Chapter Nine -- A Place to Hide
This was supposed to be ciumsfri's chapter. However, there was a bit of a gap between signups and postings, and-well, I've been trying to get in touch with her for some time, but I can't. Her LJ is dead, so there are no posts I can comment on; she has no contact e-mail or chat names; ciumsfri[at]livejournal[dot]com does not work; and I'm unable to send her what I keep thinking of as an LJ AIM. I'm all out of options, frankly.
So I posted this to keep the schedule going. If she appears and posts--fine, we'll have two sporkings of one chapter, and my deepest apologies--I don't want to step on anyone's feelings, truly. I just didn't know what else to do when a sporker disappeared.
In view of this fact, I'd appreciate it if all of you who are signed up for future sporkings would post your e-mails in your profiles. It's difficult for me to contact you or confirm that you're posting if I can't get in touch with you with relative ease. So please. For the sanity of your mods, PLEASE supply contact information.
And if you can't do the work-tell us.
Now, on to the spork.
In which Suemione owns a TARDIS, the Trio abandons an innocent to her death, Rowling forgets something she told us three chapters ago, Grimmauld Place is rigged up like Disney's Haunted Mansion, and Harry envisions Draco's face while being spread-eagled on the floor.
Chapter Nine -- A Place to Hide
Seconds after Kingsley's lynx Patronus shows up, tells people that the Ministry's been taken and vanishes, the crowd starts panicking. Guests bolt and Disapparate, and somehow the protection spells on the Burrow shatter as well. We're not told why this happens, but it does. Oh, and Hermione is screaming for Ron, who went off to get more Butterbeer.
Then the bad guys start appearing out of nowhere. They're wearing masks so that we can be sure that they're the bad guys. The Weasleys couldn't possibly have invited any Death Eaters in disguise to the most tacky wedding of the season, could they? The Death Eaters couldn't have used Polyjuice to look like someone's aunt or uncle or cousin, right? Because bad guys disguising themselves as good guys would make sense.
Lupin and Tonks and the rest of the wedding guests start casting Protego when the Death Eaters appear. This would make sense only if Death Eaters never used anything that caused, y'know, DEATH. It's not as if Shield Charms prevent the Killing Curse, after all. Maybe they're all hoping that the Death Eaters will have a sudden attack of amnesia and use nice curses instead, like they did in the Battle of the Department of Mysteries when Dolohov cast Tarantallegra--a dancing curse-on Neville.
We then get proof positive that Harry suffered brain damage as an infant. And that he is possibly color-blind.
Harry seized [Hermione's] hand to make sure they weren’t separated as a streak of light whizzed over their heads, whether a protective charm or something more sinister he did not know -
Here's a tip, Harry. If it's the Killing Curse, it's green. And if you can't tell what color green is, you really need to go see an eye doctor, stat.
Then Ron appears and takes Hermione's arm, and Hermione Apparates herself and the boys away from the Burrow. They end up on Tottenham Court Road. Now, Tottenham Court Road is a perfectly legitimate location in England, and there's nothing wrong with it, though it's the kind of place that features lots of upscale electronic shops, rather than tacky greasy spoon cafés. However, for me, as an American, the place has exactly one context, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Grizabella the Glamour Cat":
She haunted many a low resort
Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court
Hermione tells them that they need to find someplace to change. Since it develops later that there are disguise spells that are better than Polyjuice, I don't know why they bother. I suppose it would be too much to ask for some degree of continuity within the same book.
Harry finally notices something that the rest of us have seen for some time.
“Why didn’t I make sure I had the Invisibility Cloak with me?” said Harry, inwardly cursing his own stupidity. “All last year I kept it on me and -“
Nice to know that you recognize your own stupidity, Harry. Remember, the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem.
Suemione, of course, was completely prepared for this situation. She not only packed the clothes and the Cloak days ago in case they needed to flee from the wedding, she brought a lot of other things with her as well in a TARDIS shaped like a small beaded handbag. Well, all right. It's not a Gallifreyan machine that travels in time and space. But the handbag definitely IS bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, thanks to the Blatant Plot Device Spell...er, I mean the Undetectable Extension Charm. It contains books, Cloak, clothes, Harry's rucksack (which is also completely packed), food, camping equipment, and quite possibly the kitchen sink.
Harry dons the Invisibility Cloak while Ron strips in front of Hermione without a trace of embarrassment. And he looks like himself this time. Hmmm. Now isn't THAT interesting.
Harry suddenly-well, after three pages-realizes that everyone at the wedding could be dead. Apparently he thought that the Death Eaters were just there to offer congratulations to the happy couple. We the readers know that he does not get it, as Suemione has to point out the incredibly obvious to him.
“It’s you they’re after, Harry, and we’ll just put everyone in even more danger by going back.”
No, really? I'm stunned, do you hear me, stunned!
Ron chimes in, telling Harry that “Most of the Order was there, they’ll look after everyone.” Right, because it's not as if the Order was the most incompetent secret organization in the history of mankind, after all.
Harry agrees.
But he thought of Ginny, and fear bubbled like acid in his stomach.
Proof positive that the thought of Ginny gives Harry a sour stomach. Canon, people.
Ron finally asks what I had been wondering all along-why did Hermione pick Tottenham Court Road?
"I’ve no idea, it just popped into my head,
Translation: Hermione doesn't want to admit to being a fan of Cats.
but I’m sure we’re safer out in the Muggle world, it’s not where they’ll expect us to be.”
