(no subject)
i went up stairs and fell asleep for a couple of hours,had a dream that J had broken up with me but i had vic there and we went to find some shoes,was odd,but i got to see J and it was all good. I woke up forgetting what had happened in reality, it soon hit me when i looked up and spotted one of his pictures.Hes so gorgeous.
Mum started shouting up to me that tea was ready but i couldnt face going down not in the state i was in,she eventually came up and saw me in tears, i told her what had happened. she brought tea up to me and sat with me for about 3 hours. I told her how i had no idea what he was going through etc, she told me that when her boyfriend jon was depressed they'd split up for a little while so he could get stuff sorted and that she kept telling herself that "everything was going to be alright" I wish i could believe that. i wish that we could get back together,i keep thinking oh we'll get back together but what if it doesnt happen like that? what if hes had his fill of me and doesnt want me back? i'll wait for him,i will, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many months it takes,i want that guy.
i have also decided i dont want to go to university , i dont. I have no idea what i'll do instead but it just doesnt appeal to me.
i've never poured my heart out to my mum before,i let her know how i feel about my life, pretty much that it sucks, she said "do you feel that you've been through enough in your life that it just seems so unfare?" and im like yes,i do. she has the same out look on life as me, that everything just goes wrong that she gets suspicious when things go right and that it'll all come crashing down, we're pessimistic us lot but its true.
its really hit me hard,i keep seeing people kissing on the tv and i just want to be kissed by J. I dont get to kiss him,touch him,see his gorgeous body,i love his arms and back,the little freckles heh oh im pathetic, this is just amazingly un real it really is,
why the FUCK do i have to fucking go through this?!?!?!? been crying for 12 hours now.
vic phoned,said we'll meet up tomorrow.
i feel so crap. i keep thinking i must have done something wrong and that im shit, mum and others assure me that its all in J's head , its him who needs to sort himself out first , and that depression makes people push away the people you love.
mum said that when spike milligan got his depression he wanted nothing to do with his wife and kids. I just want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright.
the things that terrify me at the moment are that he'll do something stupid and that he'll find a new girlfriend , or that i wont get to see him as much as i'd like to and he'll forget about me ,i dont want him to forget about me, 2 months and 12 days we were together officially,doesnt sound long does it? its enough for me to become attached. it was the best summer ever. i miss him.
Mum started shouting up to me that tea was ready but i couldnt face going down not in the state i was in,she eventually came up and saw me in tears, i told her what had happened. she brought tea up to me and sat with me for about 3 hours. I told her how i had no idea what he was going through etc, she told me that when her boyfriend jon was depressed they'd split up for a little while so he could get stuff sorted and that she kept telling herself that "everything was going to be alright" I wish i could believe that. i wish that we could get back together,i keep thinking oh we'll get back together but what if it doesnt happen like that? what if hes had his fill of me and doesnt want me back? i'll wait for him,i will, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many months it takes,i want that guy.
i have also decided i dont want to go to university , i dont. I have no idea what i'll do instead but it just doesnt appeal to me.
i've never poured my heart out to my mum before,i let her know how i feel about my life, pretty much that it sucks, she said "do you feel that you've been through enough in your life that it just seems so unfare?" and im like yes,i do. she has the same out look on life as me, that everything just goes wrong that she gets suspicious when things go right and that it'll all come crashing down, we're pessimistic us lot but its true.
its really hit me hard,i keep seeing people kissing on the tv and i just want to be kissed by J. I dont get to kiss him,touch him,see his gorgeous body,i love his arms and back,the little freckles heh oh im pathetic, this is just amazingly un real it really is,
why the FUCK do i have to fucking go through this?!?!?!? been crying for 12 hours now.
vic phoned,said we'll meet up tomorrow.
i feel so crap. i keep thinking i must have done something wrong and that im shit, mum and others assure me that its all in J's head , its him who needs to sort himself out first , and that depression makes people push away the people you love.
mum said that when spike milligan got his depression he wanted nothing to do with his wife and kids. I just want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright.
the things that terrify me at the moment are that he'll do something stupid and that he'll find a new girlfriend , or that i wont get to see him as much as i'd like to and he'll forget about me ,i dont want him to forget about me, 2 months and 12 days we were together officially,doesnt sound long does it? its enough for me to become attached. it was the best summer ever. i miss him.