let the sunshine in
Hello again, world. It's your faithful correspondent MK here. At least that's how they know me up here in Wisconsin - I believe if anyone called me Mary-Kathleen now I would barely recognize my own name.
Things have not been good lately. I'm at another turning point in life. Justin and I broke up a few weeks ago and it completely destroyed me. The relationship itself had been rough for quite some time but, as usual, I don't know when to quit and for some reason believe that if I work on something tirelessly and give it my all things will turn in my favor. A lesson in hubris, I suppose.
It hurts to hear that after 2 years of your trying and trying, the person who initially asked you to give up your life and move to be with him has decided that he would rather be single. A relationship just gets in the way of his goals and plans of course. How nice to wake up 2 years after you've given up everything you knew, your money, your time, your sanity... and to find that it isn't appreciated, not that it ever was. It's no longer wanted. After all the times I convinced myself not to go back home, to try again... I am the one that gets canned. An empty thank you for screwing up my life, my financial situation, my mental stability, and for treating you so well, but I'm just not good for him anymore. In summation, the story I get is: I just realized that what I told you 2 years ago, that if you moved to be with me I would take care of you and we would be happy together, I don't want that anymore. Sorry, I thought I knew what I wanted. Unfortunately you're the casualty. I guess it just didn't work out is another way of saying I'm tired of you, I'd like to be selfish for a while. But we can still be friends, right?
Ha.
So here I am, living in Waukesha, only a few miles away from my job. I live with a coworker, Courtney, who is going through some of the same issues as me. I'm not sure what I would do without her to lean on. I go to work, come home and change into workout clothes, go run a few miles, come home and eat a small dinner, shower, then go to bed. My life is basic at the best right now. It feels very strange to write again - only now when I'm stuck alone with my own thoughts do I realize how long I've been pushing all the feelings down. It's almost as if I don't know myself anymore. Maybe that's normal - at the end of a relationship you have to reclaim yourself as one individual, not operating as half of something any longer. You're learning how to operate on your own again. I know I can do it, but I don't know where to go from here, really. I didn't have a backup plan this time. Move back home and start over? Stay here and hash it out and maybe meet someone else down the road? Right now I'm just drifting. I smile, I laugh. I try to keep up the appearance that I'm really okay. But inside I'm broken. I feel betrayed. I never regret anything... but I almost want to go back 2 years in time and tell myself not to have done this.
Maybe by writing I'll get to know myself better again. Maybe writing will help me heal the fresh wounds. I know I'm better than this shitty situation I'm in.
Things have not been good lately. I'm at another turning point in life. Justin and I broke up a few weeks ago and it completely destroyed me. The relationship itself had been rough for quite some time but, as usual, I don't know when to quit and for some reason believe that if I work on something tirelessly and give it my all things will turn in my favor. A lesson in hubris, I suppose.
It hurts to hear that after 2 years of your trying and trying, the person who initially asked you to give up your life and move to be with him has decided that he would rather be single. A relationship just gets in the way of his goals and plans of course. How nice to wake up 2 years after you've given up everything you knew, your money, your time, your sanity... and to find that it isn't appreciated, not that it ever was. It's no longer wanted. After all the times I convinced myself not to go back home, to try again... I am the one that gets canned. An empty thank you for screwing up my life, my financial situation, my mental stability, and for treating you so well, but I'm just not good for him anymore. In summation, the story I get is: I just realized that what I told you 2 years ago, that if you moved to be with me I would take care of you and we would be happy together, I don't want that anymore. Sorry, I thought I knew what I wanted. Unfortunately you're the casualty. I guess it just didn't work out is another way of saying I'm tired of you, I'd like to be selfish for a while. But we can still be friends, right?
Ha.
So here I am, living in Waukesha, only a few miles away from my job. I live with a coworker, Courtney, who is going through some of the same issues as me. I'm not sure what I would do without her to lean on. I go to work, come home and change into workout clothes, go run a few miles, come home and eat a small dinner, shower, then go to bed. My life is basic at the best right now. It feels very strange to write again - only now when I'm stuck alone with my own thoughts do I realize how long I've been pushing all the feelings down. It's almost as if I don't know myself anymore. Maybe that's normal - at the end of a relationship you have to reclaim yourself as one individual, not operating as half of something any longer. You're learning how to operate on your own again. I know I can do it, but I don't know where to go from here, really. I didn't have a backup plan this time. Move back home and start over? Stay here and hash it out and maybe meet someone else down the road? Right now I'm just drifting. I smile, I laugh. I try to keep up the appearance that I'm really okay. But inside I'm broken. I feel betrayed. I never regret anything... but I almost want to go back 2 years in time and tell myself not to have done this.
Maybe by writing I'll get to know myself better again. Maybe writing will help me heal the fresh wounds. I know I'm better than this shitty situation I'm in.