Riiiight. It's not as if any Death Eater ever thought of running to the Muggle world in an emergency. *cough*Peter Pettigrew*cough*
Ron asks if she doesn't feel vulnerable.
“Where else is there?” asked Hermione, cringing as the men on the other side of the road started wolf-whistling at her.
Yet another attempt by Rowling to tell us that Suemione is no longer plain, but really hot.
In an effort to get away from the drunk men who are whistling at her, Hermione leads the two boys into a nearby café.
Harry did not like being stationary; walking had given the illusion that they had a goal.
Had given WHO the illusion? Harry? The entire Trio? Anyone who saw them running away?
As the Polyjuice wears off of Harry-who's still Cloaked, so this doesn't matter-Ron suggests going to the Leaky Cauldron:
“Not to stay there, but to find out what’s going on!”
"We know what’s going on! Voldemort’s taken over the Ministry, what else do we need to know?”
Keep in mind that the three of them are arguing in public, and that in the space of about a minute, the words "Leaky Cauldron" and "Voldemort" have come up. Clearly the Muggle waitress will never notice this. And while they don't know that Voldemort's name has a trace on it, speaking the name loudly seems rather dumb, especially as they don't know if they've been followed, or if anyone's eavesdropping on what they're saying.
A couple of workmen walk in. Hermione belatedly realizes that she should whisper. She suggests Disapparating and heading to "the countryside." I'm not sure where she's talking about. There's a lot of country in the U.K. Once they're in "the country," she says, they can contact the Order.
Personally, I would recommend running off to Tahiti. If you're going to be a fugitive, at least be a fugitive someplace warm.
Not content with the previous mentions of the Leaky Cauldron, Voldemort, Disapparation and the Order, Ron then asks aloud if Hermione can cast "that talking Patronus thing." They have no clue how to do inconspicuous, do they? He also bitches about the coffee and demands to know if Hermione has "Muggle money" to pay for it. Hermione says she does, and mentions the Burrow. At this point I was headdesking and hoping that the Death Eaters would come and kill them immediately. The Trio had proven themselves to be too stupid to live.
As it happens, the workmen are Death Eaters. I cheered as they drew their wands. Harry also draws his without thinking about it, which Rowling apparently thinks is praiseworthy. Nothing wrong with being alert-but Harry ISN'T alert. He's just quick on the trigger, and this is not, in my eyes, a particularly good thing.
Ron, a few seconds late in realizing what was going on, lunged across the table, pushing Hermione sideways onto her bench.
Um, excuse me? If Ron had to push Hermione out of the way, doesn't that mean that she was the one who was a bit slow on the uptake, not him? Oh, wait. That's not possible. Hermione knows all in this book, after all.
The force of the Death Eaters’ spells shattered the tiled wall where Ron’s head had just been, as Harry, still invisible, yelled, “Stupefy!”
This knocks out the huge blond Death Eater. What follows is an unbelievably run-on sentence.
His companion, unable to see who had cast the spell, fired another at Ron: shining black ropes flew from his wand-tip and bound Ron head to foot - the waitress screamed and ran for the door - Harry sent another Stunning Spell at the Death Eater with the twisted face who had tied up Ron, but the spell missed, rebounded on the window, and hit the waitress, who collapsed in front of the door.
Can we please charge Rowling with cruelty to the common colon?
“Expulso!” bellowed the Death Eater, and the table behind which Harry was standing blew up: the force of the explosion slammed him into the wall and he felt his wand leave his hand as the Cloak slipped off him.
According to the University of Notre Dame's Latin Dictionary and Grammar Aid, there's no such word as "expulso" in Latin. Even if there were, it would mean "I drive you out" or "I expel" (in the sense of Expelliarmus), not "I cause an explosion." I suppose it's trivial in comparison to many other flaws in this book, but I get annoyed by stupid errors that could be prevented with a two-minute Google search or one bookmarked dictionary.
Hermione then casts the Full-Body Bind, paralyzing the other Death Eater. We also get a peculiar image-peculiar to an American's eyes, at least:
Hermione crawled out from underneath the bench, shaking bits of glass ashtray out of her hair and trembling all over.
Ashtrays?? I can't tell you the last time I saw ashtrays in a place where people eat. I suppose they still exist, but it sounds odd nowadays.
Hermione then cuts Ron's ropes using magic (and inadvertently cuts him in the process). Harry confirms that the great big blond Death Eater was on the tower the night that Dumbledore was killed. Ron, oddly enough, recognizes both Death Eaters. Something you're not telling us, Ron?
The dark one with a twisted face is Antonin Dolohov. I'm not sure what he's doing here. Wasn't he sent back to Azkaban after the Battle of the Department of Mysteries? The previously nameless blond guy is Thorfinn Rowle. Any relation to you, J.K.? In any case, it's irrelevant, as we're never going to see these tertiary characters again.
The Trio then locks the door, turns off the lights and debates what to do next. Ron is all for killing the Death Eaters. Sounds quite practical to me, but Hermione is repulsed by the idea. I'm torn between being pleased that there ARE some things that give her moral qualms and being annoyed that she thinks it's possible to fight a war without people dying.
Harry suggests wiping the DEs' memories. The response is...interesting, to say the least:
“You’re the boss,” said Ron, sounding profoundly relieved. “But I’ve never done a Memory Charm.”
“Nor have I,” said Hermione, “but I know the theory.”
Excuse me?
From Chapter Six - The Ghoul in Pyjamas:
"I've also modified my parents' memories so that they're convinced they're really called Wendell and Monica Wilkins, and that their life's ambition is to move to Australia , which they have now done.
