The Most Influential Teacher In My Life
By Dead Redead,
with apologies to Mark Antony and/or Shakespeare.
My current history teacher has been the most influential teacher in my life. He is obese, narcoleptic, with such a loose grasp on the English language that he is incapable of spelling anything more difficult than the word 'cat'. However, that does not matter, for he is still a great man.
You might ask me how I know he is narcoleptic. Well, I know he is narcoleptic because once, when he was screaming at his PE class (he is also a PE coach), he fell asleep, snoring midway. Suddenly, after a few titterings from the confused freshmen, he snapped his eyes open again. He had trouble recollecting composure, and for a moment, thought he was speaking to his wife or some other poor soul. However, I did hear this 'falling asleep 'story from someone else, so maybe rumors of his narcolepsy are not true.
But in history class one day, when we were giving Oral Presentations on our 'family history', a period in which I spent trying very hard not to sleep, for disrespect of such degree would cost participation points, I saw that my history teacher was also snoozing quite comfortably in his suede chair, ignoring the presenter, a nervous, weedy boy who looked as if he had just pissed his pants.
That does not prove his is narcoleptic, you might say, but I disagree. A teacher would not sleep in class for no reason unless he was a fucking idiot. So because my current history teacher is a great man, and definitely not a fucking idiot, he had to sleep because he had no choice since he is narcoleptic.
You also might say that my teacher probably has no right to teach students if he does not even know the plural form of the word 'day'. But he does not teach literature, he teaches history, and despite being 42 with family who's been living in the United States for 3 generations, it is okay if he does not know that you should only capitalize words in a sentence if they are pronouns, like 'Mary' or 'San Francisco', but not 'teacher' or 'instructor' or 'cat', regardless of how important they may seem. However, he did assign us a book to read for history class, and we have reading quizzes from Sparknotes almost daily, just like English. But that is okay, for he is a great man, and a great man would not assign us a book that should be read in English with no reason.
It is also okay if he enunciates words, like 'hypocrisy' and 'chocolate', wrong and believes that Fox News is a valid source to get information from. For he is an honorable man, and he would not suggest to take our current news cues from a channel with Glenn Beck on it without a decent reason. You might say, after observing a class, that he emphasizes arbitrary words and his voice is too loud. But you see, my history teacher only does that because he wants us to hear better in the small room that has never once echoed before until now. And even though I need to cover my ears to hear him properly, he is only looking out for our best interests. He is certainly not near deaf, as you may suggest, for he is a great teacher with great intelligence.
You might also consider him narcissistic, after listening to him gab on and on about his family and his likes and dislikes and hobbies. But that is not so. As I watched the minute hand of the large and looming clock spin around 34 times, I learned very much about my teacher in that period, information that had no relevance at all to the Allies, the rise of the Third Reich, or how the Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was shot with his beloved, which was what we were supposed to be learning. However, the lesson about his grandparents were coal miners and that his grandmother was named Mary Hilligins was very interesting, and I did not snore or drool on my desk as you may suspect. For he is a great and honorable man, and I would not dare to sleep in his class.
And despite being obese with lots of bodily hair on the red flesh of his stomach (a part I could see every time he raised his hands to scratch his pits), he is also a very appealing person. So appealing, in fact, that despite being quite a normal girl with tastes for hot men, I found the weedy boy who looked as if he had pissed his pants immensely attractive during our classes together, and even contemplated making out with him right there and then. However, such a fleeting lust always passed, and my fiery loins ceased to burn after I exited my classroom and away from my great and honorable history teacher.
You also might comment that being obese, he should not teach or coach PE. Nonsense, of course. For you do not need great intelligence to teach PE, for teaching PE merely requires the teacher to sit in their piggy little shorts and scream loudly, spittle flying, while the poor children run laps and laps around the school. My history teacher greatly excels at such a task. And while other teachers, such as the lovely Ms. S has a lean and fit body and often runs the obligatory 3.6 miles with the students, she is not as good or as awesome as my great history teacher who often parks himself on the curb watching the crying students panting and crawling, for fear of embarrassing himself as he dripped buckets of sweat and B.O. every 1/100 of a mile.
So you see, he is a great man.
Although this nay but a short list of my history teacher's redeeming qualities, and I could list more, I hope you are convinced that my history teacher has been the most influential teacher I have ever had the great fortune to learn from. He will provide many funny and lulzy bar stories in the future when I am 21 and am talking to my drunk schoolmates about pointless teachers who lowered our IQs the longer we listened. This will help me and my collegiate schoolmates bond over our shared hatred for the educational system. And thus, I will have many connections when I enter the working world and thus, providing me with many places to crash when I am pissed off at my roommate.
And that concludes by brief essay. I hope you enjoyed reading about my great and honorable history teacher, Mr. F, the most influential teacher in my life. Thank you.
--
Yeah, yeah, I may complain a lot, and most of the time I'm just being a whiny teenager.
