Chapter Eleven -- The Bribe
oblivionhold said she couldn't do all three chapters, so I'm doing Chapter 11, erastes is doing Chapter 12, and oblivionhold is doing Chapter 13.
In which Harry reads the newspaper repeatedly, Lupin sounds like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Harry advises Lupin on his love life, Kreacher plays "bad cop," and the illogic becomes overwhelming.
Chapter Eleven -- The Bribe
If Kreacher could escape a lake full of Inferi,
Which wasn't all that hard, as all he had to do was Apparate away. Dumbles and Harry could have done that.
Harry was confident that the capture of Mundungus would take a few hours at most, and he prowled the house all morning in a state of high anticipation.
Once again, Our Hero is reduced to passivity-waiting for someone else to do something. By the way, this is the same elf that told Narcissa all about the Order and Sirius. Kreacher betrayed Sirius to his death. He helped Voldemort. Why are you forgetting any of this, Harry?
Oh, yeah. Because you paid him off with the non-Horcrux locket, and he acted all overcome. Forget that he's a slave who spent the last book expressing loathing of you, his new master. Forget that he once gave you maggots for Christmas. Forget that for a slave, acting is a survival skill. You just go on believing that Kreacher is your fwiend.
Kreacher doesn't come back in a hurry, which immediately made me figure that he was off betraying the Trio to Narcissa and Bellatrix. I should have realized that was impossible, as it would have made sense.
By nightfall, Harry felt discouraged and anxious, and a supper composed largely of mouldy bread, upon which Hermione had tried a variety of unsuccessful Transfigurations, did nothing to help.
Please note that neither of the boys appears to have made any effort at Transfiguring the bread at all.
Kreacher continues to be missing for two more days. I am spectacularly unconcerned, as I have always loathed Kreacher. In other news, the Death Eaters prove that they are worthy of Darwin Awards.
However, two cloaked men had appeared in the square outside number twelve, and they remained there into the night, gazing in the direction of the house that they could not see.
Now, this makes no sense. All Snape has to do is write down, "The address of the former headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is Twelve Grimmauld Place," give it to both of them, and poof! They'll be able to see the house, and get in as well. Is there some reason Voldemort wouldn't want this done? Noooooo....
Ron helpfully points out that the men watching the place are Death Eaters. Because, y'know, we couldn't possibly have deduced that otherwise.
Hermione opines that the Death Eaters don't know that they're there. Um, Hermione? You TOLD them that's where you were going. The three of you discussed going to Twelve Grimmauld Place in front of a paralyzed-but not unconscious or deaf-Dolohov. Of course they bloody well know you're here!
She also says that she thinks Snape has been in the house and been tongue-tied by the curse-otherwise the DEs would have been in by now. Why would Snape have visited? There's nothing in the house that he wants. And how hard would it be for Snape to say, "No, I'm not Snape"?
Finally, Hermione tells us that the DEs know Harry inherited the house. Harry doesn't grasp how they could possibly know that. Uh, Harry? That would be Snape again. Hermione, though, has a different answer.
“Wizarding wills are examined by the Ministry, remember?
As we learned a whole four chapters ago in "The Will of Albus Dumbledore."
The fact that there are Death Eaters outside makes things "ominous" in Rowling's words and "a bit annoying" in mine
Restless and irritable, Ron had developed an annoying habit of playing with the Deluminator in his pocket; this particularly infuriated Hermione, who was whiling away the wait for Kreacher by studying The Tales of Beedle the Bard and did not appreciate the way the lights kept flashing on and off.
There are dozens of rooms in Twelve Grimmauld Place. Why does he have to do that in a room where Hermione's reading? Oh, right. Because Deathly Hallows Ron is a jerk. I think this is supposed to make Harry look better by comparison.
Anyway. Ron and Hermione bicker, as they've been doing since the first book. Harry, who is nearly as bored with this as I am, walks out, heads downstairs and notices someone coming in through the front door. A someone who knows how to deactivate the jinxes, not that that's hard.
There follows a scene which is doubtless supposed to be terribly tense and suspenseful. It's not. It's just Harry pointing his wand at the person who just unlocked the door, Mrs. Black yelling about Mudbloods and filth, and Ron and Hermione bringing up the rear. The intruder hasn't done anything even vaguely menacing. It's sad.
“Hold your fire, it’s me, Remus!”
Isn't "hold your fire" that kind of a Muggle thing to say? Unless Remus thinks one of the kids is literally going to cast fire at him, that is.
Harry is all distrustful, demanding that Remus prove he's really Remus. Not a bad notion at all, except that what's offered isn't proof at all.
Lupin moved forward into the lamplight, hands still held high in a gesture of surrender.
This doesn't prove a thing, really, since people who have been Polyjuiced into other people are indistinguishable from the originals. Not to mention the disguise spells that trump Polyjuice. There is no evidence so far to prove that this is really Remus.
Then Remus offers the following "secrets" as proof of identity. Oy vey.
“I am Remus John Lupin,
A name that would be matter of public record.
werewolf,
Listed at the Werewolf Registry, which is a division of the Ministry. Any number of people could know this.
sometimes known as Moony,
Information that anyone who attended school with the Marauders would know. Anyone. Including Snape.
one of the four creators of the Marauder’s Map,
Filch would know this since he took the Map from the Marauders in the first place. Snape certainly knows this, since the Map was charmed to make fun of him, and did, to his face.
married to Nymphadora,
Marriages are also matters of public record which any number of people would know about. And as we know from Chapter 1, Voldemort and the Death Eaters certainly know about it.
usually known as Tonks,
Anyone who knew Tonks would know what she'd prefer to be called. Snape, as a former member of the Order, would most assuredly know.
and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag.”
Again, Harry's Patronus is a matter of public record, as Harry had to endure a hearing of the Wizengamot when he cast his Patronus to save himself and Dudley from Dementors. When he took his OWLs, the tester wanted to see him cast a Patronus, because the tester had heard about that. Oh, and every kid in Dumbledore's Army would know as well.
As for which DADA teacher taught Harry how to do this-hmmm. What year were there a lot of Dementors around Hogwarts? And who would be the best person to teach Harry how to keep them away?
In addition to stating things that are most emphatically not secrets, Remus has just burbled all this to Harry without knowing if this is really Harry. If you were Voldie, wouldn't YOU send in three Polyjuiced Death Eaters to take the place of the Trio and to gain the Order's confidence?
The Order sucks at security.
Remus then praises Harry for checking...well, nothing, really...and, after Lupin saying that he's sure that the Death Eaters don't know they're in the house, then it is time to repair to the kitchen for infodump.
They descended into the kitchen, where Hermione pointed her wand at the grate. A fire sprang up instantly:
Keep this in mind, because in Chapter 17, Hermione is going to futz about with fire-making for ages. For no apparent reason.
[the fire] gave the illusion of coziness to the stark stone walls and glistened off the long wooden table.
How does fire create the illusion of coziness? Isn't fire generally described as making a room cozier?