Modifying someone's memories-erasing true memories and implanting false information in another person's mind-IS a Memory Charm. That's what a Memory Charm does.
*thwaps Hermione and Rowling with a clue-by-four*
Hermione then Obliviates the Death Eaters while the boys cast Scourgify and Reparo on the restaurant. Ron, incidentally, complains that he can't get his wand out because the jeans Hermione packed are too tight. I can't make this stuff up, folks.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” hissed Hermione, and as she dragged the waitress out of sight of the windows, Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his wand instead.
I can't blame her. I've felt that way about this book for a long time.
Once everything is shipshape and Bristol-fashion once more, the three of them put Dolohov and Rowle back in their booth-like playing with giant Barbie dolls. They then proceed to talk in front of the two, forgetting that while Rowle is stunned, Doholov is only paralyzed. He can still hear what they're saying.
What Dolohov learns is that a) the Trio doesn't know how the Death Eaters found them, b) the Trio thinks that the Death Eaters might have found a way to put Traces on legal adults, and c) Harry wants to go to Grimmauld Place.
“We need a safe place to hide,” said Ron. “Give us time to think things through.”
“Grimmauld Place,” said Harry.
The other two gaped.
Yes, that's right. Harry lets slip the address of their destination in front of a conscious Death Eater. Granted, the place is Unplottable, but Snape knows where it is and how to get in. And he can tell others how to get in. And there is no earthly reason why, once Dolohov relayed all this non-Obliviated information, Voldemort wouldn't order Snape to do exactly that.
Hermione brings up the issue of Snape's access to the place. Harry protests that there are jinxes against him. This is not very encouraging. Jinxes are minor things. But even if the spells don't work, Harry continues, he doesn't care. He wants to find Snape and bring him down.
“Hermione, where else is there? It’s the best chance we’ve got. Snape’s only one Death Eater. If I’ve still got the Trace on me, we’ll have whole crowds of them on us wherever else we go."
It doesn't seem to have occurred to Harry that if Snape has access to Grimmauld Place, then all he has to do is write down the address, give a copy of the address to each Death Eater, and voilà , all of Voldemort's forces can just walk in.
She could not argue, though she looked as if she would have liked to.
She couldn't argue? Why the hell not?
But the next bit is even stupider. After opening the door and clicking the Deluminator to turn the lights back on:
Then, on Harry’s count of three, they reversed the spells upon their three victims,
Wait, WHAT? They're reversing the spells they cast on the Death Eaters and the waitress? So, that's the end of the Stunning Spell and the Full-Body Bind and the Memory Charms? And they're just going to leave the Muggle waitress there, a target for the DEs? Uh, guys? You DO realize that they're going to torture and kill her, right?
and before the waitress or either of the Death Eaters could do more than stir sleepily, Harry, Ron and Hermione had turned on the spot and vanished into the compressing darkness once more.
Son of a bitch. They did.
And what's with the "stir sleepily" bit? No one is asleep. Rowle and the waitress are unconscious, yes. But Dolohov is wide awake. He's just paralyzed.
The kids proceed to prove that "discreet" is not in their vocabulary:
Seconds later Harry’s lungs expanded gratefully and he opened his eyes: they were now standing in the middle of a familiar small and shabby square. Tall, dilapidated houses looked down on them from every side.
Of course, they have nothing to worry about! Muggles never look out the windows!
Number twelve was visible to them, for they had been told of its existence by Dumbledore, its Secret-Keeper, and they rushed toward it, checking every few yards that they were not being followed or observed.
So a slow rush, in other words.
Harry taps the door, which unlocks itself. No one could possibly have unlocked it, or be lurking inside watching the door do this. Definitely not.
As the kids stand on the threshold of the door, debating whether or not to come further into the house, they hear Moody speaking Snape's name:
“We’re not Snape!” croaked Harry, before something whooshed over him like cold air and his tongue curled backward on itself, making it impossible to speak.
Sounds like it would make it hard to breathe too. I tried it and it made me want to choke.
Before he had time to feel inside his mouth, however, his tongue had unraveled again.
His tongue unraveled? I think she means the spell unraveled, but I still can't help picturing Harry's tongue being made out of unraveling yarn.
Hermione stammered, “That m-must have b-been the T-Tongue-Tying Curse Mad-Eye set up for Snape!”
Gee, ya think?
There's really no point in this spell. I can see using it against most wizards, because they need to speak spells as they cast them...but what good is this curse against a wizard who's canonically been casting silent curses since he was a teenager?
Then a ghost made of dust appears from the carpet. We get another run-on sentence for this:
Something shifted in the shadows at the end of the hall, and before any of them could say another word, a figure had risen up out of the carpet, tall, dust-colored, and terrible; Hermione screamed and so did Mrs. Black, her curtains flying open; the gray figure was gliding toward them, faster and faster, its waist-length hair and beard streaming behind it, its face sunken, fleshless, with empty eye sockets: horribly familiar, dreadfully altered, it raised a wasted arm, pointing at Harry.
It's probably some measure of how indifferent I am to Dumbles that I had to reread this passage at least five times before I figured that it was supposed to be Dumbledore. But then, I cheered when he died. And I would not be intimidated by a dust ghost. Especially if I'd spent six years at a school filled with real ones.
I believe that Rowling was thinking in terms of CGI for the Deathly Hallows movie.
“No!” Harry shouted, and though he had raised his wand no spell occurred to him.
Finite Incantatem sounds like a good idea. Anyway, Harry screams that they didn't kill the figure.
