........
my father in law is dead. not my husbands dad, but his moms husband. his name was dallas. he was an ex- navy captain. he was morman. and i loved him very much.
I have had family members die. it was always sad. i realize now that my grief was a reflection of what those around me were feeling. those distant figures that passed were tragic, true. still- they were voices over the phone and faces in dusty photos. unreal. now i see the only true emotion i felt was regret. regret that i did'nt know them and now never would.
this is different.
i won't give the details. we are here. in his home. his house that is suddenly empty. not of anything material. but lacking. the way you feel when the sun is warming you on a quiet afternoon, then you realize that its cold and dim. the sun has moved on without a whisper, leaving you bereft of light and warmth.
i have cried out my grief. screamed and wailed it to the dark. i took that well of anger and dissatisfaction and sorrow growing in the middle of my chest and flung it outward. for myself. for my comfort. it is what i was taught to do in times like these, and never did. i never felt it before. his family would'nt understand a display like that. it would be out of place and awkward. now that i have poured out my grief, the hole it left is fast refilling with the familiar empathy. stronger now that it is a reflection from people i love dearly.
this is just the beginning the viewing and funeral are yet to come. then years of adjusting. stretching and growing to fill the space he left. i will try to be supportive of those more effected than i.
I have had family members die. it was always sad. i realize now that my grief was a reflection of what those around me were feeling. those distant figures that passed were tragic, true. still- they were voices over the phone and faces in dusty photos. unreal. now i see the only true emotion i felt was regret. regret that i did'nt know them and now never would.
this is different.
i won't give the details. we are here. in his home. his house that is suddenly empty. not of anything material. but lacking. the way you feel when the sun is warming you on a quiet afternoon, then you realize that its cold and dim. the sun has moved on without a whisper, leaving you bereft of light and warmth.
i have cried out my grief. screamed and wailed it to the dark. i took that well of anger and dissatisfaction and sorrow growing in the middle of my chest and flung it outward. for myself. for my comfort. it is what i was taught to do in times like these, and never did. i never felt it before. his family would'nt understand a display like that. it would be out of place and awkward. now that i have poured out my grief, the hole it left is fast refilling with the familiar empathy. stronger now that it is a reflection from people i love dearly.
this is just the beginning the viewing and funeral are yet to come. then years of adjusting. stretching and growing to fill the space he left. i will try to be supportive of those more effected than i.