Shine bright, my love! because i'm fucking done with it! ya feel me?
i see the blood all over your hands...
How is it that this one person can have this much control on my life, soul, and thoughts? i have had other relationships but nothing as heavy as this one. now dont get me wrong im not complaining. well only a little. but who the fuck doesn't complain? it's to the point i don't glance at other men for the fear that i will get caught. i will ask help in a store from a woman or an old man before i even consider a young man. unbelievable. i don't party, go out unless i am with him and then we are with his family. but odd thing is that i love it.. what the hell? who is this person? what have i become and where the fuck did kindra go? am i an old maid already? i don't read a fourth of what i used to. i have lessened my cussing, changed my friends completely. hell i don't have friends. i don't even look the same. people don't even recognize, me now. with my little secretary glasses. hair wrapped in chopsticks, quiet tone and girly tight holy jeans with my little A&E blouse, along with my jewelie flip flops and my stylish belt. what am i? is this a being a girl? i get more compliments. but i used to not care what i looked like or smelled like. never did my nails. i was devoured in my books and tattered spiral notebooks. HAVE I LOST SIGHT OF WHAT, WHO I REALLY AM AND WHAT I ASPIRE TO BE? HAS HE TAKEN MY IDENTITY? SO THIS IS LOVE, BECAUSE I CAN'T DECIPHER IF I LIKE IT OR IF I AM JUST USED TO IT AND COMFORTABLE? BECAUSE I HAVE SLOWLY TAKEN THIS CHANGE OVER 7 MONTHS. MY ATTITUDE HAS EVEN CHANGED I WON'T FIGHT OR YELL HARDLY EVER. OR STAND UP FOR MY SELF. I HAVE NO HARD SHELL AS I USED TO. i was known as the hard ass. but i know that i do need him in my life. so this is like old couples they have been together so long that they are just comfortable not in love. i know that i am in love. indeed. but our relationship is way advance for our time for being together.. so what is our marriage going to be like? my mom says that we will be very happy and he has changed me for the better. she compares me to him. like he is better, and is my savior. wow, is that backwards.. she only thinks that way because she doesn't know half the shit he has pulled. she is ecstatic about our plans for our future, the service, and the marriage. so why am i questioning it all? maybe it is just me getting carried away with my writing. getting to deep. I KNOW THAT I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANY OTHER GUY THAT I HAVE BEEN WITH (which are many i can now admit, not proudly though). AND IF THERE IS ANOTHER GUY FOR ME. I DON'T WANT TO EVEN TRY TO FIND HIM. I HAVE WHAT I WANT... not everything can be perfect right? tell me one relationship that is. and trust me i will break that one up and take him for myself and run!!!! haha i kind of miss the relationship where we had things in common. like reading. ... now i feel like when i read around him or stutter and get excited over a new book that i am annoying him, and that what i love is not important anymore.but i still sit and act excited when his new video game comes out. whats wrong with that picture? i used to put my writing and books in front of everyone. no they lay on the back burner collecting dust nad so has my writing. it has washed away and lost most of it's color. but then again i always did say things were more poetic in black and white.
---i really just don't want to lose my dreams. i had so many when i was a little girl. specific things that i wanted to do when i got 'big' so why i am still sitting in el paso? what am i waiting on am i scared?---
"Crucify"
Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains
-tori amos
---can you forgive me for who i was
please excuse me for who i am
but embrace me for i want to be
you make this person
i owe this portrait to you
this pain, weakness and love
here, will you hold on to all of it for me
while i find myself
and when my world
stops falling apart
i'll crawl to the surface
wipe the tears
and the past away
i'll come and find you
and take what belongs to me
i'll take my heart
and my love for you back
please my love do throw my pain
and weakness away for me
thank you for waiting on me
and holding up my endless love
next to yours---
-me