On the word kill, the figure exploded in a great cloud of dust: Coughing, his eyes watering, Harry looked around to see Hermione crouched on the floor by the door with her arms over her head, and Ron, who was shaking from head to foot, patting her clumsily on the shoulder and saying, “It’s all r-right. . . . It’s g-gone. . . .”
The three of you have faced three-headed dogs, carnivorous giant spiders, basilisks, Dementors, escaped convicts, fire-breathing dragons, hostile Merpeople, Umbridge, belligerent centaurs, Death Eaters, and, let us not forget, Voldemort. And you're scared of animated dust?
The words "Bitch, please" spring to mind.
Harry shuts up Mrs. Black's portrait as Hermione whines.
“That . . . that was . . . “ Hermione whimpered, as Ron helped her to her feet.
“Yeah,” said Harry, “but it wasn’t really him, was it? Just something to scare Snape.”
Thank you for pointing this out, Rowling. Your child readers could never have deduced this without your able assistance.
Had it worked, Harry wondered, or had Snape already blasted the horror-figure aside as casually as he had killed the real Dumbledore?
I don't know about you, but I would have blasted it aside. I mean, why not? It's just walking dust, after all.
“Before we go any farther, I think we’d better check,” whispered Hermione, and she raised her wand and said, “Homenum revelio.”
Nothing happened.
Possibly because she's using the wrong words. There's no such word as "homenum." The word Rowling means is "hominem." There's also no such word as "revelio." There is a word "revelo," which means "to unveil, to lay bare."
So...close. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
In any case, Hermione insists that the spell worked-pfft, yeah, right-and that now they know that no other humans are here but them. Given Voldie's multi-ethnic hiring practices, I would immediately think of all the non-human beings on his side, such as werewolves, vampires and Dementors, that could still be present.
Meanwhile, nothing terribly dramatic has happened to Harry for about two minutes, so naturally, he's about due. The scar hurts-again. He feels Voldemort's anger-again. We've seen it all before.
Ron wants to know if Voldemort is at the Burrow and if he's cursing someone. Harry says that he didn't see anything. This is the last time in the book he'll be able to say that. After this, Harry has perfect VoldieVision.
Hermione is upset enough about this to infodump in great style:
“Harry, Dumbledore didn’t want you to use that connection, he wanted you to shut it down, that’s why you were supposed to use Occlumency! Otherwise Voldemort can plant false images in your mind, remember -“
For the benefit of all of those who are starting the series with the seventh book, that is.
“Yeah, I do remember, thanks,” said Harry through gritted teeth; he did not need Hermione to tell him that Voldemort had once used this selfsame connection between them to lead him into a trap, nor that it had resulted in Sirius’s death.
AND WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US EITHER, ROWLING.
He wished that he had not told them what he had seen and felt; it made Voldemort more threatening, as though he were pressing against the window of the room,
Whereas taking over the Ministry and killing the Minister of Magic makes Voldemort seem less threatening, I suppose.
Hermione screams again-cripes, that's all she does in this chapter!--as Quick Draw Potter pulls out his wand. Again.
Then Hermione shrieked: Harry drew his wand again and spun around to see a silver Patronus soar through the drawing room window and land upon the floor in front of them, where it solidified into the weasel that spoke with the voice of Ron’s father.
“Family safe, do not reply, we are being watched.”
Wait, wait, wait! How did the Patronus find them? And how did Arthur Weasley manage to cast the Patronus if he's being watched?
Ron and Hermione don't think of this. They're in raptures. Harry tries to be excited about the Weasleys, but as always, his interest is all about him.
“It’s your family, ‘course you were worried. I’d feel the same way.” He thought of Ginny. “I do feel the same way.”
So Ginny he cares about. Supposedly. After he thinks about it for a few minutes. The rest of the Weasleys can go hang, it seems.
As the pain in his scar gets worse, Harry bolts for the bathroom, collapsing to the floor as soon as he latches the door after him.
then in an explosion of agony, he felt the rage that did not belong to him possess his soul,
Harry's soul has never experienced rage. *cough*OotP*cough*
saw a long room lit only by firelight,
Like most of the rooms in the wizarding world, in fact.
and the giant blond Death Eater on the floor, screaming and writhing, and a slighter figure standing over him, wand outstretched, while Harry spoke in a high, cold, merciless voice.
I get the feeling that employer-employee relations is not one of the major selling points of working for Voldemort. So often he ends up hitting his people with Crucio. Maybe Death Eaters need to unionize.
“More, Rowle, or shall we end it and feed you to Nagini?
Oh, yes. Feed him to Nagini. Then try to figure out how you're going to get information from him after that.
Lord Voldemort is not sure that he will forgive this time. . . .
Gehayi is absolutely sure that she will not forgive Rowling this time.
You called me back for this, to tell me that Harry Potter has escaped again?
See, that was your mistake. You shouldn't have told him that you caught him at all.
Draco, give Rowle another taste of our displeasure. . . . Do it, or feel my wrath yourself!”
I was really, really hoping that Draco would say, "All right," and Crucio Voldemort. Seriously, what kind of a Dark Lord has to delegate his cruel torture and pointless oppression to seventeen-year-old boys?
He was spread-eagled on the cold black marble floor, his nose inches from one of the silver serpent tails that supported the large bathtub. He sat up. Malfoy’s gaunt, petrified face seemed burned on the inside of his eyes.
You thought I made that bit in the header up, didn't you?
But wait, it gets better! And by better, I mean slashier.
