(no subject)
9/14/05 12:55 a.m.
My head always says… well, actually, my head doesn’t say shit. I seem to think that I’m on top of the pile. Ahead of the curve, beyond the boundaries, past the starting gate and pressing through the smaller crowd, I’m an idiot. It’s always me that has to come out of an argument, and it’s always me that gets to feel bad in the end. Well, what do you think this is? It’s just my own self-pity, telling myself how worthless and stupid I am so as that I can have an excuse for my actions. In reality however, I’m completely aware of my actions, I don’t care how many people it hurts, and I don’t ever want to take responsibility for my actions. I’m a puss, so what if I can face down someone physically, if there’s ever any time when my own mistakes catch up to me, I freeze. I can’t take it when I have to admit to lies, because that proves my weakness. You begin to wonder if you can even hack it. Nobody wants to end up like the sobby little kid with a death metal shirt on at his funeral. Whose friends all mourn his passing, the kid who couldn’t deal with anxiety, stress, and other words to explain only the easiest points in anybody’s life. I use an illness diagnosed to me when I was little, probably just to make me feel better, to be able to get angry whenever I want.
But this isn’t about me, oh no. This is about…. Uhm, okay, this is about me. How little patience I have, how little respect, and how little knowledge I have towards the basic way anybody could cope with life. I always thought that I was the one that had it all figured out, and everybody else was behind. Maybe….. Maybe I’m just a jerk, a heartless person who only preys on others to reap their own personal benefits. I mean hell, that’s how I used to describe myself before, maybe I really haven’t changed. I am the pit of self-esteem, silver dagger, satan’s tongue, sack of shit that loves only to always win and never lose. It’s hard to feel bad about how much of a jerk you are when it’s your own fault. Oh well, I don’t seem to care anymore, maybe it’ll catch up to me one day and I’ll be all sad for one day, or maybe those who I’ve hurt will kill me in my sleep, neither would surprise me. It almost makes you want to kill your problems off, even though you created them, the shame is just too much, and like I said before, I’m a puss. You know though, that it would only help for a second, but sometimes that second looks beautiful. The work you’ve put into your life, all gone in a second. One mistake will take you down, and since I’m a puss, I just want the easy way out, kill them. It all starts to make sense, the pieces slide into place, and the bolt is locked. All until you begin to over assess the situation. You find the end is near, and you’re still a puss, so comes one more obstacle you can’t overcome. Let’s count it now:
1. Lies
2. relationships
3. trust
4. my ego
5. my outlook
6. my hate
7. decisions
8. life in general
9. love
10. fear
11. patience
12. pressure
13. greed
14. sadness
So now I have all of those things that I just can’t hack through, who the fuck would put up with my bullshit, scratch that, who the fuck should put up with my horrid bullshit. No one, and that’s how I come to the solution I see now, and although it’s not what I want… and nothing ever will be. I should be alone, away from anyone my stupidity can affect, I shouldn’t be given a choice to anything, because my reasoning and decision making skills are obviously way under par. So I should just go into seclusion, cut off contact, and hide from my shame like the worm I was born as, and the puss I’ve become.
My head always says… well, actually, my head doesn’t say shit. I seem to think that I’m on top of the pile. Ahead of the curve, beyond the boundaries, past the starting gate and pressing through the smaller crowd, I’m an idiot. It’s always me that has to come out of an argument, and it’s always me that gets to feel bad in the end. Well, what do you think this is? It’s just my own self-pity, telling myself how worthless and stupid I am so as that I can have an excuse for my actions. In reality however, I’m completely aware of my actions, I don’t care how many people it hurts, and I don’t ever want to take responsibility for my actions. I’m a puss, so what if I can face down someone physically, if there’s ever any time when my own mistakes catch up to me, I freeze. I can’t take it when I have to admit to lies, because that proves my weakness. You begin to wonder if you can even hack it. Nobody wants to end up like the sobby little kid with a death metal shirt on at his funeral. Whose friends all mourn his passing, the kid who couldn’t deal with anxiety, stress, and other words to explain only the easiest points in anybody’s life. I use an illness diagnosed to me when I was little, probably just to make me feel better, to be able to get angry whenever I want.
But this isn’t about me, oh no. This is about…. Uhm, okay, this is about me. How little patience I have, how little respect, and how little knowledge I have towards the basic way anybody could cope with life. I always thought that I was the one that had it all figured out, and everybody else was behind. Maybe….. Maybe I’m just a jerk, a heartless person who only preys on others to reap their own personal benefits. I mean hell, that’s how I used to describe myself before, maybe I really haven’t changed. I am the pit of self-esteem, silver dagger, satan’s tongue, sack of shit that loves only to always win and never lose. It’s hard to feel bad about how much of a jerk you are when it’s your own fault. Oh well, I don’t seem to care anymore, maybe it’ll catch up to me one day and I’ll be all sad for one day, or maybe those who I’ve hurt will kill me in my sleep, neither would surprise me. It almost makes you want to kill your problems off, even though you created them, the shame is just too much, and like I said before, I’m a puss. You know though, that it would only help for a second, but sometimes that second looks beautiful. The work you’ve put into your life, all gone in a second. One mistake will take you down, and since I’m a puss, I just want the easy way out, kill them. It all starts to make sense, the pieces slide into place, and the bolt is locked. All until you begin to over assess the situation. You find the end is near, and you’re still a puss, so comes one more obstacle you can’t overcome. Let’s count it now:
1. Lies
2. relationships
3. trust
4. my ego
5. my outlook
6. my hate
7. decisions
8. life in general
9. love
10. fear
11. patience
12. pressure
13. greed
14. sadness
So now I have all of those things that I just can’t hack through, who the fuck would put up with my bullshit, scratch that, who the fuck should put up with my horrid bullshit. No one, and that’s how I come to the solution I see now, and although it’s not what I want… and nothing ever will be. I should be alone, away from anyone my stupidity can affect, I shouldn’t be given a choice to anything, because my reasoning and decision making skills are obviously way under par. So I should just go into seclusion, cut off contact, and hide from my shame like the worm I was born as, and the puss I’ve become.