(no subject)
I keep toying with the idea of o.d.ing. I keep letting people know I'm toying with the idea of o.d.ing. Oh look, now you know. It's horrible. I'm not a fan of suicide. I've stopped so many from choosing that path and continue to hold that role for certain people. I'm not a fan of hypocrisy but I feel myself sliding toward it.
And I can understand almost.
Almost.
And life really isn't that bad. If you look at it in relative terms. But when you put what I have under a microscope or all by itself on a cutting board, it's really too much to deal with sometimes.
There is a better solution of course.
Moving out
Would solve
Everything.
I know it. You know it. We all know it.
But its not that easy.
Becoming legal during the summer months is incredibly frustrating.
I often sympathize with Macbeth.
Macbeth contemplated suicide.
Yet, he decided againt it Why?
Because he was more scared of what might have been in store for him on "the other side" then what already faced him on "this side."
As one with no religious affirmation, and a very skeptic and almost atheistic self, I don't normally give a rat's ass about "the other side."
But what if? And what if their is some odd punishment for those that decide to off themselves? And what if that punishment is they get to view their family and friends go off and do their own things and view the life they could have had, the life they gave up?
That is what I'm afraid of.
Conscious regret, conscious frustration, conscious dying. Continually. Spirally. No actual end.
That is way to much to bear.
So my decision is no. I. will. not. o.d.
But I can fantasize about it, can't I?
After all, I'm only human.
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Oh and I lost my cell phone. So if I have not yet memorized your number, then I can't call you. So please bear with me. I have not forgotten you. And I am not dead.
And I can understand almost.
Almost.
And life really isn't that bad. If you look at it in relative terms. But when you put what I have under a microscope or all by itself on a cutting board, it's really too much to deal with sometimes.
There is a better solution of course.
Moving out
Would solve
Everything.
I know it. You know it. We all know it.
But its not that easy.
Becoming legal during the summer months is incredibly frustrating.
I often sympathize with Macbeth.
Macbeth contemplated suicide.
Yet, he decided againt it Why?
Because he was more scared of what might have been in store for him on "the other side" then what already faced him on "this side."
As one with no religious affirmation, and a very skeptic and almost atheistic self, I don't normally give a rat's ass about "the other side."
But what if? And what if their is some odd punishment for those that decide to off themselves? And what if that punishment is they get to view their family and friends go off and do their own things and view the life they could have had, the life they gave up?
That is what I'm afraid of.
Conscious regret, conscious frustration, conscious dying. Continually. Spirally. No actual end.
That is way to much to bear.
So my decision is no. I. will. not. o.d.
But I can fantasize about it, can't I?
After all, I'm only human.
``````````````````````````````````````
Oh and I lost my cell phone. So if I have not yet memorized your number, then I can't call you. So please bear with me. I have not forgotten you. And I am not dead.