Harry felt sickened by what he had seen, by the use to which Draco was now being put by Voldemort.
Draco/Voldemort OTP!
And that's really where it ends-unless you want to count Hermione knocking on the door so that she can hand Harry his toothbrush.
So I posted this to keep the schedule going. If she appears and posts--fine, we'll have two sporkings of one chapter, and my deepest apologies--I don't want to step on anyone's feelings, truly. I just didn't know what else to do when a sporker disappeared.
In view of this fact, I'd appreciate it if all of you who are signed up for future sporkings would post your e-mails in your profiles. It's difficult for me to contact you or confirm that you're posting if I can't get in touch with you with relative ease. So please. For the sanity of your mods, PLEASE supply contact information.
And if you can't do the work-tell us.
Now, on to the spork.
In which Suemione owns a TARDIS, the Trio abandons an innocent to her death, Rowling forgets something she told us three chapters ago, Grimmauld Place is rigged up like Disney's Haunted Mansion, and Harry envisions Draco's face while being spread-eagled on the floor.
Chapter Nine -- A Place to Hide
Seconds after Kingsley's lynx Patronus shows up, tells people that the Ministry's been taken and vanishes, the crowd starts panicking. Guests bolt and Disapparate, and somehow the protection spells on the Burrow shatter as well. We're not told why this happens, but it does. Oh, and Hermione is screaming for Ron, who went off to get more Butterbeer.
Then the bad guys start appearing out of nowhere. They're wearing masks so that we can be sure that they're the bad guys. The Weasleys couldn't possibly have invited any Death Eaters in disguise to the most tacky wedding of the season, could they? The Death Eaters couldn't have used Polyjuice to look like someone's aunt or uncle or cousin, right? Because bad guys disguising themselves as good guys would make sense.
Lupin and Tonks and the rest of the wedding guests start casting Protego when the Death Eaters appear. This would make sense only if Death Eaters never used anything that caused, y'know, DEATH. It's not as if Shield Charms prevent the Killing Curse, after all. Maybe they're all hoping that the Death Eaters will have a sudden attack of amnesia and use nice curses instead, like they did in the Battle of the Department of Mysteries when Dolohov cast Tarantallegra--a dancing curse-on Neville.
We then get proof positive that Harry suffered brain damage as an infant. And that he is possibly color-blind.
Harry seized [Hermione's] hand to make sure they weren’t separated as a streak of light whizzed over their heads, whether a protective charm or something more sinister he did not know -
Here's a tip, Harry. If it's the Killing Curse, it's green. And if you can't tell what color green is, you really need to go see an eye doctor, stat.
Then Ron appears and takes Hermione's arm, and Hermione Apparates herself and the boys away from the Burrow. They end up on Tottenham Court Road. Now, Tottenham Court Road is a perfectly legitimate location in England, and there's nothing wrong with it, though it's the kind of place that features lots of upscale electronic shops, rather than tacky greasy spoon cafés. However, for me, as an American, the place has exactly one context, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Grizabella the Glamour Cat":
She haunted many a low resort
Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court
Hermione tells them that they need to find someplace to change. Since it develops later that there are disguise spells that are better than Polyjuice, I don't know why they bother. I suppose it would be too much to ask for some degree of continuity within the same book.
Harry finally notices something that the rest of us have seen for some time.
“Why didn’t I make sure I had the Invisibility Cloak with me?” said Harry, inwardly cursing his own stupidity. “All last year I kept it on me and -“
Nice to know that you recognize your own stupidity, Harry. Remember, the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem.
Suemione, of course, was completely prepared for this situation. She not only packed the clothes and the Cloak days ago in case they needed to flee from the wedding, she brought a lot of other things with her as well in a TARDIS shaped like a small beaded handbag. Well, all right. It's not a Gallifreyan machine that travels in time and space. But the handbag definitely IS bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, thanks to the Blatant Plot Device Spell...er, I mean the Undetectable Extension Charm. It contains books, Cloak, clothes, Harry's rucksack (which is also completely packed), food, camping equipment, and quite possibly the kitchen sink.
Harry dons the Invisibility Cloak while Ron strips in front of Hermione without a trace of embarrassment. And he looks like himself this time. Hmmm. Now isn't THAT interesting.
Harry suddenly-well, after three pages-realizes that everyone at the wedding could be dead. Apparently he thought that the Death Eaters were just there to offer congratulations to the happy couple. We the readers know that he does not get it, as Suemione has to point out the incredibly obvious to him.
“It’s you they’re after, Harry, and we’ll just put everyone in even more danger by going back.”
No, really? I'm stunned, do you hear me, stunned!
Ron chimes in, telling Harry that “Most of the Order was there, they’ll look after everyone.” Right, because it's not as if the Order was the most incompetent secret organization in the history of mankind, after all.
Harry agrees.
But he thought of Ginny, and fear bubbled like acid in his stomach.
Proof positive that the thought of Ginny gives Harry a sour stomach. Canon, people.
Ron finally asks what I had been wondering all along-why did Hermione pick Tottenham Court Road?
"I’ve no idea, it just popped into my head,
Translation: Hermione doesn't want to admit to being a fan of Cats.
but I’m sure we’re safer out in the Muggle world, it’s not where they’ll expect us to be.”
Riiiight. It's not as if any Death Eater ever thought of running to the Muggle world in an emergency. *cough*Peter Pettigrew*cough*
Ron asks if she doesn't feel vulnerable.
“Where else is there?” asked Hermione, cringing as the men on the other side of the road started wolf-whistling at her.