Lupin pulled a few Butterbeers from beneath his travelling cloak and they sat down.
Remember, Lupin had his hands in the air and still managed to keep the Butterbeers beneath his cloak. Either the cloak contains inner pockets or he knows one hell of a Levitation charm.
Anyway, the kids tell Remus that they ran into a couple of DEs on Tottenham Court Road. Lupin is horrified.
“But how did they find you so quickly? It’s impossible to track anyone who Apparates, unless you grab hold of them as they disappear.”
You're a werewolf and a wizard fighting a magical war against an undead snake-man hybrid and his followers. "Impossible" is a relative term.
Remus, who has evidently been taking lessons from Double-D, says that Harry couldn't possibly have a Trace on him.
“Apart from anything else, they’d know for sure Harry was here if he still had the Trace on him, wouldn’t they?
How do you know they DON'T know?
Harry, who remains blithely unconcerned with his safety and the safety of those around him, wants to know what happened after the three of them scarpered like bunny rabbits. Lupin tells him that "they" arrived after most of the wedding guests left-"they" being a combination of Death Eaters and Ministry bureaucrats. He claims that they didn't know Harry had been there, which strikes me as highly unlikely. And this sounds even more so:
Arthur heard a rumor that they tried to torture your whereabouts out of Scrimgeour before they killed him; if it’s true, he didn’t give you away.”
*sigh* No one would need to torture Scrimgeour to get that information. One good Imperius Curse, or three drops of Veritaserum, and Rufus wouldn't be able to keep himself from telling everything he knew-including where Harry Potter had been the day before. And gee, it's not like we know anyone on the Death Eater side who's good at making potions, do we? *cough* Peter *cough* *cough* Snape *cough*
Harry looked at Ron and Hermione; their expressions reflected the mingled shock and gratitude he felt.
*monotone* Oh, yeah. I'm overwhelmed by the sensation of thanksgiving that Harry feels. And I tremble with the shock.
He had never liked Scrimgeour much,
Try "at all."
but if what Lupin said was true, the man’s final act had been to try to protect Harry.
That's a pretty big if.
Anyway, the Death Eaters who have been bothering the Order members are clearly the kinder, gentler Death Eaters. They find the red-headed drooling ghoul, but they don't go near it, or bring any Healers who can examine the ghoul and see if the creature really is sick with spattergroit. And then they interrogate the ones who didn't get away. Oooh. I shudder in fear.
more Death Eaters were forcing their way into every Order-connected house in the country. No deaths,” he added quickly, forestalling the question, “but they were rough.
NO DEATHS? Why the hell NOT? Guys, you have some perfectly lovely spells that are potentially lethal and that aren't Unforgivables! Why don't you USE them?!
This is beyond epic fail and into legendary.
They burned down Dedalus Diggle’s house, but as you know he wasn’t there,
Why would Harry know this? Diggle escorted the Dursleys to a new location. That doesn't mean he had to stay there with them.
and they used the Cruciatus Curse on Tonks’s family. Again, trying to find out where you went after you visited them.
Again, not nearly as useful as Imperio or Veritaserum.
They’re all right - shaken, obviously, but otherwise OK.”
Which means that Rowling is undercutting her own canon, because Crucio has been described as painful enough to drive a man into permanent insanity in a matter of minutes. "Shaken, not stirred" is a good recipe for a martini-but not for a torture victim.
Harry demands to know how the DEs got past all of the Tonkses' protective spells, since they couldn't do it before. Gee, do you suppose they actually stopped to figure out which spells could be keeping them out?
Nah.
“What you’ve got to realize, Harry, is that the Death Eaters have got the full might of the Ministry on their side now,” said Lupin.
Which gives them political and legal power, but not added magical power. This explanation doesn't really explain!
“They’ve got the power to perform brutal spells without fear of identification or arrest.
Don't ask what these brutal spells are. Lupin never bothers to tell us.
They managed to penetrate every defensive spell we’d cast against them,
Don't waste time asking how they did that, either.
and once inside, they were completely open about why they’d come.”
Why wouldn't they be open about it? They believe in what they're doing! They're convinced of its rightness!
And why are they looking for Harry? Because he's officially wanted for questioning in the death of Dumbledore. I liked this. This made sense-the Ministry has long had an official policy saying Harry is disturbed, and a disturbed boy killing a mentor or father figure is all too possible. And the Aurors SHOULD want to talk to Harry, to determine if he's a witness or a suspect.
Regrettably, Rowling immediately abandons this plot point and it is never heard of again.
Lupin, of course, cannot be bothered to tell Harry this. So instead, we get to thrill to Harry reading the newspaper. AGAIN. This time, he only reads the headline before going all emo.
He pushed the newspaper away; he did not want to read anymore: he knew what it would say.
I don't want to read any more newspapers in this book, either. Or books. Or magazine articles. Or book reviews. But no one asked me.
Nobody but those who had been on top of the tower when Dumbledore died knew who had really killed him
Those people would be Dumbledore (dead), Harry (suspect), Draco Malfoy (committed attempted murder), Severus Snape (committed assisted suicide with victim's consent), Thorfinn Rowle, Fenrir Greyback, Amycus Carrow and Alecto Carrow. It wasn't a Potter-friendly environment. Small wonder Harry ended up suspect.
and, as Rita Skeeter had already told the Wizarding world, Harry had been seen running from the place moments after Dumbledore had fallen.
And that was Harry's own fault, too. To quote from Chapter 28 of HBP:
He threw the Invisibility Cloak aside as the brutal-faced Death Eater, last to leave the tower top, was disappearing through the door.
Yes, that was special. Let the bad guys know that you're around, by all means.
Hermione wants to know if the Death Eaters have taken over the Prophet; "ages ago" would be my assessment. Lupin also tells the kids that Scrimgeour isn't even officially dead, and that the new minister is under the Imperius Curse.
After a Q-and-A session in which we learn that Voldemort can gain more power without declaring himself Minister of Magic-which most of us could have figured out anyway, thanks ever so, Rowling-we are told that Voldemort is being subtle.
SNIP!
We're also told that making the populace doubt Harry is a "masterstroke," as it keeps him from being the rallying point of the resistance.
by suggesting that you had a hand in the old hero’s death,
HERO? What in the name of Merlin did the old fart ever do that was heroic?
Voldemort has not only set a price upon your head, but sown doubt and fear amongst many who would have defended you.
I have no clue who is speaking, but it sure as hell isn't Remus Lupin.
Next, Faux!Remus points to Faux News on page 2. More newspaper-reading.
I have decided that if this is truly an adventure series, then the next time that there is a Terminator movie, I want the android to spend the entire movie sitting on its arse reading the newspaper and, while waiting for someone else to do something, to wonder if the computer that designed it really loved it after all.
And now Rowling rips off World War II.
“‘Recent research undertaken by the Department of Mysteries reveals that magic can only be passed from person to person when Wizards reproduce.
