(no subject)
I listen to country now because as I realized earlier tonight that Rock and Punk seem to bring up too many memories...
Punk lately seems to remind me of sorrow and loss... Therefore I dont listen to it because I dont want to feel down anymore...
I dont listen to some rock because it reminds me of my family and my friends up north... I almost started crying tonight when I heard something from linkin park because jared listens to them and once had me listen to the c.d. he got... Then he had loaned me a 30 seconds to mars disc that I never really returned because it was still somewhere in my room when I left.
I miss my bed up there... That big ass king size bed. I miss my room however hot or cold. I miss the fact that it wasnt a walk way for the family. The room that I technically live in leads straight out to the back yard and when the kids are here its all in and out, in and out... I have no where to escape to but the bathroom when I need to cry... (I like to keep my emotions hidden from everyone now or as much as possible.)
I dont really talk much about my problems or whats bothering me... Maybe thats a good thing considering that no one can consider me a downer or a whiner lol... NO one wants to listen or talk to me about it anyway because.... Well everyone has thier own problems right and mine just dont matter more than anyone elses so why look for simpathy or understanding when there is none to be had.... Anyway...
Things are alright nothing is hideously bad or anything... Its just nothing ever seems to work out in my favor. Maybe it will someday.
The days are wicked hot, the nights comfortable... The bugs are horrendous but I am getting use to picking ticks off of the dogs, the man, and myself...
I am walking more... Not as much as I should be, but at least I am taking the initiative to walk. I take my new dog with me... That little Min. Pin. loves to walk with "mom" lol... His name is Scrappy and he likes to kill poisonous snakes around the yard. yeah poisonous snakes. I live in town but beyond the fence in the back yard is woods and trails that I have gone down walking and on a quard runner. By the way I got a HORRENDOUS burn on my right inner side calf if that makes sense to you... Its gross I burned off all of the skin and its leaking yellow puss crap... Its not infected just healing.. Finally after almost 2 weeks its beginning to scab up like its supposed to.
I am covered in bruises, knicks, cuts, burns, and have completely once again turned to chewing off the skin and nails on my fingers... I guess you could say I am a little stressed. I am rough housing and trying to be a part of everything and work my ass off to get by down here... I still need to work harder...
And for once I am beginning to really realize that I am just a scared little girl inside this huge fat body... I use to be afraid of nothing but cops and jail... I wasnt even afraid of death... Now it seems to me that I am afraid of everyday and that things can turn for the worst... I try to block this fear and continue on but its hard somedays... Somedays I hate the memories of my parents because I dont always feel good enough for anyone, anything, or any possible future... But then I tell myself that they made me feel like that because they never wanted me to leave home because they put this fear in me that no one would love me and care for me like them and what they were doing was the best that I could get. I tell myself eveyday not to believe it, but its an ongoing battle...
Sometimes I just wish I could erase my memory, or delete this abandonment issues within. All I can do is just tell myself otherwise. I love and miss you all more than you know...
Until later... I am always thinking of you...
Punk lately seems to remind me of sorrow and loss... Therefore I dont listen to it because I dont want to feel down anymore...
I dont listen to some rock because it reminds me of my family and my friends up north... I almost started crying tonight when I heard something from linkin park because jared listens to them and once had me listen to the c.d. he got... Then he had loaned me a 30 seconds to mars disc that I never really returned because it was still somewhere in my room when I left.
I miss my bed up there... That big ass king size bed. I miss my room however hot or cold. I miss the fact that it wasnt a walk way for the family. The room that I technically live in leads straight out to the back yard and when the kids are here its all in and out, in and out... I have no where to escape to but the bathroom when I need to cry... (I like to keep my emotions hidden from everyone now or as much as possible.)
I dont really talk much about my problems or whats bothering me... Maybe thats a good thing considering that no one can consider me a downer or a whiner lol... NO one wants to listen or talk to me about it anyway because.... Well everyone has thier own problems right and mine just dont matter more than anyone elses so why look for simpathy or understanding when there is none to be had.... Anyway...
Things are alright nothing is hideously bad or anything... Its just nothing ever seems to work out in my favor. Maybe it will someday.
The days are wicked hot, the nights comfortable... The bugs are horrendous but I am getting use to picking ticks off of the dogs, the man, and myself...
I am walking more... Not as much as I should be, but at least I am taking the initiative to walk. I take my new dog with me... That little Min. Pin. loves to walk with "mom" lol... His name is Scrappy and he likes to kill poisonous snakes around the yard. yeah poisonous snakes. I live in town but beyond the fence in the back yard is woods and trails that I have gone down walking and on a quard runner. By the way I got a HORRENDOUS burn on my right inner side calf if that makes sense to you... Its gross I burned off all of the skin and its leaking yellow puss crap... Its not infected just healing.. Finally after almost 2 weeks its beginning to scab up like its supposed to.
I am covered in bruises, knicks, cuts, burns, and have completely once again turned to chewing off the skin and nails on my fingers... I guess you could say I am a little stressed. I am rough housing and trying to be a part of everything and work my ass off to get by down here... I still need to work harder...
And for once I am beginning to really realize that I am just a scared little girl inside this huge fat body... I use to be afraid of nothing but cops and jail... I wasnt even afraid of death... Now it seems to me that I am afraid of everyday and that things can turn for the worst... I try to block this fear and continue on but its hard somedays... Somedays I hate the memories of my parents because I dont always feel good enough for anyone, anything, or any possible future... But then I tell myself that they made me feel like that because they never wanted me to leave home because they put this fear in me that no one would love me and care for me like them and what they were doing was the best that I could get. I tell myself eveyday not to believe it, but its an ongoing battle...
Sometimes I just wish I could erase my memory, or delete this abandonment issues within. All I can do is just tell myself otherwise. I love and miss you all more than you know...
Until later... I am always thinking of you...