Yet another attempt by Rowling to tell us that Suemione is no longer plain, but really hot.
In an effort to get away from the drunk men who are whistling at her, Hermione leads the two boys into a nearby café.
Harry did not like being stationary; walking had given the illusion that they had a goal.
Had given WHO the illusion? Harry? The entire Trio? Anyone who saw them running away?
As the Polyjuice wears off of Harry-who's still Cloaked, so this doesn't matter-Ron suggests going to the Leaky Cauldron:
“Not to stay there, but to find out what’s going on!”
"We know what’s going on! Voldemort’s taken over the Ministry, what else do we need to know?”
Keep in mind that the three of them are arguing in public, and that in the space of about a minute, the words "Leaky Cauldron" and "Voldemort" have come up. Clearly the Muggle waitress will never notice this. And while they don't know that Voldemort's name has a trace on it, speaking the name loudly seems rather dumb, especially as they don't know if they've been followed, or if anyone's eavesdropping on what they're saying.
A couple of workmen walk in. Hermione belatedly realizes that she should whisper. She suggests Disapparating and heading to "the countryside." I'm not sure where she's talking about. There's a lot of country in the U.K. Once they're in "the country," she says, they can contact the Order.
Personally, I would recommend running off to Tahiti. If you're going to be a fugitive, at least be a fugitive someplace warm.
Not content with the previous mentions of the Leaky Cauldron, Voldemort, Disapparation and the Order, Ron then asks aloud if Hermione can cast "that talking Patronus thing." They have no clue how to do inconspicuous, do they? He also bitches about the coffee and demands to know if Hermione has "Muggle money" to pay for it. Hermione says she does, and mentions the Burrow. At this point I was headdesking and hoping that the Death Eaters would come and kill them immediately. The Trio had proven themselves to be too stupid to live.
As it happens, the workmen are Death Eaters. I cheered as they drew their wands. Harry also draws his without thinking about it, which Rowling apparently thinks is praiseworthy. Nothing wrong with being alert-but Harry ISN'T alert. He's just quick on the trigger, and this is not, in my eyes, a particularly good thing.
Ron, a few seconds late in realizing what was going on, lunged across the table, pushing Hermione sideways onto her bench.
Um, excuse me? If Ron had to push Hermione out of the way, doesn't that mean that she was the one who was a bit slow on the uptake, not him? Oh, wait. That's not possible. Hermione knows all in this book, after all.
The force of the Death Eaters’ spells shattered the tiled wall where Ron’s head had just been, as Harry, still invisible, yelled, “Stupefy!”
This knocks out the huge blond Death Eater. What follows is an unbelievably run-on sentence.
His companion, unable to see who had cast the spell, fired another at Ron: shining black ropes flew from his wand-tip and bound Ron head to foot - the waitress screamed and ran for the door - Harry sent another Stunning Spell at the Death Eater with the twisted face who had tied up Ron, but the spell missed, rebounded on the window, and hit the waitress, who collapsed in front of the door.
Can we please charge Rowling with cruelty to the common colon?
“Expulso!” bellowed the Death Eater, and the table behind which Harry was standing blew up: the force of the explosion slammed him into the wall and he felt his wand leave his hand as the Cloak slipped off him.
According to the University of Notre Dame's Latin Dictionary and Grammar Aid, there's no such word as "expulso" in Latin. Even if there were, it would mean "I drive you out" or "I expel" (in the sense of Expelliarmus), not "I cause an explosion." I suppose it's trivial in comparison to many other flaws in this book, but I get annoyed by stupid errors that could be prevented with a two-minute Google search or one bookmarked dictionary.
Hermione then casts the Full-Body Bind, paralyzing the other Death Eater. We also get a peculiar image-peculiar to an American's eyes, at least:
Hermione crawled out from underneath the bench, shaking bits of glass ashtray out of her hair and trembling all over.
Ashtrays?? I can't tell you the last time I saw ashtrays in a place where people eat. I suppose they still exist, but it sounds odd nowadays.
Hermione then cuts Ron's ropes using magic (and inadvertently cuts him in the process). Harry confirms that the great big blond Death Eater was on the tower the night that Dumbledore was killed. Ron, oddly enough, recognizes both Death Eaters. Something you're not telling us, Ron?
The dark one with a twisted face is Antonin Dolohov. I'm not sure what he's doing here. Wasn't he sent back to Azkaban after the Battle of the Department of Mysteries? The previously nameless blond guy is Thorfinn Rowle. Any relation to you, J.K.? In any case, it's irrelevant, as we're never going to see these tertiary characters again.
The Trio then locks the door, turns off the lights and debates what to do next. Ron is all for killing the Death Eaters. Sounds quite practical to me, but Hermione is repulsed by the idea. I'm torn between being pleased that there ARE some things that give her moral qualms and being annoyed that she thinks it's possible to fight a war without people dying.
Harry suggests wiping the DEs' memories. The response is...interesting, to say the least:
“You’re the boss,” said Ron, sounding profoundly relieved. “But I’ve never done a Memory Charm.”
“Nor have I,” said Hermione, “but I know the theory.”
Excuse me?
From Chapter Six - The Ghoul in Pyjamas:
"I've also modified my parents' memories so that they're convinced they're really called Wendell and Monica Wilkins, and that their life's ambition is to move to Australia , which they have now done.
Modifying someone's memories-erasing true memories and implanting false information in another person's mind-IS a Memory Charm. That's what a Memory Charm does.
