(no subject)
i love the fuck you song, by the craig and keith show. they never became a big band. you know that band that was by the creators of mall monkeys? i mean theyre not together anymore but ive always liked that band.
anyway so ive been feeling really lonely in the past hour or so. is that weird? i get lonely a lot. i really shouldnt, but...i do. i get to thinking, what am i doing home alone right now? what am i doing watching tv right now? why arent i ANYWHERE else? with my friends? with anyone else, aside from my family? i dont know. i force myself to be a major loner and then cringe at the consequences. you know that sinking feeling you get when you see someone you know in the hall and so you say, hi buddy or whatever to that person or the persons name and they dont say hi back or they look at you and then away? well maybe you dont but thats a shitty feeling. anyway thats similar to the feeling i get whenever i force myself to go out places where i know i dont know anyone. yet i do it anyway. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, why cant i be a normal 16 year old and stress out about normal 16 year old things? i mean...i guess when i think about it im totally not normal. i mean even my friends say im so weird and they love me for that or whatever but i dont know if i do i really dont know anymore i just want to fit in. but then i dont want to fit in. but i do. but i dont. but i do. but i dont know what i want and i guess thats a part of growing up. i guess if i truly wanted to fit in i'd just go along with the whole stereotypical black teenager thing. even my family doesnt understand i mean theyre totally confused with the whole punk infatuation thing. ive tried listening to rap, ive tried listening to r&b and hip hop. and its not even like anyones trying to force feed that shit to me. its just not me and i dont know why thats not me i mean...why not. though i do like some reggae. i get myself so friggen upset because i guess sometimes when youre half and half of something you dont really feel like you fit in...i mean i know i dont feel like i fit in anywhere, maybe not because im half white so much as because i have this really weird feeling that im automatically not accepted when people look at me?
im just insecure. really really really insecure. im the most insecure person i know. im a sensitive insecure person and thats a dangerous combo because im always paranoid and my feelings get hurt easily. i mean half the time when my friends hurt my feelings they dont even know because ill laugh or smile and shit but sometimes...they do. i guess that happens when people tease me about stuff im insecure about. actually i dont mind all that much...just...a little bit, sometimes. when they do it toooooo much and i have like no self-esteem left.
and i cant write. i would blame it on the season, but its not Summer's fault that i cant write. its my fault. lack of creativity or whatever. wow i cant believe what a shitty mood ive dragged myself into just by typing in here. i suppose spilling my guts online isnt worth much but right now i dont feel better doing it. not that anyone is actually going to be reading this shit, maybe like 2 people actually read this. well. i started writing something:
I go out on a limb
The bones in that limb shatter
My premise is in ruins
And white flag? In tatters.
Heart on a sleeve
And when that sleeve rips
So does my heart
Into shadows it slips
Friends say that they understand
But if that were true
They'd leave me alone
With my thoughts of you
Im not putting the rest online i mean the rest is just TOO personal. im going to listen to reel big fish now and be cheered up. ska does wonders for the soul. lol yeah im not a big ska fan but come on its such happy music that listening to it cant help but make a person feel better.
~that girl with the glasses from scooby doo
anyway so ive been feeling really lonely in the past hour or so. is that weird? i get lonely a lot. i really shouldnt, but...i do. i get to thinking, what am i doing home alone right now? what am i doing watching tv right now? why arent i ANYWHERE else? with my friends? with anyone else, aside from my family? i dont know. i force myself to be a major loner and then cringe at the consequences. you know that sinking feeling you get when you see someone you know in the hall and so you say, hi buddy or whatever to that person or the persons name and they dont say hi back or they look at you and then away? well maybe you dont but thats a shitty feeling. anyway thats similar to the feeling i get whenever i force myself to go out places where i know i dont know anyone. yet i do it anyway. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, why cant i be a normal 16 year old and stress out about normal 16 year old things? i mean...i guess when i think about it im totally not normal. i mean even my friends say im so weird and they love me for that or whatever but i dont know if i do i really dont know anymore i just want to fit in. but then i dont want to fit in. but i do. but i dont. but i do. but i dont know what i want and i guess thats a part of growing up. i guess if i truly wanted to fit in i'd just go along with the whole stereotypical black teenager thing. even my family doesnt understand i mean theyre totally confused with the whole punk infatuation thing. ive tried listening to rap, ive tried listening to r&b and hip hop. and its not even like anyones trying to force feed that shit to me. its just not me and i dont know why thats not me i mean...why not. though i do like some reggae. i get myself so friggen upset because i guess sometimes when youre half and half of something you dont really feel like you fit in...i mean i know i dont feel like i fit in anywhere, maybe not because im half white so much as because i have this really weird feeling that im automatically not accepted when people look at me?
im just insecure. really really really insecure. im the most insecure person i know. im a sensitive insecure person and thats a dangerous combo because im always paranoid and my feelings get hurt easily. i mean half the time when my friends hurt my feelings they dont even know because ill laugh or smile and shit but sometimes...they do. i guess that happens when people tease me about stuff im insecure about. actually i dont mind all that much...just...a little bit, sometimes. when they do it toooooo much and i have like no self-esteem left.
and i cant write. i would blame it on the season, but its not Summer's fault that i cant write. its my fault. lack of creativity or whatever. wow i cant believe what a shitty mood ive dragged myself into just by typing in here. i suppose spilling my guts online isnt worth much but right now i dont feel better doing it. not that anyone is actually going to be reading this shit, maybe like 2 people actually read this. well. i started writing something:
I go out on a limb
The bones in that limb shatter
My premise is in ruins
And white flag? In tatters.
Heart on a sleeve
And when that sleeve rips
So does my heart
Into shadows it slips
Friends say that they understand
But if that were true
They'd leave me alone
With my thoughts of you
Im not putting the rest online i mean the rest is just TOO personal. im going to listen to reel big fish now and be cheered up. ska does wonders for the soul. lol yeah im not a big ska fan but come on its such happy music that listening to it cant help but make a person feel better.
~that girl with the glasses from scooby doo