New scenes for my story
I no longer knew my part in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps I should have been comforted by the fact that I never had known in the first place, but all I could really think about was how my personal existance only existed to further my own personal self. Was this a good thing? At what point does selfishness become harmful? Here I was, my very life was in danger because some other entity calling himself Bob was determined I needed to be perfect or shot. This was harmful to me. I couldn't find the justification. I just didn't think I was worth it.
I also didn't think that I was a good judge of what was perfect anyway. I tried to explain this to Cindy. "If Bob is so worried about his personal beautification, why doesn't he concentrate on himself instead of me?" I asked as we sat on a couple of stools in a cafe the resembled a Starbucks.
"You are his self," she told me. "You are his past."
"How?" I asked. "I don't believe in time travel."
"I don't know, thats what he said."
"If he has issues with his past, changing me isn't going to change them. You can't change what is. Life isn't like Back to the Future where you can mess with time and somehow be the only one who remembers. If you hooked up your parents, they would have always had that memory of you, because there would never have been a time when you didn't."
"But you could change the present by changing the past," Cindy said in an agreeing tone.
"No! You couldn't! Thats what I'm saying!"
"I don't get it."
"If I decided I didn't like Abraham Lincoln and went back in time to shoot him, it wouldn't change anything."
"Yes it would! He would have been killed!"
"He was killed!" I said in a desperate voce.
"How did you do that?"
I covered my face with my hands.
"Well," Cindy began to form another thought I knew wouldn't help me, "what if Bob likes his past, and his memories from the past are the memories of you, with him doing this?"
I uncovered my face. "Nice," I said. "So why won't you let me kiss you?"
"I told you before. I already know you Bob, better than you do. I don't want to get hurt again."
"You aren't exactly helping me restore confidence in myself here."
"Maybe confidence isn't what you need," she told me as she kissed my cheek.
"Why can't you forgive me?" I asked. "Let go of the past. Give me another chance."
"I don't know how to forgive," she told me as she got up and left.
"What else do I have to do to become perfect?" I asked.
"You've never asked that before," I heard an answer.
"I always ask that," I argued.
"No, you ask what you need to do to survive. You want to know what I want you to be?"
"Perfect?" I asked. A few people were looking at me for being schizo.
"No one is perfect," he told me.
"Thats what I say," I told him.
"I want you to be a good person. I want you to do what Jesus says."
"And whats that, exactly?" I asked while looking at the people curious as to my sanity.
"You got to love everybody, make them feel good about themselves."
"Then what?" I asked.
"Then you'll be worthy of having more power than any person in existance."
"More than you?" I asked.
"You are me."
"Where did you come from?"
"Thats something you'll have to find out for yourself."
"I'd like to meet this Bob guy," Ryan said when I finished telling him about my last conversation with myself. "He could answer a lot of my questions."
"Yeah, well, good for you," I said. "So what do I do?"
"Look, no offense dude, but I've had this conversation several times with you already. It kind of feels like anything I say is wasted. Usually after you've been alive this long something happens and you come back having completely forgotten everything."
"What happens?" I asked.
"Your friend Sam thinks its funny that you are like Kenny and decides to kill you for fun, you disobey the almighty Bob's orders, or you do something illegal and someone decides to kill you. Or you get bored and kill yourself."
"Great options," I said. "But I want to live this time."
"Yeah. And the difference between every other time is?"
I shrugged, he continued. "All we ever talk about is Bob, Bob, Bob. We never talk about Ryan."
"What about you?" I asked.
"Ever notice you aren't the only mind in this universe that is trying to reach a higher enlightenment? I want the power as much as you do. Difference is, no one is going to kill me if I get it."
"Yeah they will. There is probably a whole agency devoted to killing Orville. I'm sure they're bored of it by now and would love a new target."
"Kill her? Why?"
"Why do you think she is always invisible on camera? She's invisible to everyone but us. Every time other people have seen her, she's been shot."
"But why do they want to kill her?"
"No one is supposed to have as much power as she does. Its illegal."
"Where does the power come from?" Ryan asked. "How do you use it?"
I shrugged. "I think I just ask Orville for something and she does it."
"Doesn't work for me," Ryan told me.
"Why?"
"She doesn't like me."
"What would you do if you had unlimited power?" I asked him.
"I'd figure it all out. I'd search for God, for love, for humanity. I'd find out the answer."