But this time, I feel completely and rightly justified in my words.
with apologies to Mark Antony and/or Shakespeare.
My current history teacher has been the most influential teacher in my life. He is obese, narcoleptic, with such a loose grasp on the English language that he is incapable of spelling anything more difficult than the word 'cat'. However, that does not matter, for he is still a great man.
You might ask me how I know he is narcoleptic. Well, I know he is narcoleptic because once, when he was screaming at his PE class (he is also a PE coach), he fell asleep, snoring midway. Suddenly, after a few titterings from the confused freshmen, he snapped his eyes open again. He had trouble recollecting composure, and for a moment, thought he was speaking to his wife or some other poor soul. However, I did hear this 'falling asleep 'story from someone else, so maybe rumors of his narcolepsy are not true.
But in history class one day, when we were giving Oral Presentations on our 'family history', a period in which I spent trying very hard not to sleep, for disrespect of such degree would cost participation points, I saw that my history teacher was also snoozing quite comfortably in his suede chair, ignoring the presenter, a nervous, weedy boy who looked as if he had just pissed his pants.
That does not prove his is narcoleptic, you might say, but I disagree. A teacher would not sleep in class for no reason unless he was a fucking idiot. So because my current history teacher is a great man, and definitely not a fucking idiot, he had to sleep because he had no choice since he is narcoleptic.
You also might say that my teacher probably has no right to teach students if he does not even know the plural form of the word 'day'. But he does not teach literature, he teaches history, and despite being 42 with family who's been living in the United States for 3 generations, it is okay if he does not know that you should only capitalize words in a sentence if they are pronouns, like 'Mary' or 'San Francisco', but not 'teacher' or 'instructor' or 'cat', regardless of how important they may seem. However, he did assign us a book to read for history class, and we have reading quizzes from Sparknotes almost daily, just like English. But that is okay, for he is a great man, and a great man would not assign us a book that should be read in English with no reason.
It is also okay if he enunciates words, like 'hypocrisy' and 'chocolate', wrong and believes that Fox News is a valid source to get information from. For he is an honorable man, and he would not suggest to take our current news cues from a channel with Glenn Beck on it without a decent reason. You might say, after observing a class, that he emphasizes arbitrary words and his voice is too loud. But you see, my history teacher only does that because he wants us to hear better in the small room that has never once echoed before until now. And even though I need to cover my ears to hear him properly, he is only looking out for our best interests. He is certainly not near deaf, as you may suggest, for he is a great teacher with great intelligence.
You might also consider him narcissistic, after listening to him gab on and on about his family and his likes and dislikes and hobbies. But that is not so. As I watched the minute hand of the large and looming clock spin around 34 times, I learned very much about my teacher in that period, information that had no relevance at all to the Allies, the rise of the Third Reich, or how the Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was shot with his beloved, which was what we were supposed to be learning. However, the lesson about his grandparents were coal miners and that his grandmother was named Mary Hilligins was very interesting, and I did not snore or drool on my desk as you may suspect. For he is a great and honorable man, and I would not dare to sleep in his class.
And despite being obese with lots of bodily hair on the red flesh of his stomach (a part I could see every time he raised his hands to scratch his pits), he is also a very appealing person. So appealing, in fact, that despite being quite a normal girl with tastes for hot men, I found the weedy boy who looked as if he had pissed his pants immensely attractive during our classes together, and even contemplated making out with him right there and then. However, such a fleeting lust always passed, and my fiery loins ceased to burn after I exited my classroom and away from my great and honorable history teacher.
You also might comment that being obese, he should not teach or coach PE. Nonsense, of course. For you do not need great intelligence to teach PE, for teaching PE merely requires the teacher to sit in their piggy little shorts and scream loudly, spittle flying, while the poor children run laps and laps around the school. My history teacher greatly excels at such a task. And while other teachers, such as the lovely Ms. S has a lean and fit body and often runs the obligatory 3.6 miles with the students, she is not as good or as awesome as my great history teacher who often parks himself on the curb watching the crying students panting and crawling, for fear of embarrassing himself as he dripped buckets of sweat and B.O. every 1/100 of a mile.
So you see, he is a great man.
Although this nay but a short list of my history teacher's redeeming qualities, and I could list more, I hope you are convinced that my history teacher has been the most influential teacher I have ever had the great fortune to learn from. He will provide many funny and lulzy bar stories in the future when I am 21 and am talking to my drunk schoolmates about pointless teachers who lowered our IQs the longer we listened. This will help me and my collegiate schoolmates bond over our shared hatred for the educational system. And thus, I will have many connections when I enter the working world and thus, providing me with many places to crash when I am pissed off at my roommate.
And that concludes by brief essay. I hope you enjoyed reading about my great and honorable history teacher, Mr. F, the most influential teacher in my life. Thank you.
--
Yeah, yeah, I may complain a lot, and most of the time I'm just being a whiny teenager.
But this time, I feel completely and rightly justified in my words.