summer time sadness
Man this weekend has just been really shitty. I've been grinding my teeth so my mouth hurts like a motherfucker because I'm sure I have twenty cavaties that need filled or teeth that need pulled but I don't have the money to fuck with that right now. So I keep popping tylenol. I'm pretty sure that's only going to work for so long but o well.
Next week is like the week before Christmas right? nine days until Christmas. This is INCREDIBLY depressing to me. I fucking hate Christmas. I really tried to like it. But how much can I like it this year when I'm a jobless failure mess? I don't want to be around people. I just want to sleep and do nothing. At least week I will find out I didn't get that other job and or that I didn't get those short term disability things thanks to asshole cassone. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. And of course my asshole family one family out on my mom's side always stops in around Christmas and expects everyone to drop everything they are doing and hang out with them. Now that my Uncle and Aunt know I've basically been sacked except that I can't even file for unemployment because I haven't been paid in a fucking month. Yeah that's really what I want to fucking discuss with everyone/
Then of course this year everyone is exchanging gifts on my mom side. Which I cannot do and couldn't even if I WAS working because there are a ridiculous amount of people on my mom side (ie six bothers and sisters, their wives and husbands, cousins, etc) like no one has that kind of money we are talking an additional like thirty people it all being said and done. And I get to feel like the asshole failure when people get me shit and at almost fucking 32 I can't even afford RENT let alone getting gifts for people.
That's another thing I'm turning 32 very soon. And I just want to fucking shoot myself. Birthdays are hard for me anyway because to me they just signify that I'm a fucking failure and another year has been ticked off. I'm fat, unemployed, uncontrolled bipolar, single with absolutely no chance of meeting someone let alone mutually liking someone. Fucking assholes at UHC may they burn in hell. Also, this lady at work sent me all this stuff which was nice and a card with twenty dollars in it but I barely know her. And I feel super uncomfortable about the whole thing. I feel insanely uncomfortable that everyone knows that I left there such a big fucking mess.
I don't think I'm getting this new job cause no way I'm making it past background and credit checks but even if I do the thought of starting another mindless completely unfullfilling job just sort of makes me want to kill myself. I went shopping with my mother for CHristmas today and pretty much it depressed me so much that I thought again that maybe the hospital was a good option. Maybe I'm not ready to go back into regular society. And this goddamned winter I feel like I'm going insane looking at all this snow. It's making me really upset. I fucking hate my life. Living in this piece of shit never meeting anyone living in my room by myself.
Literally last week I layed in bed all week. My sleep schedule is completely fucked. I have nothing to do. Nothing. Wow was a bust not that I can play that because my other computer is broken (which yeah i get to deal with tomorrow! i'm sure that will go super smoothly!) And there is nothing but waiting to see if I got another shitty job or if I got benefits and am beholden to that evil motherfuckers until I get another job or if I have to apply for some sort of social assistance which ALSO takes time. No matter which way you look at it none of these things are good. I still not well. I hate myself. And right now I just really want to slice open my arm again. My arms are starting to finally look a little more healed but I'm sure I have a bunch of scars now. I feel like adding a few more because I'm just still in that trapped bullshit.
And let's face things rationally, I'm nowhere near better let alone strong, or rebloomy. I'm mired in fucking mud o snow whatever. I hate everything. There's no reason for me to be even awake anymore. And nothing that is going to happen in the next week is going to be anything that is good. Because no matter what I'm fucked in non pleasant ways.
I just keep watching the video for summertime sadness where lana del rey throws herself off a bridge? I think of some sort. You know that classic hitchcock shot from veritgo used in a hundred different things where the person falls flat away from the camera. It always fascinated me. But now I just keep wishing that I'd had the courage to do that a long time ago or had the courage to do it now. I just don't think I can get past that or that anything is going to change for the better for me. I spent a large portion of today crying and sleeping intermittenly.. And now I get to be up until god only knows until my body lets me sleep. I tried to play sims but this motherfucking computer isn't letting me do things right on it plus it keeps getting hot and shutting off.
i really wish i were dead.
