Fear and more of it
While fear has had me paralyzed lately. I have pushed through enough to ask for help and to look for a optometrist to see if anything can be done or what is actually going on. While not driving at night has been a nuisance the fact that things are fuzzy altogether is troubling and has made me wonder if I should be driving at all. I drive myself only to work and to class and only during the day but that will stop soon as I have a night class on Tuesdays starting this week. I am mortified. admittedly things are blurry even in the day and to the point where I myself am asking if I feel safe. I would much rather not find out to late that I can't see well enough to drive even if I think I see just good enough to drive.
My mother and I sat and had a huge talk which is big of itself. But she said she didn't want to push me. She wanted me to tell her I was ready to find out. I tried to explain to her that I am not to much afraid of being told that I am loosing my sight, I am more afraid that they wont be able to tell me anything. That they will not be able to tell me why even with my new glasses my vision has become horridly blurry. Most of my medical history being filled with unanswered questions. I can deal with bad news I just hate the No News crap.
I will admit it even if it is hard to admit I am scared, really scared. Not that my eyesight is disintegrating but that they will tell me they cant find a reason why it is. And then look at me like I am nuts, and do nothing. and then I will have to figure something out all on my own. I fear they will look at me and say they cant figure it out and send me on my way, even if I cant read street signs anymore, even if I can't read some Business signs anymore. The fact is that if they suddenly changed the color of stop signs I would be in deep shit. more over when they ask me to read the line on the chart I can read clearly without squinting, I read the second line the one right below that big E but I am squinting even while reading that line even while wearing glasses. that's the sad and scary truth.
My mother and I sat and had a huge talk which is big of itself. But she said she didn't want to push me. She wanted me to tell her I was ready to find out. I tried to explain to her that I am not to much afraid of being told that I am loosing my sight, I am more afraid that they wont be able to tell me anything. That they will not be able to tell me why even with my new glasses my vision has become horridly blurry. Most of my medical history being filled with unanswered questions. I can deal with bad news I just hate the No News crap.
I will admit it even if it is hard to admit I am scared, really scared. Not that my eyesight is disintegrating but that they will tell me they cant find a reason why it is. And then look at me like I am nuts, and do nothing. and then I will have to figure something out all on my own. I fear they will look at me and say they cant figure it out and send me on my way, even if I cant read street signs anymore, even if I can't read some Business signs anymore. The fact is that if they suddenly changed the color of stop signs I would be in deep shit. more over when they ask me to read the line on the chart I can read clearly without squinting, I read the second line the one right below that big E but I am squinting even while reading that line even while wearing glasses. that's the sad and scary truth.