Countdown: - 1
A whole month has gone by.
Minus one.
In my new Year's Resolution, I wrote that I wanted to find a Master, though I knew I had a long way to go. Had no idea how long this way was, and how deep inside of me it went.
I met people, I made mistakes, I tried to put them right.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone realises how hard it may be to be here all alone, separated from everything you knew before... However, that's not my case, or not completely.
I want to be here.
I have left behind a part of me that couldn't care less about what he was doing or where or with whom. With predictable nasty results. People here may have the impression that I haven't got my shit together, but I really don't feel that's true. I'm working on a precise directive and I fuck up, of course I do, but I get up and go forward. In my own way. Quietly. Well, apart from one outburst or two.
I'm only human. *g*
I finished reading the books Jack gave me. Believe me or not, I took fucking notes. And I think I'll buy a couple of them, at least. It's stuff that I assume changes with time, according to how much you know, how much you have experienced. I'm so, so new to all of this, pain and pleasure and power, given and taken - I expect that what I have read will make more sense with the passing of time.
And yes, Jack, I'll drop by and give the books back to you asap. With my luck, Pyro will open the door...yes, you say is a good man, and I believe you, I do. But can you see me holding your books on Dominance and Submission and so on and looking at him? *g*
I need to walk this way. I have to, I want to find the ends of the knot in which I'm tied up and undo it.
Is that being 'not together'? Maybe. I'm not afraid to look inside of me and this is what I see.
It's much easier to just go along and pretend there's no craving, apparently, but that's not true. Running away has never been an answer to problems, in my book. Now, if only I could manage to learn not to run towards problems, that'd be better.
And then there's the people I met in this place. There's Jack, and Jon, and David, Pyro, Taylor, Alex, Curt, Lorne and a few others. Emily. All of them are helping me out, one way or another, willingly or not knowing it. Some more than others. But that's another entry.
Minus one.
In my new Year's Resolution, I wrote that I wanted to find a Master, though I knew I had a long way to go. Had no idea how long this way was, and how deep inside of me it went.
I met people, I made mistakes, I tried to put them right.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone realises how hard it may be to be here all alone, separated from everything you knew before... However, that's not my case, or not completely.
I want to be here.
I have left behind a part of me that couldn't care less about what he was doing or where or with whom. With predictable nasty results. People here may have the impression that I haven't got my shit together, but I really don't feel that's true. I'm working on a precise directive and I fuck up, of course I do, but I get up and go forward. In my own way. Quietly. Well, apart from one outburst or two.
I'm only human. *g*
I finished reading the books Jack gave me. Believe me or not, I took fucking notes. And I think I'll buy a couple of them, at least. It's stuff that I assume changes with time, according to how much you know, how much you have experienced. I'm so, so new to all of this, pain and pleasure and power, given and taken - I expect that what I have read will make more sense with the passing of time.
And yes, Jack, I'll drop by and give the books back to you asap. With my luck, Pyro will open the door...yes, you say is a good man, and I believe you, I do. But can you see me holding your books on Dominance and Submission and so on and looking at him? *g*
I need to walk this way. I have to, I want to find the ends of the knot in which I'm tied up and undo it.
Is that being 'not together'? Maybe. I'm not afraid to look inside of me and this is what I see.
It's much easier to just go along and pretend there's no craving, apparently, but that's not true. Running away has never been an answer to problems, in my book. Now, if only I could manage to learn not to run towards problems, that'd be better.
And then there's the people I met in this place. There's Jack, and Jon, and David, Pyro, Taylor, Alex, Curt, Lorne and a few others. Emily. All of them are helping me out, one way or another, willingly or not knowing it. Some more than others. But that's another entry.