See, this is what is called "beginning with a faulty premise."
Where no proven Wizarding ancestry exists, therefore, the so-called Muggle-born is likely to have obtained magical power by theft or force.
Keep in mind that Muggleborns-I'm ignoring that stupid hyphen-start manifesting magic around the ages of six or seven, like everyone else. So apparently all these wizards who are losing their magical abilities are losing them because of the cunning machinations and sheer brute force of seven-year-olds.
“‘The Ministry is determined to root out such usurpers of magical power, and to this end has issued an invitation to every so-called Muggle-born to present themselves for interview by the newly appointed Muggle-born Registration Commission.’”
"Usurpers of magical power"? Yeah, I sense a note of prejudgment there. I think that I would decline that invitation if at all possible. Forcibly. At wandpoint.
Ron insists that people won't let it happen. O RLY? See, this is why wizards need to learn about the history of Muggles as well as the history of magic. He also comes up with something that is quite profoundly dumb.
“It’s mental, if you could steal magic there wouldn’t be any Squibs, would there?”
See, I'd think that if the Ministry was saying that magic could be stolen, they'd claim that the Squibs were the victims of that theft, and that the Ministry needed to work out how the Muggleborns had done it so that they could give the Squibs their magic back.
But no, that's too logical. Can't have that.
unless you can prove that you have at least one close Wizarding relative, you are now deemed to have obtained your magical power illegally and must suffer the punishment.”
Forgers of birth certificates and family trees must be having a field day.
Ron suggests trying to pass Hermione off as his cousin, despite the fact that both of them have attracted attention as Harry Potter's friends since first year. Hermione points out that since they're traveling in the company of the Ministry's Most Wanted, her blood status is kind of moot.
Lupin continues to infodump, telling them that now you have to go to Hogwarts, if you're a young witch or wizard-the options to be homeschooled or to go to another school in a foreign country are gone. Voldie doesn't want to miss the chance to control a single young mind.
And it’s also another way of weeding out Muggle-borns, because students must be given Blood Status - meaning that they have proven to the Ministry that they are of Wizard descent - before they are allowed to attend.”
Harry figures out, amazingly, that this means that the Death Eaters can sort the Muggleborns from the purebloods and halfbloods with ease, killing them early. He is, briefly, horrified by this. I honestly hoped that this indicated potential. That the book would deal with more than just a scavenger hunt.
However, the matter of the Ministry's institutionalized torture, slaughter and destruction of the souls of the Muggleborns (both adults and children) is not treated as if it is, ultimately, of much importance. The things that we are asked to care about are the things that concern Harry-the Horcruxes, the Hallows, and his obsession with Dumbledore's affection. Indeed, the Horcruxes and the Hallows are taken as signs of Dumbledore's affection-will Harry be more truly faithful to Double-D by pursuing the Horcruxes, or is everything that points to the Hallows a last coded message from Albus to Harry, things that DD honestly wanted Harry to possess?
Once Harry gets the locket from the Ministry, he loses all interest in what might be happening to Muggleborns, and never thinks of them again. He feels no fear, no outrage, no revulsion. He does not, in the end, fight or die for them, even in part-he struggles only for his own family and friends, without once thinking or caring about what Voldemort and his followers are doing to others. Compassion for strangers remains a quality that Harry knows nothing about up to the epilogue and after. He gets a handful of people out of the Ministry-without wondering once what happens to them afterwards-and for him, that's enough.
I think of all of those anonymous souls who have died at the hands of unjust governments because of their race, national origin, religion, etc.--and I fume at the implication that such suffering does not matter, save to make her "hero" look good. Temporarily. [/rant]
At any rate, the Muggleborn kids are no sooner mentioned as a topic of conversation when they are cast aside. Lupin wants to know if Harry and his friends are on a mission from Glod Dumbledore. Harry confirms that they are but says that he can't tell Lupin what it is because DD didn't tell him. Uh, yeah, and DD is unlikely to tell him, Harry. Being, y'know, dead and all.
But this is about what I expected. Considering that Harry wants to regard the Horcrux hunt as providing secret clues to how Dumbledore thought and felt about him, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want a relatively sensible adult along who might screw up his erotomaniacal fantasy.
Lupin says that he doesn't have to know what the Trio is doing. He'll protect them anyway. Harry is tempted. Of course, Harry cannot ever fall into temptation, so it's up to Hermione to ask a Most Excellent Question: "What about Tonks?"
“What about her?” said Lupin.
And a million Sirius/Remus shippers cheered!
Hermione points out-in case anyone reading this tedious tome forgot-that Remus and Tonks are married. She wants to know how Tonks feels about her husband leaving indefinitely. Remus says she'll be staying with her parents and will be safe, which probably translates to: "Um...I haven't told her yet."
Hermione wants to know if everything is all right between Remus and Tonks. Uh, Hermione, honey? He's talking about walking out on his wife after about a month of marriage. I think that the answer would be "Hell no!"
Remus then tells the Trio that Tonks is having a baby. He's clearly not pleased about this, either, which made me suspect briefly that the baby wasn't his. Then I remembered the strictures in children's publishing. Adultery and illegitimacy are big no-nos for a lot of houses. So of course the baby's his.
Harry, who has once again managed to make this All About Him, is deeply offended by the idea of a father choosing to leave his kid before the baby's even born. Lupin then says two sentences that, as far as I'm concerned, killed Remus/Tonks dead.
“I - I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and have regretted it very much every since.”
Oh, yeah, that sounds like a deeply loving relationship, that does. Pity wizards don't have the equivalent of Reno divorces.
And yes, I know, Remus is later delighted by the birth of his son. But that doesn't prove that Remus is happy with Tonks. Loving a child isn't the same thing as wanting to remain a relationship with his or her mother.
Lupin sprang to his feet: his chair toppled over backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, the shadow of the wolf upon his human face.
I got a mental image of the silhouette of a wolf's head superimposed over Remus's features. (Yes, I KNOW that's not what it means.)
Remus turns into Emo Remo then, telling the Trio that he's made Tonks a pariah by marrying her. That the wizarding world despises werewolves. (Wow, and here I thought that they had all these anti-werewolf laws because of undying affection.) Even the Tonkses are disgusted by the marriage, apparently. Oh, and Remus doesn't know if the kid is going to be a werewolf or not, because werewolves don't usually have children. This directly contradicts what Rowling has said elsewhere-that werewolves are made, not born.
“My kind don’t usually breed!
Up till this point I thought that might be because the Ministry had werewolves spayed or neutered so that they couldn't breed their own victims. But no.
It will be like me, I am convinced of it - how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child?
Uh-huh. You never heard of condoms, Remus? Considering that there's a Stone Age cave painting of a man using a condom, I'd think that wizards should have come across the concept at some point. Granted, condoms aren't 100% reliable, but they would eliminate the "knowingly risking" part.
And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!”
Well, I don't know so much about the shame part, but I do agree that the kid would be better off without a werewolf father. As the child of a werewolf, the kid could be killed at birth. As the child of a halfblood who swears that the child isn't his but someone else's it might have a chance to survive.
