THE BOY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
HE REALLY IS... Am I not being obvious enough? Or am I being too obvious? The worst part to get past in a relationship is that point of "I like you, do you like me?" In every friendship I've ever had, once I know where I stand, it's great. There's not this concern of "what does he mean by that" or reading into the body language. Of course, it's really much easier when it's not just me, it's my whole gender. But even with Sam -- there's just this quiet understanding of each other. A polite acceptance of what there is and what there isn't. I guess the problem is that I need to get it out. What I want to say:
So, what am I to you? What do you want me to be? Do you have any desire (bad word) to be in my life or would you rather just keep this at work? Because truth be told, I think there's more possibility here than just a work acquaintanceship. Seriously, I don't have this sort of mental connection with other people very often. It's very very rare for me. Maybe it happens everyday for you. If so, consider yourself lucky. Actually, you ought to consider yourself lucky to have that connection with ME. I'm a fantastic person and I'm sick and tired of having to do all the fucking work between the two of us. If you enjoy spending time with me, then would you please make it known?
I don't like feeling unwanted and I don't like feeling as if it's some great honor for you to grant me a little of your precious time. That's not right. In a friendship, there has to be push and pull from both sides. This is not going to survive unless you start pulling your weight. Contribute, damn it. You're kinda starting to piss me off. I understand you want of alone time. I'm not asking for more time together, necessarily. I would just like for you to initiate doing something half the time. The way I see things in my world, if you aren't asking me to do something, you're obviously not interested in spending time with me enough to make the effort. If you don't enjoy it, say so. I abhor people just doing something because they don't know how to say no. And it really frosts my cookies to think that you might be doing that.
I am so frustrated by this that I want to cry. I get angry with you for not giving me a clear indication of what you want, I get mad at myself for not saying something, and I get hurt when I think that you really could care less about me. I don't me care in a deep way. I mean care like a friend. Do you even want to be my friend? Or am I just a convenient distraction and a nice dinner companion?
I know you didn't mean it this way but when you stuck your hand out at dinner last weekend, it was like a slap in the face. We don't shake hands around here unless you really care so little for the person. I hug people that I'm not very close with, people who I only know from TESC or SG. Hell, and I hugged those people after meeting them one time. Call it fake or whatever you want but when I got into my car, there were tears in my eyes. I feel a connection between us. I can't identify what it is and I doubt that I could ever do that on my own. But I feel it there. I'm one of those people that knows instantly whether a person I've met is what Anne Shirley called a "kindred spirit". Within maybe fifteen minutes of talking to someone, I know if they're going to make a difference in my life. The way I see people, there are a couple different groups in my life:
1) my close friends - people who understand me and my quirks, think I'm great and love me for just who I am
requirements: must be willing to initiate things half the time, must have real interest in my life, must be able to stomach my little melodramas and laugh in my face (kindly) if I'm being stupid, must be able to figuratively grab the back of my shirt to keep me from lunging at fundamentalists, bigots, mothers who yell at their children in public, animal-haters, and people who say that history isn't important; must be able to follow my winding conversational roads and not get upset if we get off-off-off-off-topic in the course of 5 minutes; must be able to handle my talking through an entire historic epic with critiques of the clothes (although you are allowed to complain afterwards); preferably should require my advise at least twice a month (not required to take it but, again, preferred); cannot be afraid of the paper & clothes monster; Dot has to like you (although I'm not sure that there's anyone Dot DOESN'T like); and you have to be able to take just as much teasing as you dish out.
2) people I knew well in college - from one of my organizations, particularly those people I knew for more than one school year or through another person. These are members of the group "Christmas Card Friends", provided I have a mailing address.
3) people I didn't know well in college - from an organization or a friend of 1) or 2). People who I remember if I see them but they don't come up on my side of the conversation.
Generally speaking, the above have their numbers in my cell phone.
4) Sam - in a category of his own because he's the only person that I was close to in HS that I still talk to on a semi-regular basis.
5) people I grew up with - we know each others past but don't know anything about the present except what our mothers share at the grocery store, post office, or football game. These are the people who scarred me for life and who I'm still working on forgiving. But I guess I would have been a wild heathen if they hadn't made me feel like a big fat unlovable slob. These are the people who would correct the teacher during roll call the first day of school. They cared for me in a sick, twisted, suburban kind of way.
6) work people that I'm close to - these are the people who hear about my little dramas with Dot, they hear about my love life, they hear about my frustrations with other people at work and occasionally the people outside work.
7) work people that I'm friendly with - chit chat in the break room, friendly conversation during the day. And they remember how to spell AND pronounce my name correctly. They remember where I went when I'm out of the office and they slightly follow the gossip. The longer I'm here, the better we know each other.