"The answer is 42," I told him.
"Whats the question?"
"Exactly. Well, sounds better than what I would do. Fucking around with other versions of yourself as if expecting one of them to magically mutate from the ooze and show you your best self is stupid. A person is who they are. Experiences shape a person, but the soul is the same."
"I'm not the one you should be telling this to," Ryan reminded me.
"Fucker can hear me anyway," I told him as I stood up to leave.
"Where you going?" he asked me.
"To get you a bit more power," I said on my way out the door as I ran into Orville.
"Hey Orville," Ryan greeted her. "Please come in."
"Thank you," she said as she sat next to Ryan. "Sit, Bob."
I obeyed, and she put an arm around Ryan, laying her head on his shoulder. "You want power?" she asked him.
"You heard me."
"I know this. Why do you think I haven't shown you how to control the world around you already?"
Ryan shrugged. "You don't love me?"
"Because you are just like me. You'd go around fucking with people. You do anyway, but with less power you cause less harm. Bob, however," she paused as she got up and put her head in my lap.
"You deserve it because you go around helping people, and that is who should have the power. But I've given unlimited power to you before," she told me.
"So can I have it again?" I asked.
"Don't you want to know how you lost it?" she asked.
I shrugged. 'The same people who are trying to kill you?" I asked.
"Nope," she grinned at Ryan as she put her fingers through my hair.
"Bob?"
"Yeah. You did."
"Why?" I asked.
"You realized you couldn't help people and decided you should start over. Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
"Why did you give him the power though? Couldn't you tell by the other Bob that he would just go around trying to make himself better?"
"I didn't know the other Bob then. All I knew was this Bob, and he had the purest heart I could find."
"What makes a pure heart?" Ryan asked, almost miffed that Orville was giving me so much attention. "Helping people is bullshit. You can't say he wants more for mankind than I do. I'd make the world a better place."
"In this case, a pure heart is not having the overwhelming desire for more power and control. Bob was content in himself."
"What ever happened to that, I wonder?" I asked.
Orville laughed as she began to take off my pants. "Not on my couch!" Ryan yelled. He paused. "So thats how the other Bob was created. You were given power."
"Now I want to learn how to do that again," I said.
"Why?" Ryan asked.
"So I can fight myself," I said. I waited to make sure I was still alive. "Tell me how."
"When I told you that you killed yourself, I mean your other self killed you."
"Oh."
I also didn't think that I was a good judge of what was perfect anyway. I tried to explain this to Cindy. "If Bob is so worried about his personal beautification, why doesn't he concentrate on himself instead of me?" I asked as we sat on a couple of stools in a cafe the resembled a Starbucks.
"You are his self," she told me. "You are his past."
"How?" I asked. "I don't believe in time travel."
"I don't know, thats what he said."
"If he has issues with his past, changing me isn't going to change them. You can't change what is. Life isn't like Back to the Future where you can mess with time and somehow be the only one who remembers. If you hooked up your parents, they would have always had that memory of you, because there would never have been a time when you didn't."
"But you could change the present by changing the past," Cindy said in an agreeing tone.
"No! You couldn't! Thats what I'm saying!"
"I don't get it."
"If I decided I didn't like Abraham Lincoln and went back in time to shoot him, it wouldn't change anything."
"Yes it would! He would have been killed!"
"He was killed!" I said in a desperate voce.
"How did you do that?"
I covered my face with my hands.
"Well," Cindy began to form another thought I knew wouldn't help me, "what if Bob likes his past, and his memories from the past are the memories of you, with him doing this?"
I uncovered my face. "Nice," I said. "So why won't you let me kiss you?"
"I told you before. I already know you Bob, better than you do. I don't want to get hurt again."
"You aren't exactly helping me restore confidence in myself here."
"Maybe confidence isn't what you need," she told me as she kissed my cheek.
"Why can't you forgive me?" I asked. "Let go of the past. Give me another chance."
"I don't know how to forgive," she told me as she got up and left.
"What else do I have to do to become perfect?" I asked.
"You've never asked that before," I heard an answer.
"I always ask that," I argued.
"No, you ask what you need to do to survive. You want to know what I want you to be?"
"Perfect?" I asked. A few people were looking at me for being schizo.
"No one is perfect," he told me.
"Thats what I say," I told him.
"I want you to be a good person. I want you to do what Jesus says."