Hermione tries to be consoling. Harry, however, is enraged; hearing that his father's friend would walk out on his wife and kid is like hearing that his father would have done the same thing.
“If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad,” Harry said, “what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father’s in the Order?
Well, duh. Kill it. What else?
My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he’d tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?”
I know you don't want to hear this, Harry, but I think that James would have done a far better job of protecting you and Lily if he had just got up off his arse and gotten his wife and kid, and possibly himself, OUT OF ENGLAND. Seriously, what was the point of staying and fighting a guy who uses a curse that there is no defense against? Oh, that's right. There wasn't any.
“I think you’re feeling a bit of a daredevil,” Harry said, “You fancy stepping into Sirius’s shoes-”
And I think that you forget that you'd be taking a risk traveling with him, not him with you. In case you've forgotten, Harry, Remus is a werewolf. He transforms every full moon. And you three are not Animagi. And he's not getting his Wolfsbane Potion anymore; Snape, at least, is not brewing it. Or are we just ignoring the fact that Remus could tear the three of you to shreds, infecting, maiming or killing any or all of you?
Yes, I guess we are, since Harry never uses this as an argument against Remus. Who needs continuity?
Harry then calls Remus a coward for deciding to cut his losses. Remus silently casts a spell that sends Harry slamming into the kitchen wall. YAY! And with that, Remus leaves in high dudgeon.
Once Remus is gone, Ron and Hermione have the nerve to yell at Harry. Pity they didn't develop the guts to tell him to shut the fuck up two minutes ago.
Broken images were racing each other through his mind: Sirius falling through the veil; Dumbledore suspended, broken, in midair; a flash of green light and his mother’s voice, begging for mercy...
When was Dumbledore frozen in mid-air? And honestly, I don't think his body was broken until after he landed at the foot of the Astronomy Tower?
“Parents,” said Harry, “shouldn’t leave their kids unless - unless they’ve got to.”
Unless they die, you mean. I told you he was making it all about himself.
Harry admits that he shouldn't have called Remus a coward, mostly because Ron and Hermione don't approve of this.
“But if it makes him go back to Tonks, it’ll be worth it, won’t it?”
Oh, yes. Nothing could be finer than a man going back to the wife he doesn't love because he was shamed into doing so. Especially a woman who could die in the present political climate because she's married to the husband who wants to leave her.
Would James have backed Harry in what he had said to Lupin, or would he have been angry at how his son had treated his old friend?
I think that he'd have thought that you were a pissant little jerk with no brains, and that you should mind your own business.
At this point, Ron and Hermione are still cross with Harry, and Harry doesn't want to deal with it. So what does he do? Say it with me, class-he reads the newspaper. If all else fails, we can count on Rowling to deal us a moment of gripping newsprint.
Harry spots a picture of the Dumbledore family in the paper. Of course, this is an excuse for him to forget about his petty name-calling and to resume his obsession with a dead man. After telling us DD's father had twinkly eyes too, we get some odd descriptions.
The baby, Ariana, was a little longer than a loaf of bread and no more distinctive-looking.
What kind of bread? I mean, it ranges in size from a small loaf to a long, lean loaf of French bread, so the description isn't that clear.
The mother, Kendra, had jet black hair pulled into a high bun. Her face had a carved quality about it. Harry thought of photos of Native Americans he’d seen as he studied her dark eyes, high cheekbones, and straight nose, formally composed above a high-necked silk gown
Given that Albus was a redhead and that both Albus and Aberforth have blue eyes, I'm guessing that Kendra wasn't their mother. Either that or wizards don't have to obey Mendelian genetics, and that notion just makes my head hurt.
Then Harry starts to read the article, which is by Rita Skeeter and which is a complete waste of space. Skeeter says nothing new; she just repeats everything that Great-Aunt Muriel said three chapters ago. Kendra moved to Godric's Hollow after Percival went to Azkaban, the Dumbledores kept themselves to themselves and weren't very friendly, Skeeter thinks that Ariana was a Squib and that Mumsie was ashamed of her, blah blah fishcakes.
Harry, disappointed that the Dumbledores were apparently not playing Happy Families, decides on a pointless sidequest.
He wanted to go to Godric’s Hollow, even if Bathilda was in no fit state to talk to him: he wanted to visit the place where he and Dumbledore had both lost loved ones.
Well, he already knows that Bathilda's not fit to talk to him. He was told that. And what's the point of going there in the middle of a war? He's had six years to go, and he's never given two hoots and a damn before!
Kreacher then reappears with Mundungus Fletcher. Hermione disarms him. Mundungus talks like Hagrid now, even though he had a Cockney accent last book.
Mundungus thinks that he's been brought here to be yelled at for running away from the Death Eater ambush. Personally, I think that the rest of the Order should have done the same thing, but that's me. Hermione tells him that no one else fled.
“Well, you’re a bunch of bleedin’ ‘eroes then, aren’t you, but I never pretended I was up for killing meself -”
Note the lack of comma. Fletcher isn't saying that he wasn't up for killing, personally. He's saying that he didn't want to commit suicide. This, to my mind, makes his actions far more sensible. The Order needs to learn a bit more about strategic retreats. To Harry, however, Fletcher is nothing but "an unreliable bit of scum."
It felt wonderful to have something to do, someone of whom he could demand some small portion of truth.
Pointing a wand at someone is something to do? Wow, Harry. You are the action hero of the century!
We then get a bit of slapstick. I think this is supposed to be funny, but it works better in cartoons than it does in a book.
There was the sound of pattering feet, a blaze of shining copper, an echoing clang, and a shriek of agony; Kreacher had taken a run at Mundungus and hit him over the head with a saucepan.
Uh...couldn't this have killed Mundungus? And aren't house-elves supposed to be incapable of harming wizards directly?
Kreacher suggests one more blow to the head for good luck. Ron laughs at this, which disappoints me. I did briefly hope that Kreacher's old familiar viciousness was resurfacing, but no.
Anyway, after three pages, we finally get to the subject of the locket. A "Ministry hag" has it:
“I was selling in Diagon Alley and she come up to me and asks if I’ve got a license for trading in magical artifacts. Bleedin’ snoop. She was gonna fine me, but she took a fancy to the locket an’ told me she’d take it and let me off that time, and to fink meself lucky.”
The hag in question is a little woman with a bow in her hair. Fletcher says she looks like a toad. Of COURSE she does. It is absolutely essential that every single character in the entire series be dragged back for one final bow. Oh, well. At least Dolores Umbridge is genuinely evil and genuinely creepy. Unlike, say, Voldemort. He's been evil but never creepy.
Harry is so startled by this that he drops his wand and sets fire to Fletcher's eyebrows. Idiot. As Hermione puts out the fire-naturally, Harry couldn't possibly do something so mundane himself-something absolutely asinine happens:
The scars on the back of his right hand seemed to be tingling again.