8) everyone else at work - no connection, no broad smiling hellos, don't know anything about me except (maybe) my name and where I work. We will never be close, no matter how much we talk.
9) strangers in the store - we talk mainly because I eavesdrop on their conversation or because I'll initiate something.
That's what I've got for now...
So, what am I to you? What do you want me to be? Do you have any desire (bad word) to be in my life or would you rather just keep this at work? Because truth be told, I think there's more possibility here than just a work acquaintanceship. Seriously, I don't have this sort of mental connection with other people very often. It's very very rare for me. Maybe it happens everyday for you. If so, consider yourself lucky. Actually, you ought to consider yourself lucky to have that connection with ME. I'm a fantastic person and I'm sick and tired of having to do all the fucking work between the two of us. If you enjoy spending time with me, then would you please make it known?
I don't like feeling unwanted and I don't like feeling as if it's some great honor for you to grant me a little of your precious time. That's not right. In a friendship, there has to be push and pull from both sides. This is not going to survive unless you start pulling your weight. Contribute, damn it. You're kinda starting to piss me off. I understand you want of alone time. I'm not asking for more time together, necessarily. I would just like for you to initiate doing something half the time. The way I see things in my world, if you aren't asking me to do something, you're obviously not interested in spending time with me enough to make the effort. If you don't enjoy it, say so. I abhor people just doing something because they don't know how to say no. And it really frosts my cookies to think that you might be doing that.
I am so frustrated by this that I want to cry. I get angry with you for not giving me a clear indication of what you want, I get mad at myself for not saying something, and I get hurt when I think that you really could care less about me. I don't me care in a deep way. I mean care like a friend. Do you even want to be my friend? Or am I just a convenient distraction and a nice dinner companion?
I know you didn't mean it this way but when you stuck your hand out at dinner last weekend, it was like a slap in the face. We don't shake hands around here unless you really care so little for the person. I hug people that I'm not very close with, people who I only know from TESC or SG. Hell, and I hugged those people after meeting them one time. Call it fake or whatever you want but when I got into my car, there were tears in my eyes. I feel a connection between us. I can't identify what it is and I doubt that I could ever do that on my own. But I feel it there. I'm one of those people that knows instantly whether a person I've met is what Anne Shirley called a "kindred spirit". Within maybe fifteen minutes of talking to someone, I know if they're going to make a difference in my life. The way I see people, there are a couple different groups in my life:
1) my close friends - people who understand me and my quirks, think I'm great and love me for just who I am
requirements: must be willing to initiate things half the time, must have real interest in my life, must be able to stomach my little melodramas and laugh in my face (kindly) if I'm being stupid, must be able to figuratively grab the back of my shirt to keep me from lunging at fundamentalists, bigots, mothers who yell at their children in public, animal-haters, and people who say that history isn't important; must be able to follow my winding conversational roads and not get upset if we get off-off-off-off-topic in the course of 5 minutes; must be able to handle my talking through an entire historic epic with critiques of the clothes (although you are allowed to complain afterwards); preferably should require my advise at least twice a month (not required to take it but, again, preferred); cannot be afraid of the paper & clothes monster; Dot has to like you (although I'm not sure that there's anyone Dot DOESN'T like); and you have to be able to take just as much teasing as you dish out.
2) people I knew well in college - from one of my organizations, particularly those people I knew for more than one school year or through another person. These are members of the group "Christmas Card Friends", provided I have a mailing address.
3) people I didn't know well in college - from an organization or a friend of 1) or 2). People who I remember if I see them but they don't come up on my side of the conversation.
Generally speaking, the above have their numbers in my cell phone.
4) Sam - in a category of his own because he's the only person that I was close to in HS that I still talk to on a semi-regular basis.
5) people I grew up with - we know each others past but don't know anything about the present except what our mothers share at the grocery store, post office, or football game. These are the people who scarred me for life and who I'm still working on forgiving. But I guess I would have been a wild heathen if they hadn't made me feel like a big fat unlovable slob. These are the people who would correct the teacher during roll call the first day of school. They cared for me in a sick, twisted, suburban kind of way.
6) work people that I'm close to - these are the people who hear about my little dramas with Dot, they hear about my love life, they hear about my frustrations with other people at work and occasionally the people outside work.
7) work people that I'm friendly with - chit chat in the break room, friendly conversation during the day. And they remember how to spell AND pronounce my name correctly. They remember where I went when I'm out of the office and they slightly follow the gossip. The longer I'm here, the better we know each other.
8) everyone else at work - no connection, no broad smiling hellos, don't know anything about me except (maybe) my name and where I work. We will never be close, no matter how much we talk.
9) strangers in the store - we talk mainly because I eavesdrop on their conversation or because I'll initiate something.
That's what I've got for now...