Next week is like the week before Christmas right? nine days until Christmas. This is INCREDIBLY depressing to me. I fucking hate Christmas. I really tried to like it. But how much can I like it this year when I'm a jobless failure mess? I don't want to be around people. I just want to sleep and do nothing. At least week I will find out I didn't get that other job and or that I didn't get those short term disability things thanks to asshole cassone. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. And of course my asshole family one family out on my mom's side always stops in around Christmas and expects everyone to drop everything they are doing and hang out with them. Now that my Uncle and Aunt know I've basically been sacked except that I can't even file for unemployment because I haven't been paid in a fucking month. Yeah that's really what I want to fucking discuss with everyone/
Then of course this year everyone is exchanging gifts on my mom side. Which I cannot do and couldn't even if I WAS working because there are a ridiculous amount of people on my mom side (ie six bothers and sisters, their wives and husbands, cousins, etc) like no one has that kind of money we are talking an additional like thirty people it all being said and done. And I get to feel like the asshole failure when people get me shit and at almost fucking 32 I can't even afford RENT let alone getting gifts for people.
That's another thing I'm turning 32 very soon. And I just want to fucking shoot myself. Birthdays are hard for me anyway because to me they just signify that I'm a fucking failure and another year has been ticked off. I'm fat, unemployed, uncontrolled bipolar, single with absolutely no chance of meeting someone let alone mutually liking someone. Fucking assholes at UHC may they burn in hell. Also, this lady at work sent me all this stuff which was nice and a card with twenty dollars in it but I barely know her. And I feel super uncomfortable about the whole thing. I feel insanely uncomfortable that everyone knows that I left there such a big fucking mess.
I don't think I'm getting this new job cause no way I'm making it past background and credit checks but even if I do the thought of starting another mindless completely unfullfilling job just sort of makes me want to kill myself. I went shopping with my mother for CHristmas today and pretty much it depressed me so much that I thought again that maybe the hospital was a good option. Maybe I'm not ready to go back into regular society. And this goddamned winter I feel like I'm going insane looking at all this snow. It's making me really upset. I fucking hate my life. Living in this piece of shit never meeting anyone living in my room by myself.
Literally last week I layed in bed all week. My sleep schedule is completely fucked. I have nothing to do. Nothing. Wow was a bust not that I can play that because my other computer is broken (which yeah i get to deal with tomorrow! i'm sure that will go super smoothly!) And there is nothing but waiting to see if I got another shitty job or if I got benefits and am beholden to that evil motherfuckers until I get another job or if I have to apply for some sort of social assistance which ALSO takes time. No matter which way you look at it none of these things are good. I still not well. I hate myself. And right now I just really want to slice open my arm again. My arms are starting to finally look a little more healed but I'm sure I have a bunch of scars now. I feel like adding a few more because I'm just still in that trapped bullshit.
And let's face things rationally, I'm nowhere near better let alone strong, or rebloomy. I'm mired in fucking mud o snow whatever. I hate everything. There's no reason for me to be even awake anymore. And nothing that is going to happen in the next week is going to be anything that is good. Because no matter what I'm fucked in non pleasant ways.
I just keep watching the video for summertime sadness where lana del rey throws herself off a bridge? I think of some sort. You know that classic hitchcock shot from veritgo used in a hundred different things where the person falls flat away from the camera. It always fascinated me. But now I just keep wishing that I'd had the courage to do that a long time ago or had the courage to do it now. I just don't think I can get past that or that anything is going to change for the better for me. I spent a large portion of today crying and sleeping intermittenly.. And now I get to be up until god only knows until my body lets me sleep. I tried to play sims but this motherfucking computer isn't letting me do things right on it plus it keeps getting hot and shutting off.
i really wish i were dead.