The New Year Same old Fears
I know the title sounds like it has a touch of the usual melancholy and cynicism of my normal entries but I am going to try really hard to not go that way and just simply hand you some mental vomit in which I hope has some form of construction and insight.
The New Years was in and of itself good. If only because I got to see Christy and Dom. Hugs! They make me feel not only loved but needed and that is indeed a feeling I seem to lack lately. This indeed would have been a perfect New Years had I not still felt a little nauseous which kept me from to much merriment, but I am not sure that me avoiding that kind of merriment was not indeed a good thing. I still feel a little under the weather but nothing that Pepto cannot handle.
I have been working really hard at getting everything around for my last few classes and working very hard on keeping my cool and pushing through all the bureaucratic bullshit Baker and lets face it the Cosmos must think I deserve or can handle… Neither of which I am sure is a correct assumption. I try not to think about it because the insidious dark fears which loom in my brain that I normally do everything I can to deny exists have been escaping lately.
I hate large groups of people I loathe having to meet and smooze with people I don’t know and pretend I care. I hate that for the time being the school and the bureaucratic bastards are a necessity I have to deal with. I hate having to sit and smile and pretend that what people are saying is interesting or worse yet that I agree with something when I really don’t. I am so not met for the bureaucratic brown nosing bullshit.
What I really hate is trying to sit here and be patient like I believe that they will do their job. I have done and turned in everything I can do I am waiting on them. I hate having something like my degree being balanced on some one else. I hate having to wait. Not because I am impatient. But because the other factors in the scenario are completely variable. If some bitch has a bad pms day and decides to put my papers through just one day late I am finished. If some one looses my papers, if some one doesn’t do their job then I am affected and while most would say I shouldn’t worry because that probably wont happen and because I should have faith in people…ha ha ha faith in people…that is bullshit right there. I will have faith in them when they actually get the job done. I have been waiting four days for some one to call me back …considering the person I am waiting on said she would contact me that day after she called some people I have no reason to have faith that the job has even been done. see this is the crap swimming in my brain I can do nothing with.
The New Years was in and of itself good. If only because I got to see Christy and Dom. Hugs! They make me feel not only loved but needed and that is indeed a feeling I seem to lack lately. This indeed would have been a perfect New Years had I not still felt a little nauseous which kept me from to much merriment, but I am not sure that me avoiding that kind of merriment was not indeed a good thing. I still feel a little under the weather but nothing that Pepto cannot handle.
I have been working really hard at getting everything around for my last few classes and working very hard on keeping my cool and pushing through all the bureaucratic bullshit Baker and lets face it the Cosmos must think I deserve or can handle… Neither of which I am sure is a correct assumption. I try not to think about it because the insidious dark fears which loom in my brain that I normally do everything I can to deny exists have been escaping lately.
I hate large groups of people I loathe having to meet and smooze with people I don’t know and pretend I care. I hate that for the time being the school and the bureaucratic bastards are a necessity I have to deal with. I hate having to sit and smile and pretend that what people are saying is interesting or worse yet that I agree with something when I really don’t. I am so not met for the bureaucratic brown nosing bullshit.
What I really hate is trying to sit here and be patient like I believe that they will do their job. I have done and turned in everything I can do I am waiting on them. I hate having something like my degree being balanced on some one else. I hate having to wait. Not because I am impatient. But because the other factors in the scenario are completely variable. If some bitch has a bad pms day and decides to put my papers through just one day late I am finished. If some one looses my papers, if some one doesn’t do their job then I am affected and while most would say I shouldn’t worry because that probably wont happen and because I should have faith in people…ha ha ha faith in people…that is bullshit right there. I will have faith in them when they actually get the job done. I have been waiting four days for some one to call me back …considering the person I am waiting on said she would contact me that day after she called some people I have no reason to have faith that the job has even been done. see this is the crap swimming in my brain I can do nothing with.