I thought the only scar that did that was the lightning scar on Harry's forehead? Oh, never MIND.
In which Harry reads the newspaper repeatedly, Lupin sounds like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Harry advises Lupin on his love life, Kreacher plays "bad cop," and the illogic becomes overwhelming.
Chapter Eleven -- The Bribe
If Kreacher could escape a lake full of Inferi,
Which wasn't all that hard, as all he had to do was Apparate away. Dumbles and Harry could have done that.
Harry was confident that the capture of Mundungus would take a few hours at most, and he prowled the house all morning in a state of high anticipation.
Once again, Our Hero is reduced to passivity-waiting for someone else to do something. By the way, this is the same elf that told Narcissa all about the Order and Sirius. Kreacher betrayed Sirius to his death. He helped Voldemort. Why are you forgetting any of this, Harry?
Oh, yeah. Because you paid him off with the non-Horcrux locket, and he acted all overcome. Forget that he's a slave who spent the last book expressing loathing of you, his new master. Forget that he once gave you maggots for Christmas. Forget that for a slave, acting is a survival skill. You just go on believing that Kreacher is your fwiend.
Kreacher doesn't come back in a hurry, which immediately made me figure that he was off betraying the Trio to Narcissa and Bellatrix. I should have realized that was impossible, as it would have made sense.
By nightfall, Harry felt discouraged and anxious, and a supper composed largely of mouldy bread, upon which Hermione had tried a variety of unsuccessful Transfigurations, did nothing to help.
Please note that neither of the boys appears to have made any effort at Transfiguring the bread at all.
Kreacher continues to be missing for two more days. I am spectacularly unconcerned, as I have always loathed Kreacher. In other news, the Death Eaters prove that they are worthy of Darwin Awards.
However, two cloaked men had appeared in the square outside number twelve, and they remained there into the night, gazing in the direction of the house that they could not see.
Now, this makes no sense. All Snape has to do is write down, "The address of the former headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is Twelve Grimmauld Place," give it to both of them, and poof! They'll be able to see the house, and get in as well. Is there some reason Voldemort wouldn't want this done? Noooooo....
Ron helpfully points out that the men watching the place are Death Eaters. Because, y'know, we couldn't possibly have deduced that otherwise.
Hermione opines that the Death Eaters don't know that they're there. Um, Hermione? You TOLD them that's where you were going. The three of you discussed going to Twelve Grimmauld Place in front of a paralyzed-but not unconscious or deaf-Dolohov. Of course they bloody well know you're here!
She also says that she thinks Snape has been in the house and been tongue-tied by the curse-otherwise the DEs would have been in by now. Why would Snape have visited? There's nothing in the house that he wants. And how hard would it be for Snape to say, "No, I'm not Snape"?
Finally, Hermione tells us that the DEs know Harry inherited the house. Harry doesn't grasp how they could possibly know that. Uh, Harry? That would be Snape again. Hermione, though, has a different answer.
“Wizarding wills are examined by the Ministry, remember?
As we learned a whole four chapters ago in "The Will of Albus Dumbledore."
The fact that there are Death Eaters outside makes things "ominous" in Rowling's words and "a bit annoying" in mine
Restless and irritable, Ron had developed an annoying habit of playing with the Deluminator in his pocket; this particularly infuriated Hermione, who was whiling away the wait for Kreacher by studying The Tales of Beedle the Bard and did not appreciate the way the lights kept flashing on and off.
There are dozens of rooms in Twelve Grimmauld Place. Why does he have to do that in a room where Hermione's reading? Oh, right. Because Deathly Hallows Ron is a jerk. I think this is supposed to make Harry look better by comparison.
Anyway. Ron and Hermione bicker, as they've been doing since the first book. Harry, who is nearly as bored with this as I am, walks out, heads downstairs and notices someone coming in through the front door. A someone who knows how to deactivate the jinxes, not that that's hard.
There follows a scene which is doubtless supposed to be terribly tense and suspenseful. It's not. It's just Harry pointing his wand at the person who just unlocked the door, Mrs. Black yelling about Mudbloods and filth, and Ron and Hermione bringing up the rear. The intruder hasn't done anything even vaguely menacing. It's sad.
“Hold your fire, it’s me, Remus!”
Isn't "hold your fire" that kind of a Muggle thing to say? Unless Remus thinks one of the kids is literally going to cast fire at him, that is.
Harry is all distrustful, demanding that Remus prove he's really Remus. Not a bad notion at all, except that what's offered isn't proof at all.
Lupin moved forward into the lamplight, hands still held high in a gesture of surrender.
This doesn't prove a thing, really, since people who have been Polyjuiced into other people are indistinguishable from the originals. Not to mention the disguise spells that trump Polyjuice. There is no evidence so far to prove that this is really Remus.
Then Remus offers the following "secrets" as proof of identity. Oy vey.
“I am Remus John Lupin,
A name that would be matter of public record.
werewolf,
Listed at the Werewolf Registry, which is a division of the Ministry. Any number of people could know this.
sometimes known as Moony,
Information that anyone who attended school with the Marauders would know. Anyone. Including Snape.
one of the four creators of the Marauder’s Map,
Filch would know this since he took the Map from the Marauders in the first place. Snape certainly knows this, since the Map was charmed to make fun of him, and did, to his face.
married to Nymphadora,
Marriages are also matters of public record which any number of people would know about. And as we know from Chapter 1, Voldemort and the Death Eaters certainly know about it.
usually known as Tonks,
Anyone who knew Tonks would know what she'd prefer to be called. Snape, as a former member of the Order, would most assuredly know.
and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag.”
Again, Harry's Patronus is a matter of public record, as Harry had to endure a hearing of the Wizengamot when he cast his Patronus to save himself and Dudley from Dementors. When he took his OWLs, the tester wanted to see him cast a Patronus, because the tester had heard about that. Oh, and every kid in Dumbledore's Army would know as well.
As for which DADA teacher taught Harry how to do this-hmmm. What year were there a lot of Dementors around Hogwarts? And who would be the best person to teach Harry how to keep them away?
In addition to stating things that are most emphatically not secrets, Remus has just burbled all this to Harry without knowing if this is really Harry. If you were Voldie, wouldn't YOU send in three Polyjuiced Death Eaters to take the place of the Trio and to gain the Order's confidence?
The Order sucks at security.
Remus then praises Harry for checking...well, nothing, really...and, after Lupin saying that he's sure that the Death Eaters don't know they're in the house, then it is time to repair to the kitchen for infodump.
They descended into the kitchen, where Hermione pointed her wand at the grate. A fire sprang up instantly:
Keep this in mind, because in Chapter 17, Hermione is going to futz about with fire-making for ages. For no apparent reason.
[the fire] gave the illusion of coziness to the stark stone walls and glistened off the long wooden table.
How does fire create the illusion of coziness? Isn't fire generally described as making a room cozier?
Lupin pulled a few Butterbeers from beneath his travelling cloak and they sat down.