*thwaps Hermione and Rowling with a clue-by-four*
Hermione then Obliviates the Death Eaters while the boys cast Scourgify and Reparo on the restaurant. Ron, incidentally, complains that he can't get his wand out because the jeans Hermione packed are too tight. I can't make this stuff up, folks.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” hissed Hermione, and as she dragged the waitress out of sight of the windows, Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his wand instead.
I can't blame her. I've felt that way about this book for a long time.
Once everything is shipshape and Bristol-fashion once more, the three of them put Dolohov and Rowle back in their booth-like playing with giant Barbie dolls. They then proceed to talk in front of the two, forgetting that while Rowle is stunned, Doholov is only paralyzed. He can still hear what they're saying.
What Dolohov learns is that a) the Trio doesn't know how the Death Eaters found them, b) the Trio thinks that the Death Eaters might have found a way to put Traces on legal adults, and c) Harry wants to go to Grimmauld Place.
“We need a safe place to hide,” said Ron. “Give us time to think things through.”
“Grimmauld Place,” said Harry.
The other two gaped.
Yes, that's right. Harry lets slip the address of their destination in front of a conscious Death Eater. Granted, the place is Unplottable, but Snape knows where it is and how to get in. And he can tell others how to get in. And there is no earthly reason why, once Dolohov relayed all this non-Obliviated information, Voldemort wouldn't order Snape to do exactly that.
Hermione brings up the issue of Snape's access to the place. Harry protests that there are jinxes against him. This is not very encouraging. Jinxes are minor things. But even if the spells don't work, Harry continues, he doesn't care. He wants to find Snape and bring him down.
“Hermione, where else is there? It’s the best chance we’ve got. Snape’s only one Death Eater. If I’ve still got the Trace on me, we’ll have whole crowds of them on us wherever else we go."
It doesn't seem to have occurred to Harry that if Snape has access to Grimmauld Place, then all he has to do is write down the address, give a copy of the address to each Death Eater, and voilà , all of Voldemort's forces can just walk in.
She could not argue, though she looked as if she would have liked to.
She couldn't argue? Why the hell not?
But the next bit is even stupider. After opening the door and clicking the Deluminator to turn the lights back on:
Then, on Harry’s count of three, they reversed the spells upon their three victims,
Wait, WHAT? They're reversing the spells they cast on the Death Eaters and the waitress? So, that's the end of the Stunning Spell and the Full-Body Bind and the Memory Charms? And they're just going to leave the Muggle waitress there, a target for the DEs? Uh, guys? You DO realize that they're going to torture and kill her, right?
and before the waitress or either of the Death Eaters could do more than stir sleepily, Harry, Ron and Hermione had turned on the spot and vanished into the compressing darkness once more.
Son of a bitch. They did.
And what's with the "stir sleepily" bit? No one is asleep. Rowle and the waitress are unconscious, yes. But Dolohov is wide awake. He's just paralyzed.
The kids proceed to prove that "discreet" is not in their vocabulary:
Seconds later Harry’s lungs expanded gratefully and he opened his eyes: they were now standing in the middle of a familiar small and shabby square. Tall, dilapidated houses looked down on them from every side.
Of course, they have nothing to worry about! Muggles never look out the windows!
Number twelve was visible to them, for they had been told of its existence by Dumbledore, its Secret-Keeper, and they rushed toward it, checking every few yards that they were not being followed or observed.
So a slow rush, in other words.
Harry taps the door, which unlocks itself. No one could possibly have unlocked it, or be lurking inside watching the door do this. Definitely not.
As the kids stand on the threshold of the door, debating whether or not to come further into the house, they hear Moody speaking Snape's name:
“We’re not Snape!” croaked Harry, before something whooshed over him like cold air and his tongue curled backward on itself, making it impossible to speak.
Sounds like it would make it hard to breathe too. I tried it and it made me want to choke.
Before he had time to feel inside his mouth, however, his tongue had unraveled again.
His tongue unraveled? I think she means the spell unraveled, but I still can't help picturing Harry's tongue being made out of unraveling yarn.
Hermione stammered, “That m-must have b-been the T-Tongue-Tying Curse Mad-Eye set up for Snape!”
Gee, ya think?
There's really no point in this spell. I can see using it against most wizards, because they need to speak spells as they cast them...but what good is this curse against a wizard who's canonically been casting silent curses since he was a teenager?
Then a ghost made of dust appears from the carpet. We get another run-on sentence for this:
Something shifted in the shadows at the end of the hall, and before any of them could say another word, a figure had risen up out of the carpet, tall, dust-colored, and terrible; Hermione screamed and so did Mrs. Black, her curtains flying open; the gray figure was gliding toward them, faster and faster, its waist-length hair and beard streaming behind it, its face sunken, fleshless, with empty eye sockets: horribly familiar, dreadfully altered, it raised a wasted arm, pointing at Harry.
It's probably some measure of how indifferent I am to Dumbles that I had to reread this passage at least five times before I figured that it was supposed to be Dumbledore. But then, I cheered when he died. And I would not be intimidated by a dust ghost. Especially if I'd spent six years at a school filled with real ones.
I believe that Rowling was thinking in terms of CGI for the Deathly Hallows movie.
“No!” Harry shouted, and though he had raised his wand no spell occurred to him.
Finite Incantatem sounds like a good idea. Anyway, Harry screams that they didn't kill the figure.
On the word kill, the figure exploded in a great cloud of dust: Coughing, his eyes watering, Harry looked around to see Hermione crouched on the floor by the door with her arms over her head, and Ron, who was shaking from head to foot, patting her clumsily on the shoulder and saying, “It’s all r-right. . . . It’s g-gone. . . .”
