(no subject)
today was a pretty good for a bit...hungout with amber, got my secret santa a present, and then we hungout with alex and his brother...then i got home and everything turned to shit...i'm losing all my friends in some way or another...whether its them not hanging out with them for some reason or just the closeness that we once had is gone
i miss when i did have people that i felt safe with
someone that i could tell anything to and know that it would be safe with them
i wish i had a person that i could be myself around all the time and when i feel like shit
theyd be able to see and understand...i used to have that and i gave that all away...in some ways it was a good thing that things happened the way they did...but on the other hand i miss the way things were in the past...i miss the times where we'd talk all night about nothing at all and how we'd all go on mini road trips
i miss having friends like that
i miss feeling part of something
i dont know how to get that back with anyone...i feel alone even though i'm not and i dont know how to make that stop...i dont know how to be happy anymore...i was talkin to a friend and they asked me whats wrong and i said nothing i just want to die and when they came out it made no sense and it scared me
i dont know how to be good at anything anymore...i'm so confused about everything...i dont even know if i really want to do photography anymore...i'm not gifted in the ways that i see in true photographers
and i fucked myself over to the point that i cant do anything else...i feel like i'm lost...i dont know what to do anymore...everytime i think about college i start crying cause i dont know anymore
and i have no one to tell that to that would understand...i want to be able to get things straight in my head ...to know what i want to do with my life and to be wanted by someone...and none of that will happen anytime soon
and what scares me even more is that fact that i smoke way to much...i know i can stop...i konw i have it in me...but when things get rough i feel like i need one...i get all worked up and i cant breath...that scares me that it feels like i cant even control myself...i cant even control myself from having break downs...sometimes i come home and i just start crying and i have no idea why...i try and stop crying but when i try and stop myself i cry even harder...i dont know whats wrong with me...i dont know what i'm doing wrong to feel this way
i dont know anymore
i'm done
i miss when i did have people that i felt safe with
someone that i could tell anything to and know that it would be safe with them
i wish i had a person that i could be myself around all the time and when i feel like shit
theyd be able to see and understand...i used to have that and i gave that all away...in some ways it was a good thing that things happened the way they did...but on the other hand i miss the way things were in the past...i miss the times where we'd talk all night about nothing at all and how we'd all go on mini road trips
i miss having friends like that
i miss feeling part of something
i dont know how to get that back with anyone...i feel alone even though i'm not and i dont know how to make that stop...i dont know how to be happy anymore...i was talkin to a friend and they asked me whats wrong and i said nothing i just want to die and when they came out it made no sense and it scared me
i dont know how to be good at anything anymore...i'm so confused about everything...i dont even know if i really want to do photography anymore...i'm not gifted in the ways that i see in true photographers
and i fucked myself over to the point that i cant do anything else...i feel like i'm lost...i dont know what to do anymore...everytime i think about college i start crying cause i dont know anymore
and i have no one to tell that to that would understand...i want to be able to get things straight in my head ...to know what i want to do with my life and to be wanted by someone...and none of that will happen anytime soon
and what scares me even more is that fact that i smoke way to much...i know i can stop...i konw i have it in me...but when things get rough i feel like i need one...i get all worked up and i cant breath...that scares me that it feels like i cant even control myself...i cant even control myself from having break downs...sometimes i come home and i just start crying and i have no idea why...i try and stop crying but when i try and stop myself i cry even harder...i dont know whats wrong with me...i dont know what i'm doing wrong to feel this way
i dont know anymore
i'm done