Remember, Lupin had his hands in the air and still managed to keep the Butterbeers beneath his cloak. Either the cloak contains inner pockets or he knows one hell of a Levitation charm.
Anyway, the kids tell Remus that they ran into a couple of DEs on Tottenham Court Road. Lupin is horrified.
“But how did they find you so quickly? It’s impossible to track anyone who Apparates, unless you grab hold of them as they disappear.”
You're a werewolf and a wizard fighting a magical war against an undead snake-man hybrid and his followers. "Impossible" is a relative term.
Remus, who has evidently been taking lessons from Double-D, says that Harry couldn't possibly have a Trace on him.
“Apart from anything else, they’d know for sure Harry was here if he still had the Trace on him, wouldn’t they?
How do you know they DON'T know?
Harry, who remains blithely unconcerned with his safety and the safety of those around him, wants to know what happened after the three of them scarpered like bunny rabbits. Lupin tells him that "they" arrived after most of the wedding guests left-"they" being a combination of Death Eaters and Ministry bureaucrats. He claims that they didn't know Harry had been there, which strikes me as highly unlikely. And this sounds even more so:
Arthur heard a rumor that they tried to torture your whereabouts out of Scrimgeour before they killed him; if it’s true, he didn’t give you away.”
*sigh* No one would need to torture Scrimgeour to get that information. One good Imperius Curse, or three drops of Veritaserum, and Rufus wouldn't be able to keep himself from telling everything he knew-including where Harry Potter had been the day before. And gee, it's not like we know anyone on the Death Eater side who's good at making potions, do we? *cough* Peter *cough* *cough* Snape *cough*
Harry looked at Ron and Hermione; their expressions reflected the mingled shock and gratitude he felt.
*monotone* Oh, yeah. I'm overwhelmed by the sensation of thanksgiving that Harry feels. And I tremble with the shock.
He had never liked Scrimgeour much,
Try "at all."
but if what Lupin said was true, the man’s final act had been to try to protect Harry.
That's a pretty big if.
Anyway, the Death Eaters who have been bothering the Order members are clearly the kinder, gentler Death Eaters. They find the red-headed drooling ghoul, but they don't go near it, or bring any Healers who can examine the ghoul and see if the creature really is sick with spattergroit. And then they interrogate the ones who didn't get away. Oooh. I shudder in fear.
more Death Eaters were forcing their way into every Order-connected house in the country. No deaths,” he added quickly, forestalling the question, “but they were rough.
NO DEATHS? Why the hell NOT? Guys, you have some perfectly lovely spells that are potentially lethal and that aren't Unforgivables! Why don't you USE them?!
This is beyond epic fail and into legendary.
They burned down Dedalus Diggle’s house, but as you know he wasn’t there,
Why would Harry know this? Diggle escorted the Dursleys to a new location. That doesn't mean he had to stay there with them.
and they used the Cruciatus Curse on Tonks’s family. Again, trying to find out where you went after you visited them.
Again, not nearly as useful as Imperio or Veritaserum.
They’re all right - shaken, obviously, but otherwise OK.”
Which means that Rowling is undercutting her own canon, because Crucio has been described as painful enough to drive a man into permanent insanity in a matter of minutes. "Shaken, not stirred" is a good recipe for a martini-but not for a torture victim.
Harry demands to know how the DEs got past all of the Tonkses' protective spells, since they couldn't do it before. Gee, do you suppose they actually stopped to figure out which spells could be keeping them out?
Nah.
“What you’ve got to realize, Harry, is that the Death Eaters have got the full might of the Ministry on their side now,” said Lupin.
Which gives them political and legal power, but not added magical power. This explanation doesn't really explain!
“They’ve got the power to perform brutal spells without fear of identification or arrest.
Don't ask what these brutal spells are. Lupin never bothers to tell us.
They managed to penetrate every defensive spell we’d cast against them,
Don't waste time asking how they did that, either.
and once inside, they were completely open about why they’d come.”
Why wouldn't they be open about it? They believe in what they're doing! They're convinced of its rightness!
And why are they looking for Harry? Because he's officially wanted for questioning in the death of Dumbledore. I liked this. This made sense-the Ministry has long had an official policy saying Harry is disturbed, and a disturbed boy killing a mentor or father figure is all too possible. And the Aurors SHOULD want to talk to Harry, to determine if he's a witness or a suspect.
Regrettably, Rowling immediately abandons this plot point and it is never heard of again.
Lupin, of course, cannot be bothered to tell Harry this. So instead, we get to thrill to Harry reading the newspaper. AGAIN. This time, he only reads the headline before going all emo.
He pushed the newspaper away; he did not want to read anymore: he knew what it would say.
I don't want to read any more newspapers in this book, either. Or books. Or magazine articles. Or book reviews. But no one asked me.
Nobody but those who had been on top of the tower when Dumbledore died knew who had really killed him
Those people would be Dumbledore (dead), Harry (suspect), Draco Malfoy (committed attempted murder), Severus Snape (committed assisted suicide with victim's consent), Thorfinn Rowle, Fenrir Greyback, Amycus Carrow and Alecto Carrow. It wasn't a Potter-friendly environment. Small wonder Harry ended up suspect.
and, as Rita Skeeter had already told the Wizarding world, Harry had been seen running from the place moments after Dumbledore had fallen.
And that was Harry's own fault, too. To quote from Chapter 28 of HBP:
He threw the Invisibility Cloak aside as the brutal-faced Death Eater, last to leave the tower top, was disappearing through the door.
Yes, that was special. Let the bad guys know that you're around, by all means.
Hermione wants to know if the Death Eaters have taken over the Prophet; "ages ago" would be my assessment. Lupin also tells the kids that Scrimgeour isn't even officially dead, and that the new minister is under the Imperius Curse.
After a Q-and-A session in which we learn that Voldemort can gain more power without declaring himself Minister of Magic-which most of us could have figured out anyway, thanks ever so, Rowling-we are told that Voldemort is being subtle.
SNIP!
We're also told that making the populace doubt Harry is a "masterstroke," as it keeps him from being the rallying point of the resistance.
by suggesting that you had a hand in the old hero’s death,
HERO? What in the name of Merlin did the old fart ever do that was heroic?
Voldemort has not only set a price upon your head, but sown doubt and fear amongst many who would have defended you.
I have no clue who is speaking, but it sure as hell isn't Remus Lupin.
Next, Faux!Remus points to Faux News on page 2. More newspaper-reading.
I have decided that if this is truly an adventure series, then the next time that there is a Terminator movie, I want the android to spend the entire movie sitting on its arse reading the newspaper and, while waiting for someone else to do something, to wonder if the computer that designed it really loved it after all.
And now Rowling rips off World War II.
“‘Recent research undertaken by the Department of Mysteries reveals that magic can only be passed from person to person when Wizards reproduce.
See, this is what is called "beginning with a faulty premise."
Where no proven Wizarding ancestry exists, therefore, the so-called Muggle-born is likely to have obtained magical power by theft or force.