The three of you have faced three-headed dogs, carnivorous giant spiders, basilisks, Dementors, escaped convicts, fire-breathing dragons, hostile Merpeople, Umbridge, belligerent centaurs, Death Eaters, and, let us not forget, Voldemort. And you're scared of animated dust?
The words "Bitch, please" spring to mind.
Harry shuts up Mrs. Black's portrait as Hermione whines.
“That . . . that was . . . “ Hermione whimpered, as Ron helped her to her feet.
“Yeah,” said Harry, “but it wasn’t really him, was it? Just something to scare Snape.”
Thank you for pointing this out, Rowling. Your child readers could never have deduced this without your able assistance.
Had it worked, Harry wondered, or had Snape already blasted the horror-figure aside as casually as he had killed the real Dumbledore?
I don't know about you, but I would have blasted it aside. I mean, why not? It's just walking dust, after all.
“Before we go any farther, I think we’d better check,” whispered Hermione, and she raised her wand and said, “Homenum revelio.”
Nothing happened.
Possibly because she's using the wrong words. There's no such word as "homenum." The word Rowling means is "hominem." There's also no such word as "revelio." There is a word "revelo," which means "to unveil, to lay bare."
So...close. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
In any case, Hermione insists that the spell worked-pfft, yeah, right-and that now they know that no other humans are here but them. Given Voldie's multi-ethnic hiring practices, I would immediately think of all the non-human beings on his side, such as werewolves, vampires and Dementors, that could still be present.
Meanwhile, nothing terribly dramatic has happened to Harry for about two minutes, so naturally, he's about due. The scar hurts-again. He feels Voldemort's anger-again. We've seen it all before.
Ron wants to know if Voldemort is at the Burrow and if he's cursing someone. Harry says that he didn't see anything. This is the last time in the book he'll be able to say that. After this, Harry has perfect VoldieVision.
Hermione is upset enough about this to infodump in great style:
“Harry, Dumbledore didn’t want you to use that connection, he wanted you to shut it down, that’s why you were supposed to use Occlumency! Otherwise Voldemort can plant false images in your mind, remember -“
For the benefit of all of those who are starting the series with the seventh book, that is.
“Yeah, I do remember, thanks,” said Harry through gritted teeth; he did not need Hermione to tell him that Voldemort had once used this selfsame connection between them to lead him into a trap, nor that it had resulted in Sirius’s death.
AND WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US EITHER, ROWLING.
He wished that he had not told them what he had seen and felt; it made Voldemort more threatening, as though he were pressing against the window of the room,
Whereas taking over the Ministry and killing the Minister of Magic makes Voldemort seem less threatening, I suppose.
Hermione screams again-cripes, that's all she does in this chapter!--as Quick Draw Potter pulls out his wand. Again.
Then Hermione shrieked: Harry drew his wand again and spun around to see a silver Patronus soar through the drawing room window and land upon the floor in front of them, where it solidified into the weasel that spoke with the voice of Ron’s father.
“Family safe, do not reply, we are being watched.”
Wait, wait, wait! How did the Patronus find them? And how did Arthur Weasley manage to cast the Patronus if he's being watched?
Ron and Hermione don't think of this. They're in raptures. Harry tries to be excited about the Weasleys, but as always, his interest is all about him.
“It’s your family, ‘course you were worried. I’d feel the same way.” He thought of Ginny. “I do feel the same way.”
So Ginny he cares about. Supposedly. After he thinks about it for a few minutes. The rest of the Weasleys can go hang, it seems.
As the pain in his scar gets worse, Harry bolts for the bathroom, collapsing to the floor as soon as he latches the door after him.
then in an explosion of agony, he felt the rage that did not belong to him possess his soul,
Harry's soul has never experienced rage. *cough*OotP*cough*
saw a long room lit only by firelight,
Like most of the rooms in the wizarding world, in fact.
and the giant blond Death Eater on the floor, screaming and writhing, and a slighter figure standing over him, wand outstretched, while Harry spoke in a high, cold, merciless voice.
I get the feeling that employer-employee relations is not one of the major selling points of working for Voldemort. So often he ends up hitting his people with Crucio. Maybe Death Eaters need to unionize.
“More, Rowle, or shall we end it and feed you to Nagini?
Oh, yes. Feed him to Nagini. Then try to figure out how you're going to get information from him after that.
Lord Voldemort is not sure that he will forgive this time. . . .
Gehayi is absolutely sure that she will not forgive Rowling this time.
You called me back for this, to tell me that Harry Potter has escaped again?
See, that was your mistake. You shouldn't have told him that you caught him at all.
Draco, give Rowle another taste of our displeasure. . . . Do it, or feel my wrath yourself!”
I was really, really hoping that Draco would say, "All right," and Crucio Voldemort. Seriously, what kind of a Dark Lord has to delegate his cruel torture and pointless oppression to seventeen-year-old boys?
He was spread-eagled on the cold black marble floor, his nose inches from one of the silver serpent tails that supported the large bathtub. He sat up. Malfoy’s gaunt, petrified face seemed burned on the inside of his eyes.
You thought I made that bit in the header up, didn't you?
But wait, it gets better! And by better, I mean slashier.
Harry felt sickened by what he had seen, by the use to which Draco was now being put by Voldemort.
Draco/Voldemort OTP!
And that's really where it ends-unless you want to count Hermione knocking on the door so that she can hand Harry his toothbrush.