myself for letting it happen.
When I first joined the quilting guild in Austin, I stayed pretty quiet and observed a lot. And I was treated very poorly by some of the members. I always got the impression that it was related to my age. But I have little proof of that theory, so I could be wrong. I mentioned it to my bee and one of the women told me to just be myself, speak up at events and give my opinion more often. I guess I took it too far. And I think I've let that attitude seep into the other parts of my life.
I know I come across as being very sure of myself. I'm not. I sound like a know-it-all too much. That's a problem. I don't usually catch myself until after the fact, either. And then I feel like a complete idiot and I try to recover but I just sound like a blustering fool and make the situation worse. I'm just trying to help and share the information I know, but it comes out as pushy. And when I'm nervous or tired, I talk too much. And about nothing. Or I interrupt people or start to take over a conversation. I don't mean to take over a conversation. I swear I don't! But it always seems to happen. Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep my mouth shut? When I ask my family they all just shrug their shoulders and say "well, that's how you are..." (They're no help! LOL)
It occurs to me that I can't continue being so 'out there'. I'm giving people the wrong impression about me. I'm irritating, grating, annoying and I'm making people uncomfortable. It's not who I am at heart. What happened to me to make me act so overbearing?! I let myself get hyper and out of control and then wear myself down instead of being the calm person I am at home. I get so nervous I won't make a good impression that I then screw myself over and make a bad impression. And instead of coming across as someone who you can talk to, I come across as a know-it-all boor.
I guess I didn't learn anything from that.
Tonight, I'm dealing with some of the same emotions and I'm kicking myself for letting it happen.
When I first joined the quilting guild in Austin, I stayed pretty quiet and observed a lot. And I was treated very poorly by some of the members. I always got the impression that it was related to my age. But I have little proof of that theory, so I could be wrong. I mentioned it to my bee and one of the women told me to just be myself, speak up at events and give my opinion more often. I guess I took it too far. And I think I've let that attitude seep into the other parts of my life.
I know I come across as being very sure of myself. I'm not. I sound like a know-it-all too much. That's a problem. I don't usually catch myself until after the fact, either. And then I feel like a complete idiot and I try to recover but I just sound like a blustering fool and make the situation worse. I'm just trying to help and share the information I know, but it comes out as pushy. And when I'm nervous or tired, I talk too much. And about nothing. Or I interrupt people or start to take over a conversation. I don't mean to take over a conversation. I swear I don't! But it always seems to happen. Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep my mouth shut? When I ask my family they all just shrug their shoulders and say "well, that's how you are..." (They're no help! LOL)
It occurs to me that I can't continue being so 'out there'. I'm giving people the wrong impression about me. I'm irritating, grating, annoying and I'm making people uncomfortable. It's not who I am at heart. What happened to me to make me act so overbearing?! I let myself get hyper and out of control and then wear myself down instead of being the calm person I am at home. I get so nervous I won't make a good impression that I then screw myself over and make a bad impression. And instead of coming across as someone who you can talk to, I come across as a know-it-all boor.