Keep in mind that Muggleborns-I'm ignoring that stupid hyphen-start manifesting magic around the ages of six or seven, like everyone else. So apparently all these wizards who are losing their magical abilities are losing them because of the cunning machinations and sheer brute force of seven-year-olds.
“‘The Ministry is determined to root out such usurpers of magical power, and to this end has issued an invitation to every so-called Muggle-born to present themselves for interview by the newly appointed Muggle-born Registration Commission.’”
"Usurpers of magical power"? Yeah, I sense a note of prejudgment there. I think that I would decline that invitation if at all possible. Forcibly. At wandpoint.
Ron insists that people won't let it happen. O RLY? See, this is why wizards need to learn about the history of Muggles as well as the history of magic. He also comes up with something that is quite profoundly dumb.
“It’s mental, if you could steal magic there wouldn’t be any Squibs, would there?”
See, I'd think that if the Ministry was saying that magic could be stolen, they'd claim that the Squibs were the victims of that theft, and that the Ministry needed to work out how the Muggleborns had done it so that they could give the Squibs their magic back.
But no, that's too logical. Can't have that.
unless you can prove that you have at least one close Wizarding relative, you are now deemed to have obtained your magical power illegally and must suffer the punishment.”
Forgers of birth certificates and family trees must be having a field day.
Ron suggests trying to pass Hermione off as his cousin, despite the fact that both of them have attracted attention as Harry Potter's friends since first year. Hermione points out that since they're traveling in the company of the Ministry's Most Wanted, her blood status is kind of moot.
Lupin continues to infodump, telling them that now you have to go to Hogwarts, if you're a young witch or wizard-the options to be homeschooled or to go to another school in a foreign country are gone. Voldie doesn't want to miss the chance to control a single young mind.
And it’s also another way of weeding out Muggle-borns, because students must be given Blood Status - meaning that they have proven to the Ministry that they are of Wizard descent - before they are allowed to attend.”
Harry figures out, amazingly, that this means that the Death Eaters can sort the Muggleborns from the purebloods and halfbloods with ease, killing them early. He is, briefly, horrified by this. I honestly hoped that this indicated potential. That the book would deal with more than just a scavenger hunt.
However, the matter of the Ministry's institutionalized torture, slaughter and destruction of the souls of the Muggleborns (both adults and children) is not treated as if it is, ultimately, of much importance. The things that we are asked to care about are the things that concern Harry-the Horcruxes, the Hallows, and his obsession with Dumbledore's affection. Indeed, the Horcruxes and the Hallows are taken as signs of Dumbledore's affection-will Harry be more truly faithful to Double-D by pursuing the Horcruxes, or is everything that points to the Hallows a last coded message from Albus to Harry, things that DD honestly wanted Harry to possess?
Once Harry gets the locket from the Ministry, he loses all interest in what might be happening to Muggleborns, and never thinks of them again. He feels no fear, no outrage, no revulsion. He does not, in the end, fight or die for them, even in part-he struggles only for his own family and friends, without once thinking or caring about what Voldemort and his followers are doing to others. Compassion for strangers remains a quality that Harry knows nothing about up to the epilogue and after. He gets a handful of people out of the Ministry-without wondering once what happens to them afterwards-and for him, that's enough.
I think of all of those anonymous souls who have died at the hands of unjust governments because of their race, national origin, religion, etc.--and I fume at the implication that such suffering does not matter, save to make her "hero" look good. Temporarily. [/rant]
At any rate, the Muggleborn kids are no sooner mentioned as a topic of conversation when they are cast aside. Lupin wants to know if Harry and his friends are on a mission from Glod Dumbledore. Harry confirms that they are but says that he can't tell Lupin what it is because DD didn't tell him. Uh, yeah, and DD is unlikely to tell him, Harry. Being, y'know, dead and all.
But this is about what I expected. Considering that Harry wants to regard the Horcrux hunt as providing secret clues to how Dumbledore thought and felt about him, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want a relatively sensible adult along who might screw up his erotomaniacal fantasy.
Lupin says that he doesn't have to know what the Trio is doing. He'll protect them anyway. Harry is tempted. Of course, Harry cannot ever fall into temptation, so it's up to Hermione to ask a Most Excellent Question: "What about Tonks?"
“What about her?” said Lupin.
And a million Sirius/Remus shippers cheered!
Hermione points out-in case anyone reading this tedious tome forgot-that Remus and Tonks are married. She wants to know how Tonks feels about her husband leaving indefinitely. Remus says she'll be staying with her parents and will be safe, which probably translates to: "Um...I haven't told her yet."
Hermione wants to know if everything is all right between Remus and Tonks. Uh, Hermione, honey? He's talking about walking out on his wife after about a month of marriage. I think that the answer would be "Hell no!"
Remus then tells the Trio that Tonks is having a baby. He's clearly not pleased about this, either, which made me suspect briefly that the baby wasn't his. Then I remembered the strictures in children's publishing. Adultery and illegitimacy are big no-nos for a lot of houses. So of course the baby's his.
Harry, who has once again managed to make this All About Him, is deeply offended by the idea of a father choosing to leave his kid before the baby's even born. Lupin then says two sentences that, as far as I'm concerned, killed Remus/Tonks dead.
“I - I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and have regretted it very much every since.”
Oh, yeah, that sounds like a deeply loving relationship, that does. Pity wizards don't have the equivalent of Reno divorces.
And yes, I know, Remus is later delighted by the birth of his son. But that doesn't prove that Remus is happy with Tonks. Loving a child isn't the same thing as wanting to remain a relationship with his or her mother.
Lupin sprang to his feet: his chair toppled over backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, the shadow of the wolf upon his human face.
I got a mental image of the silhouette of a wolf's head superimposed over Remus's features. (Yes, I KNOW that's not what it means.)
Remus turns into Emo Remo then, telling the Trio that he's made Tonks a pariah by marrying her. That the wizarding world despises werewolves. (Wow, and here I thought that they had all these anti-werewolf laws because of undying affection.) Even the Tonkses are disgusted by the marriage, apparently. Oh, and Remus doesn't know if the kid is going to be a werewolf or not, because werewolves don't usually have children. This directly contradicts what Rowling has said elsewhere-that werewolves are made, not born.
“My kind don’t usually breed!
Up till this point I thought that might be because the Ministry had werewolves spayed or neutered so that they couldn't breed their own victims. But no.
It will be like me, I am convinced of it - how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child?
Uh-huh. You never heard of condoms, Remus? Considering that there's a Stone Age cave painting of a man using a condom, I'd think that wizards should have come across the concept at some point. Granted, condoms aren't 100% reliable, but they would eliminate the "knowingly risking" part.
And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!”
Well, I don't know so much about the shame part, but I do agree that the kid would be better off without a werewolf father. As the child of a werewolf, the kid could be killed at birth. As the child of a halfblood who swears that the child isn't his but someone else's it might have a chance to survive.