"And whats that, exactly?" I asked while looking at the people curious as to my sanity.
"You got to love everybody, make them feel good about themselves."
"Then what?" I asked.
"Then you'll be worthy of having more power than any person in existance."
"More than you?" I asked.
"You are me."
"Where did you come from?"
"Thats something you'll have to find out for yourself."
"I'd like to meet this Bob guy," Ryan said when I finished telling him about my last conversation with myself. "He could answer a lot of my questions."
"Yeah, well, good for you," I said. "So what do I do?"
"Look, no offense dude, but I've had this conversation several times with you already. It kind of feels like anything I say is wasted. Usually after you've been alive this long something happens and you come back having completely forgotten everything."
"What happens?" I asked.
"Your friend Sam thinks its funny that you are like Kenny and decides to kill you for fun, you disobey the almighty Bob's orders, or you do something illegal and someone decides to kill you. Or you get bored and kill yourself."
"Great options," I said. "But I want to live this time."
"Yeah. And the difference between every other time is?"
I shrugged, he continued. "All we ever talk about is Bob, Bob, Bob. We never talk about Ryan."
"What about you?" I asked.
"Ever notice you aren't the only mind in this universe that is trying to reach a higher enlightenment? I want the power as much as you do. Difference is, no one is going to kill me if I get it."
"Yeah they will. There is probably a whole agency devoted to killing Orville. I'm sure they're bored of it by now and would love a new target."
"Kill her? Why?"
"Why do you think she is always invisible on camera? She's invisible to everyone but us. Every time other people have seen her, she's been shot."
"But why do they want to kill her?"
"No one is supposed to have as much power as she does. Its illegal."
"Where does the power come from?" Ryan asked. "How do you use it?"
I shrugged. "I think I just ask Orville for something and she does it."
"Doesn't work for me," Ryan told me.
"Why?"
"She doesn't like me."
"What would you do if you had unlimited power?" I asked him.
"I'd figure it all out. I'd search for God, for love, for humanity. I'd find out the answer."
"The answer is 42," I told him.
"Whats the question?"
"Exactly. Well, sounds better than what I would do. Fucking around with other versions of yourself as if expecting one of them to magically mutate from the ooze and show you your best self is stupid. A person is who they are. Experiences shape a person, but the soul is the same."
"I'm not the one you should be telling this to," Ryan reminded me.
"Fucker can hear me anyway," I told him as I stood up to leave.
"Where you going?" he asked me.
"To get you a bit more power," I said on my way out the door as I ran into Orville.
"Hey Orville," Ryan greeted her. "Please come in."
"Thank you," she said as she sat next to Ryan. "Sit, Bob."
I obeyed, and she put an arm around Ryan, laying her head on his shoulder. "You want power?" she asked him.
"You heard me."
"I know this. Why do you think I haven't shown you how to control the world around you already?"
Ryan shrugged. "You don't love me?"
"Because you are just like me. You'd go around fucking with people. You do anyway, but with less power you cause less harm. Bob, however," she paused as she got up and put her head in my lap.
"You deserve it because you go around helping people, and that is who should have the power. But I've given unlimited power to you before," she told me.
"So can I have it again?" I asked.
"Don't you want to know how you lost it?" she asked.
I shrugged. 'The same people who are trying to kill you?" I asked.
"Nope," she grinned at Ryan as she put her fingers through my hair.
"Bob?"
"Yeah. You did."
"Why?" I asked.
"You realized you couldn't help people and decided you should start over. Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
"Why did you give him the power though? Couldn't you tell by the other Bob that he would just go around trying to make himself better?"
"I didn't know the other Bob then. All I knew was this Bob, and he had the purest heart I could find."
"What makes a pure heart?" Ryan asked, almost miffed that Orville was giving me so much attention. "Helping people is bullshit. You can't say he wants more for mankind than I do. I'd make the world a better place."
"In this case, a pure heart is not having the overwhelming desire for more power and control. Bob was content in himself."
"What ever happened to that, I wonder?" I asked.
Orville laughed as she began to take off my pants. "Not on my couch!" Ryan yelled. He paused. "So thats how the other Bob was created. You were given power."
"Now I want to learn how to do that again," I said.
"Why?" Ryan asked.
"So I can fight myself," I said. I waited to make sure I was still alive. "Tell me how."
"When I told you that you killed yourself, I mean your other self killed you."
"Oh."