Hermione tries to be consoling. Harry, however, is enraged; hearing that his father's friend would walk out on his wife and kid is like hearing that his father would have done the same thing.
“If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad,” Harry said, “what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father’s in the Order?
Well, duh. Kill it. What else?
My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he’d tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?”
I know you don't want to hear this, Harry, but I think that James would have done a far better job of protecting you and Lily if he had just got up off his arse and gotten his wife and kid, and possibly himself, OUT OF ENGLAND. Seriously, what was the point of staying and fighting a guy who uses a curse that there is no defense against? Oh, that's right. There wasn't any.
“I think you’re feeling a bit of a daredevil,” Harry said, “You fancy stepping into Sirius’s shoes-”
And I think that you forget that you'd be taking a risk traveling with him, not him with you. In case you've forgotten, Harry, Remus is a werewolf. He transforms every full moon. And you three are not Animagi. And he's not getting his Wolfsbane Potion anymore; Snape, at least, is not brewing it. Or are we just ignoring the fact that Remus could tear the three of you to shreds, infecting, maiming or killing any or all of you?
Yes, I guess we are, since Harry never uses this as an argument against Remus. Who needs continuity?
Harry then calls Remus a coward for deciding to cut his losses. Remus silently casts a spell that sends Harry slamming into the kitchen wall. YAY! And with that, Remus leaves in high dudgeon.
Once Remus is gone, Ron and Hermione have the nerve to yell at Harry. Pity they didn't develop the guts to tell him to shut the fuck up two minutes ago.
Broken images were racing each other through his mind: Sirius falling through the veil; Dumbledore suspended, broken, in midair; a flash of green light and his mother’s voice, begging for mercy...
When was Dumbledore frozen in mid-air? And honestly, I don't think his body was broken until after he landed at the foot of the Astronomy Tower?
“Parents,” said Harry, “shouldn’t leave their kids unless - unless they’ve got to.”
Unless they die, you mean. I told you he was making it all about himself.
Harry admits that he shouldn't have called Remus a coward, mostly because Ron and Hermione don't approve of this.
“But if it makes him go back to Tonks, it’ll be worth it, won’t it?”
Oh, yes. Nothing could be finer than a man going back to the wife he doesn't love because he was shamed into doing so. Especially a woman who could die in the present political climate because she's married to the husband who wants to leave her.
Would James have backed Harry in what he had said to Lupin, or would he have been angry at how his son had treated his old friend?
I think that he'd have thought that you were a pissant little jerk with no brains, and that you should mind your own business.
At this point, Ron and Hermione are still cross with Harry, and Harry doesn't want to deal with it. So what does he do? Say it with me, class-he reads the newspaper. If all else fails, we can count on Rowling to deal us a moment of gripping newsprint.
Harry spots a picture of the Dumbledore family in the paper. Of course, this is an excuse for him to forget about his petty name-calling and to resume his obsession with a dead man. After telling us DD's father had twinkly eyes too, we get some odd descriptions.
The baby, Ariana, was a little longer than a loaf of bread and no more distinctive-looking.
What kind of bread? I mean, it ranges in size from a small loaf to a long, lean loaf of French bread, so the description isn't that clear.
The mother, Kendra, had jet black hair pulled into a high bun. Her face had a carved quality about it. Harry thought of photos of Native Americans he’d seen as he studied her dark eyes, high cheekbones, and straight nose, formally composed above a high-necked silk gown
Given that Albus was a redhead and that both Albus and Aberforth have blue eyes, I'm guessing that Kendra wasn't their mother. Either that or wizards don't have to obey Mendelian genetics, and that notion just makes my head hurt.
Then Harry starts to read the article, which is by Rita Skeeter and which is a complete waste of space. Skeeter says nothing new; she just repeats everything that Great-Aunt Muriel said three chapters ago. Kendra moved to Godric's Hollow after Percival went to Azkaban, the Dumbledores kept themselves to themselves and weren't very friendly, Skeeter thinks that Ariana was a Squib and that Mumsie was ashamed of her, blah blah fishcakes.
Harry, disappointed that the Dumbledores were apparently not playing Happy Families, decides on a pointless sidequest.
He wanted to go to Godric’s Hollow, even if Bathilda was in no fit state to talk to him: he wanted to visit the place where he and Dumbledore had both lost loved ones.
Well, he already knows that Bathilda's not fit to talk to him. He was told that. And what's the point of going there in the middle of a war? He's had six years to go, and he's never given two hoots and a damn before!
Kreacher then reappears with Mundungus Fletcher. Hermione disarms him. Mundungus talks like Hagrid now, even though he had a Cockney accent last book.
Mundungus thinks that he's been brought here to be yelled at for running away from the Death Eater ambush. Personally, I think that the rest of the Order should have done the same thing, but that's me. Hermione tells him that no one else fled.
“Well, you’re a bunch of bleedin’ ‘eroes then, aren’t you, but I never pretended I was up for killing meself -”
Note the lack of comma. Fletcher isn't saying that he wasn't up for killing, personally. He's saying that he didn't want to commit suicide. This, to my mind, makes his actions far more sensible. The Order needs to learn a bit more about strategic retreats. To Harry, however, Fletcher is nothing but "an unreliable bit of scum."
It felt wonderful to have something to do, someone of whom he could demand some small portion of truth.
Pointing a wand at someone is something to do? Wow, Harry. You are the action hero of the century!
We then get a bit of slapstick. I think this is supposed to be funny, but it works better in cartoons than it does in a book.
There was the sound of pattering feet, a blaze of shining copper, an echoing clang, and a shriek of agony; Kreacher had taken a run at Mundungus and hit him over the head with a saucepan.
Uh...couldn't this have killed Mundungus? And aren't house-elves supposed to be incapable of harming wizards directly?
Kreacher suggests one more blow to the head for good luck. Ron laughs at this, which disappoints me. I did briefly hope that Kreacher's old familiar viciousness was resurfacing, but no.
Anyway, after three pages, we finally get to the subject of the locket. A "Ministry hag" has it:
“I was selling in Diagon Alley and she come up to me and asks if I’ve got a license for trading in magical artifacts. Bleedin’ snoop. She was gonna fine me, but she took a fancy to the locket an’ told me she’d take it and let me off that time, and to fink meself lucky.”
The hag in question is a little woman with a bow in her hair. Fletcher says she looks like a toad. Of COURSE she does. It is absolutely essential that every single character in the entire series be dragged back for one final bow. Oh, well. At least Dolores Umbridge is genuinely evil and genuinely creepy. Unlike, say, Voldemort. He's been evil but never creepy.
Harry is so startled by this that he drops his wand and sets fire to Fletcher's eyebrows. Idiot. As Hermione puts out the fire-naturally, Harry couldn't possibly do something so mundane himself-something absolutely asinine happens:
The scars on the back of his right hand seemed to be tingling again.
I thought the only scar that did that was the lightning scar on Harry's forehead? Oh, never MIND.